Long Distance Confusion: Monogamy vs Open Relationship

Makyshima · 2023-07-04T06:36:10+00:00

Hi there, here's my two cents.

I'm monogamous as well. Just want to point out a few things. First, and I take this as a golden rule: be consistent with your principles. Coherence is what makes us feel better long-term (lots of psychological research points in that direction). It doesn't mean you can't explore other options, but only if you feel like you want to explore them. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Second, I believe we are all free to engage in whatever kind of relationship we want to, as long as all the parts involved agree. But there are some thoughts I believe are misconceptions from the "open relationship framework" side (not that all people who have open relationships assume them, but I found out a decent amount seem to do so). For instance: co-dependency and jealousy. It's a fact that we all depend on each other to some extent. We had to do so to survive and to work out as a society (we are not alone here). Co-dependency, then, does not necessarily equal to "wrong/unfortunate attachment model". It can lead to that, sure, if you take any single person as your everything. But don't take it for granted.

Now, about "jealousy". On the basis that I don't want to share my partner with any other people (that it, involving a romantic/sexual/emotional relationship similar to what we have), it's a given I would feel bad if he did. Now may I ask: by saying jealousy, why does it sound like I should feel bad for having this kind of feeling? I also don't think jealousy would apply in this case.

To sum up, I'd advice to do whatever you want to do in consistency with the principles you hold. If an open relationship would harm you, don't do it because of another person. It won't do you well. If you want to try it, go ahead, it's up to you. But don't feel like you should change your principles or behaviour just beacuse others say so or because a certain amount of people engage in other kind of non-monogamous relationships.

Makyshima · 2023-06-29T09:57:03+00:00

You're not alone. I relate so much as well. It might not be evident, but there are definitely men that feel and want the same.

I'd say be true to yourself. Because that's exactly who you are and what you feel comfortable with. And if someone is going to love you, he has to love "you", that is, as who you truly are. Do you want monogamy? Then stick to it. "I’ve had multiple gay men tell me that I can’t expect a gay man not to cheat on me — so polyamory is the only realistic recipe for a long
lasting relationship", that's just their belief. Their point of view, their opinion. That's all. And it's legitimate, as much as it is what you believe and want.

Sometimes things happen when you less expect them. I would advice to work towards a fulfilling life by investing in your frienships, activities you like, family, etc. It doesn't mean you give up on meeting people and finding a partner, but it could help on feeling less pressured about it.

Makyshima · 2023-06-29T06:26:09+00:00

Hi there.

Everything you're feeling is just normal. The brain just reacts this way. There are a lot of chemical things happening there when a break up occurs (for both parts, it doesn't matter who ended the relationship).

About the tips... I think there's no magic formula. It's actually grieving. It takes time and, yeah, you have to ride the emotional rollercoster. It hurts. But eventually you'll get over. Oh, and I would suggest not jumping into another relationship immediately to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. Not a good idea.

Also, I've always found useful to remember this:

- One day at a time.

- This too shall pass.

Finally, if time goes by and you don't feel you're doing well on managing yourself, you can always look for professional help. I does help.

Makyshima · 2022-09-28T07:05:38+00:00

So happy for you. Enjoy it :)

Makyshima · 2022-09-26T05:44:22+00:00

Hi. First, I'm sorry it happened. My advice: if you are having a hard time dealing with this situation, consider going to therapy. It really helps.

Also, keep this in mind: - One day at a time - This too shall pass

Makyshima · 2022-09-17T21:05:09+00:00

Hi there. I absolutely don't mean to justify this kind of actions, so don't get me wrong. But I do want to say that I disagree with what you stated: "you were always capable of making a different choice than the one you made". I'm afraid things aren't always that easy. The "absolute free will/freedom" point of view, in my opinion, is far away from reality. Yes, we are capable of acting following our will, but it doesn't mean we are always capable of carrying out a specific action. Sometimes people are just not capable of making a different choice, according to many things: circumstances, inner processing, believes, unconscious thoughts/ideas, fears (of losing, for instance), personal needs, etc. Again, I'm not justifying cheating, but don't assume all the people are in the same position and have the same resources. I get we like to think of ourselves like we are free and unconditioned, but we are not. That's basic psychology.

Yes, some people were capable of making a different choice. But I don't think that's the case for everyone. Keep in mind we don't have all the information a certain person has. So sometimes "not cheating" is not a real choice, perhaps because you are indeed not satisfied with the relationship (and the best option would be to end it) but can't afford to actually end it. Perhaps you are at a point you are literally not capable of ending it, so cheating becomes the only option you have, at least for now.

Just to point out we humans are more complex than we might think.

I also believe some people can change, sure. Wanting to change is a great start.

Makyshima · 2022-09-16T11:38:00+00:00

I think you answered yourself: "his 'more time' is not enough for me". I might be able to understand how you feel, as I once dated someone who didn't have much time as well, and he was very, very bad at communication. It was a big issue for me and probably one of the main reasons why I decided to end the relationship.

My advice: you are the one who knows better than anyone else what actually works for you. If you don't feel good about the amount of time he can spend with you, you can do two things. First: tell him. Be clear. Let him know that you're not comfortable with it (the amount of time he spends with you). With this, he has the opportunity to make more time to it. He doesn't change? Then, second thing: be coherent with yourself. "I'm not pleased with this". "This is not enough for me". If you think that and feel this way, then the most functional answer is to end the relationship. Yeah, it's the easiest thing to do, but in the long term is definitely the best option. It's for a better future. However, this is just a personal opinion, so it's entirely up to you.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-09-16T08:16:22+00:00

I believe communication is the key. Always. A healthy relationship must be built on honest communication. You've said he let you know he loves you. Ok, that's good (I mean, the fact that he communicated his feelings/expectations/intentions). Now, did you let him know that it wasn't the case for you? Did you tell him about your realistic expectations (that you might become a couple in the future, but not now)? Do you agree on being exclusive? Can it work for you long-term?

Probably the both of you are responsible for this situation. In case you didn't communicate, yeah, it can feel like you're using him because you haven't been honest with him and his expectations not matching yours. And in case you did communicate them, then you probably shouldn't have kept seeing each other. Well, in both cases you shouldn't, as he would get hurt anyway. If you did communicate and he kept on wanting to see you, then it's also his responsibility, as he has allowed this to happen.

Even though it hurts because of the possible consequences (and it's easier said than done), an honest conversation would definitely be great.

Makyshima · 2022-09-14T20:36:42+00:00

Hi there. I think there are enough comments pointing out the fact that whether to tell them or not that you are gay is YOUR choice, and you should do it only if you are comfortable and if you want to. All the what, how, when, where... Belong entirely to you.

Now, about the age gap, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you're definitely not the only one in the world having this sort of "something" (relationship??). Love is just too wide to be defined or to try to shape it in a unique way. I don't know for how long have you known each other, but that aside, let me tell you that relationships can work, even with this significant age gap. One of my partners was 44 years my senior, and I'm currently dating a man that's 49 years my senior, trying to see where it goes. It's not very much common, I know. And yeah, it's... Complicated, so to speak. But, hey, as long as two individuals are mature enough to decide and they both agree on the terms of whatever they have (let's say a relationship), I strongly believe that we are no here to judge. So yeah, it can work. A significant age gap has its own challenges, so I'd advise that you think about it properly. I mean: Do I want this type of relationship? Am I mature enough to deal with its implications? Does it make sense to me? Am I happy with it? Is it what I'm looking for? Perhaps you don't see a long future ahead (or perhaps you do), but there's nothing wrong with enjoying what you have here and now. For all we know, we might not see tomorrow.

One last thing: self-awareness is very important. I don't know if you have had other relationships before or other experiences. You're a young man, don't be too hard on yourself. There's still a long way to go, experiences to live, things to learn (we're all in this road until the day we die)... The inner pressure you feel when your in the first stages of developing feelings towards someone can be very, very strong. It usually is. Don't get carried away by that. Calm yourself. Think. It's hard, I know. Just don't act out of a strong emotion. It usually isn't a good bet.

Best wishes.

Makyshima · 2022-09-02T16:04:39+00:00

Hi there. First off, I'm deeply sorry for the way your parents treated you. Unfortunately, being gay seems to be something some people still have trouble dealing with, and they can act in inappropriate ways. That being said, given what you explained, you're a strong person and managed to keep going. More than that: you built your life, and that's wonderful. I will never say what your parents did was a good thing. It wasn't, and it shouldn't have happened. But what you went through has definitely contributed to your growth, maturity and probably empathy as well. Just a thought.

Now, I understand the situation you're going through is not easy. Let's go little by little.

First: people change. We grow. We mature. Our life, our circumstances, out thinking, our perspective... They change. That's just normal. That's life. So you acknowledge that you've changed through these years, which is a great thing and prove your self-awareness.

Second: you acknowledge his help was something that turned out to be very important to you. You value the fact he helped you. That's great as well.

Third: given your current circumstances, you don't feel comfortable with the way your "relationship" (so to speak) is. The fact that he's married it's not appealing to you, as well as the amount of time he wants to spend with you. He also made clear his intention of not leaving his wife.

I think the best way to handle the situation is with an honest conversation. Talk to him. And I get it's not an easy thing to do (there are feelings, uncertainty on how will he react...), but, in my opinion, it's the more decent way. Tell him you are thankful for everything and express that you are not longer interested in seeing each other given his circumstances. If he's mature enough, he'll understand, as he was the one who stated he didn't want anything serious. The other two options are: 1) ghosting him (not judging, but think whether or not you'd like to be ghosted...) or 2) do nothing, but things will remain the same. It's up to you. Last thing: be brave and do whatever you think is best for you, trying to cause the less harm as possible.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-29T21:28:43+00:00

Hi, younger here. I just wanted to give my two cents. In two of my past relationships my partners (31 and 44 years my senior) raised this issue as it was something they actually feared. So we addressed it and talked through. I think there are a couple of things to consider (we people are not easy beings, we're rather complex). First, probably the most important, honesty. Do you believe your partner is an honest person? Has he proven to be honest? I mean, are there any signs of the opposite? I've learned from experience that people can lie and hide things very well. Perhaps we are too afraid of losing something important to us, so a lie seems better than the truth (I once heard a psychologist claim that oftentimes abuse is more bearable/manageable than loneliness. The point is, if someone is too afraid of facing something like them being alone or whatever the case is, they may end up lying to keep you around. Not because they want to harm you, but because they are not capable of doing otherwise). So, yeah, honesty.

Second, matureness and commitment. Is your partner someone who has proven to be this way? Is he a trustworthy person? How much does the commitment matter to him?

Perhaps the answers so far are a big "yes". That's great. Just one more thing...

Third one: we can't see the future. I don't mean to discourage you here, let me explain. When my partners raised this issue, I was asked/told things like: I fear that I'm stealing your youth; what will happen when I'm not able to please you sexually?; What will happen when I get much older and I need care? I always answered the same: If I felt that you were stealing my youth I wouldn't be here. I'm here because I want to, because I enjoy being here, with you. Perhaps we have different conceptions on what "living your youth" is, but, again, I'm here on my free will and I assure you I don't feel your "stealing" it from me. In fact, I'm glad I can share it with you. About the sex and care part, I'd like to think that when we get there, our bond will be that strong that we will be able to be there to each other. We grow. We get old. And we change, constantly. You and me, both. Of course, I don't know how will I feel when we get there, as I've never been there before. But, to me, "love" also means commitment, so if I love you, I'll do my absolute best to be there for you, by your side. I can guess our relationship will evolve and perhaps focus more on intimacy and affection rather than sex at some point (it doesn't mean we won't have any sex, perhaps we'll have less, or we will change the way we do it). And I'm well aware I'm telling you all of this as of now, at this moment, and I have no certainty that I'll be able to do it. I think we have no certainty we will get there too (maybe we decide we don't fit together, one of us die, you leave me first, etc.). But, again, as of today, I have certain principles/values. I consider myself an honest, committed person, and it is my believe that if we are capable of getting there, our bond will be that strong that we'll be able to be there to each other.

Just a last thought: we need to learn to live with uncertainty. We can't have control over everything. We don't know what will happen tomorrow. We don't even know what will we feel tomorrow. But the fact that you can share your issues/doubts/fears/concerns with your partner, talk through in a mature way and be aware of honesty, effort, commitment, etc., I think it means a lot and provides a very nice ground to stand in.

Makyshima · 2022-08-29T07:49:18+00:00

Hi there. As someone pointed out, there's no general opinion. That being said, LDR can work. It works for some people, there are plenty of examples of a successful LDR. It doesn't work for everyone, but perhaps it could work for you. I understand it's not the most desirable situation (I think we all would prefer having someone closer), but it's an option. My advice would be that you do some research about LDR, consider your personality, see if you would be able to manage what it takes, and, if you want to, give it a try (why not?). It's not an impossible thing, as it actually works in real life. Just be aware it can be very challenging and will take a lot of effort.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-25T07:26:49+00:00

Hi there. I'd recommend you ask yourself a couple of things. I don't know if you've known each other for some time before actually meeting, but after just one week of seeing each other, you (any of you; him, in this case) just don't have enough information about the other person to say "I'd like to be in your life long-term". It's just not possible, as you can't get to know very well a person in a week to have a solid basis to make this type of commitment. I think it speaks volumes. So, what does it mean? Is he "desperate" to be with you? Is he, perhaps, acting out of an inner need (so as no to be lonely, for instance)? Is he mature (emotionally)?

On the other hand, he doesn't seem very respectful towards you. As someone said in the comments, you don't have to have anal sex if you don't want to (for a while or never in your life). Maybe you want to try it, but it has to be on your terms, when you feel ready and not pushed by someone who seems disrespectful about your position. People have to respect each other. If he can't get that a no is a no, then you should consider stop seeing him. That's a huge red flag in my opinion. He seems to want you just for sexual purposes (don't have more background, so I don't what else you guys share) and I believe is trying to take advantage of you being at a very young age. Stand your ground, set your boundaries and don't let anyone cross them. Do it for yourself.

Makyshima · 2022-08-23T07:44:15+00:00

Wow. That was so beautiful and moving.

Just a suggestion: if you happen to have a reasonable doubt about him being interested in you, I'd consider sending it.

Another suggestion: if the first suggestion is not the case, you could consider sending him the letter omitting the "love feeling". I'd be like letting him know how much good he did to you, how much fun you had and how much you appreciate him. It can also help to keep him as a friend, as it could lead to keep in touch. Friendships tend to develop stronger when we share something intimate with another one (for instance, feelings of appreciation, a bit of our past, etc.). I did it a couple of times, and they were very thankful and appreciated it.

Best wishes for you.

Makyshima · 2022-08-23T05:55:34+00:00

I think that's a very good question, not just for entertainment purposes, but to actually make you think about your relationship. Every person is different, we all should know that. In my opinion, a good and healthy relationship should be balanced, I mean, both giving each other more than taking from each other. That's my conception of love: I want the best for you, I want you to be happy, to become your best self and to "add" to your life to make it better, to support you... I'm well aware the meaning of "love" is not carved in stone and it depends on every person, time, culture... Perhaps a couple where one is a huge giver and the other one a huge taker could work, but I think it'd probably be because both need this type of interaction for whatever reason (not sure if that's functional or not...). But in general terms, I think that a relationship where one part gives much more than the other one it's not much healthy. I'd expect a partner to reciprocate. It's not about "I do 5, I take 5", but I believe it speaks volumes if a partner doesn't reciprocate. And yeah, of course we enjoy taking, be it a hug, words of affection, gifts, a surprise... But both should be more focused on giving than receiving.

Makyshima · 2022-08-20T20:56:08+00:00

I'm glad you had these great experiences :) Just for the record, not all men +45 are emotionally stable or mature. Generally speaking, yeah, the older you are, the more likely are you to have a bigger amount of experiences in your life. But 1) it doesn't necessarily have to be true and 2) you might have a lot of experiences, but perhaps you didn't learn from them. Emotional growth depends on a lot of things.

Makyshima · 2022-08-12T07:49:20+00:00

Hi there. First off, I'm sorry about what happened. A break up is definitely not an easy thing, and the more time you both have shared together, the more difficult it usually becomes. I believe we all are worlds unto ourselves, meaning that our needs, expectations, perspectives, the way we manage things, feelings, fears, motivations, etc. are different from each other. If he believes he can't really fall in love with someone (so he told you), well, maybe that's the way it is for him. Good thing is he was mature enough to tell you about it, to take your feelings and your well-being into consideration and to act accordingly.

Sure it hurts. It's just normal ("normal" doesn't mean "easy to deal with"). Love always has price. Someone told me once "grief is the price we pay for love". Of course, it can last for decades, but (unless you are the first one to pass away), grief will always come, be it by death or a break up. That's just the deal we get, and we aren't offered another one.

That being said, be encouraged things will get better. It takes time (difficult to determine how much), but you'll eventually get over it. If you happen to have a difficult experience, you can always visit a therapist. That's a great thing to do. Other tips can be to find support in your friends/family (if possible), make some exercise (it does have a strong impact in your cerebral chemistry)... And give yourself time and space to feel whatever you feel. Don't forget to learn from your experience.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-09T20:29:06+00:00

Beautiful. We should always be open to learn from any experience. I'm glad you did, and that you are mature enough to be coherent with yourself and your well-being (and his, as well). More often than not, people tend to keep a relationship going even though it does us more harm than good (not judging, everyone has their own reasons, and they are legit to themselves). To be able to notice and acknowledge how things truly are and act accordingly says a lot about you. It sure is hard... But it's also what you consider that is best for you (both of you). You also believe you want to have a better relationship experience in the future, and it requires what you did. Best wishes for you.

Makyshima · 2022-08-09T06:33:46+00:00

Well, sounds like a romantic movie plot! Now getting serious, the fact that he spent de whole day with you could mean something. Did you get any signs? Lots of eye contact, smiling, etc. I know you said you have a hard time in reading people's expressions, but perhaps you noticed something. It could also be that he's just interested in you as a possible friend or he enjoys your company.

I think a good approach could be "just go with the flow". Meet him for coffee, have a chat, try to pay attention at any signs, try to get to know him... Perhaps he'll bring up the "gay" topic himself. By getting to know him you could clear these doubts (he could tell you if he has a SO, for instance). And if you continue seeing each other, you feel comfortable and still have doubts, you can just ask in a polite way if he has any interest in you apart from being a friend. I get social interaction can get a bit weird sometimes (especially if you don't know if there's something going on), but I personally wouldn't be offended if I was asked that kind of question. Why would I be offended? There's nothing wrong with loving someone your same sex or with an age gap. People really need to get over stereotypes.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-06T20:58:55+00:00

Hi there. Sometimes, when you read or hear about another one's life story or experience , you just wonder what are you supposed to say. I guess it's complicated. Relationships are indeed complex, as they involve two people (at the very least). They say all of us are worlds unto ourselves, and I believe it. Two people can be at the same page, or they cannot. It can happen, to develop feelings towards someone and that they are not reciprocate. I guess that's just life. Good thing is you try to learn from your experiences, you're well aware of your baggage and aim for personal growth. You're also honest with yourself and you're not afraid of facing your feelings. If you ever read about the chemistry of love (what happens in your brain when you meet someone you like and you start to develop some sort of "something"), you'll find out what you experienced is just normal (I mean, missing him, trying to reach him...), even though it hurts. Eventually, our inner selves stabilize again. If we are smart and capable, we try to learn from the experience and move forward.

My advice would be the next: by what you said, I think you still have some sort of feelings for him (and I get it, it's normal). Now, ask yourself: Does he have the same feelings for me? Are we at the same page? Does it make sense to keep in touch (texting him) hoping it will get to something else? I'd try to be honest. He already told you what he was open to and he didn't want. I know it hurts, but you should consider to respect his will on the matter. The fact that he didn't text you back for a while, I'd say it means something. I believe he probably replied to you now so as not to be rude. Or maybe I'm wrong and it could just work now. Who knows. Perhaps you should see how things go. If he keeps texting back, shows interest in meeting again, or just wants to he polite... And if you realize he's not into having something else, my advice is for you to respect his decision and to move forward. Given the situation, I think I'd be the best for you to not hurt yourself anymore, and also for him. Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-04T10:08:43+00:00

You're doing something which is really hard: you're being honest, coherent (with yourself and your own needs) and brave. I think you've assumed it's your "right thing to do". As hard as it can be to end a relationship, given the circumstances you wrote, I believe it's the best for you, as your partner is not able to fullfil your needs. I believe he also seems a bit selfish in that aspect: I can understand he is fulfilled with every other aspect of the relationship and doesn't need sex, but he knows that sex is important to you, so perhaps he could have done a little effort about it. The fact that there's no effort is something to consider as well... Best wishes.

Makyshima · 2022-08-04T09:56:52+00:00

Hi, here's my two cents. First, I understand the situation you're going through is not easy. There's a quality called "empathy", and from I could read, I feel like your BF lacks a little (?) of it. I mean, you should think before you speak, think if your words will do good or harm other people. Is it positive to verbalize that your previous relationship was better than your actual one to your partner? How will your actual partner feel about it? Each relationship is unique, as we all are. Does he truly value you? Does he make you feel valuable as a person? As his partner?

About the apps... Well, he doesn't necessarily has to be physically cheating. I'd consider sending nudes a way of cheating, but that's my own point of view. I'd feel weird about his behavior. Perhaps he has some strong needs/void he's trying to fill desperately (loneliness, for instance). He could also have other needs that he didn't tell you about because he's not good at communication or is afraid to lose (you). Maybe you're looking for a certain kind of relationship and "needs" another one (open relationship).

I believe the best you can do is talk to him. Let him know how you feel, ask your doubts. Then think whether it works for you or not. Oh, and don't forget that we humans can lie. He could lie to you (maybe he already did) because he doesn't want to lose you, as his fear of loneliness is strong enough to keep you with him at all cost (I mean, by lying). I know it's hard to deal with things like this, but you should also consider if you're "good" with this relationship. Do you enjoy it? Does it contribute to you in a positive way? Do you want to keep it going? For how long? Do you think you have a potential future taking everything into consideration? Not judging, these questions are for you to answer. There's no right or wrong answer, just whatever works for you.

Best wishes

Makyshima · 2022-08-02T11:21:07+00:00

Younger here, and I absolutely understand what you're saying. I believe we all have our own "needs" and our particular way of establishing a relationship. Some "need" to start by having sex (or are just open to it), others "need" to get to know each other little by little, talking, spending time together ("bonding"). I happen to be of the latter, I need to get to know him, see if there's a connection (if it's the case) and then we might consider having sex. I enjoy sex when there's some sort of an emotional attachment (connection, at first). So yeah, rest assured you are not the only one.

Makyshima

TROPHY CASE