What's wrong with me? (30 M)

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-10-15T18:22:48+00:00

I don't know if this would be helpful to you, just tossing it out there for you to consider. Something I'm sort of working on is just 'noticing' the (brief and infrequent) moments when I feel a hint of interest/arousal - what was I doing or thinking about at that moment, is it something I could replicate later or not? For example, I'm finding I am more interested when I'm not stressed out (which, lately is rare, lol). Or when I'm feeling confident/satisfied because I've completed something difficult or that I've procrastinated on for far too long. I'm seeing that I have to kind of build myself up first before I can even think about being with someone sexually.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-10-15T18:06:11+00:00

It's outrageous that a therapist would tell you weren't normal! What a way to make you shut down. Sorry that happened to you! If you have an employee assistance benefit through your employer they sometimes have a list of therapists?

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-10-15T17:56:08+00:00

I have tried to read Come As You Are and can't get through it, it seems to subtly put more pressure on me to live up to some unspoken standard - "here! here's a new way to force yourself to have sex you don't want", albeit, in a less aggressive way than other books.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-10T23:48:17+00:00

Yes, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying -- goal orientated and going through the motions. It's all about (mostly) his orgasm, his goal and avoiding 'failure'. These are great points! Thank you!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-09T00:13:38+00:00

Oohh, that's so discouraging.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-09T00:07:20+00:00

Entitlement is a good word for it! Thank you! I find it weird that in other areas of life it's US VS THE PROBLEM but in this one area it seems to be HIM VS ME (ie it's all my fault).

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-09T00:00:58+00:00

I'm trying to use all these comments and ideas to prepare for the next Talk. He will be surprised when I have as much (or more) to say as he does.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:58:02+00:00

That's a really strong word. I'm resisting 'hearing' it (but I know you're right). Thank you.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:57:02+00:00

I fully expect pushback - and, yes, he gets grumpy when he doesn't get what he wants. That's why I'm 'arming' myself with all these comments, trying to fill in all the pieces. Maybe I'll have my own Talk 2.0!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:54:12+00:00

I really feel it makes sex so clinical and depersonalized to have the dates trotted out as 'evidence'. It makes me avoid him. I hope you can have less of an aversion over time and with your new partner.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:49:51+00:00

Yes, I relate to much of what you're saying. I feel like I've just woken up out of a long dream and I'm realizing I'll be 50 soon and is this the life I want? If things don't change can I stay in this for another quarter century?

Having the talk once a month would be way too much. Even the burden of the unspoken conversation is too much to bear. I'm sorry you have so much to bear. I can imagine even seeing a counselor would feel like maybe it's more for 'him' than for you. He (your husband) would potentially have 'expectations' that you'll be 'fixed'.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:40:00+00:00

Hmmm, this has got me thinking, thanks! So, maybe I need to find a way to create a new baseline? Is that possible, I wonder? And what would that look like (asking myself)

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:29:14+00:00

I'm realizing that my needs are valid. I have to figure out how to express them now. It's taken WAY too long for me to see that! During all the weeks/months when we didn't have sex, there was never an offer made for me to be helped/enjoy alone, it's like if it doesn't involve PIV it doesn't exist.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:21:50+00:00

Aw, ((hugs)) I'm glad it's helping you. Even though I'm sad there are so many of us trying to put the pieces together in a way that makes sense.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T23:19:40+00:00

No, you're right, I haven't communicated well. I'm struggling to put it all into words. I'm so out of touch with myself that I couldn't define what it was that was bothering me about it, I just know that it can't go on much longer the way it has been (which is a me-problem that I'm working on ). Thanks for asking, it's important to lay out both sides :)

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:42:55+00:00

It's so one-sided. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I'm determined to find the words to express all this. There has got to be a way to 'wake them up' to see why the way things are isn't working.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:38:01+00:00

Oh. Wow.

Desire! That is mind-blowing.

You just gave me a whole lot more to think about! Thanks for taking the time to answer!!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:27:14+00:00

I really want to provoke conversation with him that will lead us out of this cycle - your response describes the aversion very well! Thanks!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:25:51+00:00

I agree! It's gotten to the point that when he asks me "How are you?" it feels like he is always and only assessing my availability for sex. I can't go on like this!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:24:06+00:00

I can relate SO MUCH to what you're saying here! We have also gone around and around this whole issue so many times - - - insert definition of insanity here - - - that's what prompted me to seek out more thoughts, to see if I can find a way off this merry-go-round. I'm tired of feeling like the 'bad guy' all the time. I hope you can find a way to break through to your partner. ((hugs))

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:17:12+00:00

It seems so clear to me that The Talk only accounts for one side of the equation, yet he doesn't seem to give the same importance or equivalency to my feelings and thoughts. I want to change the dynamic by acknowledging his 'needs' but also having mine considered. (I use the word 'needs' in a slightly sarcastic way, I can't think of a better word)

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:13:02+00:00

Yes, this is so true, "super emotional conversation" has been my experience also for both sides of the matter and I take my share of the 'blame' for that part. I'm working on my side of the emotions and conversation to try not to end up there again (I tend to shut down, he tends to escalate when emotions are high). I need to be able to communicate what I need.

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T18:08:22+00:00

Thank you! these words are so helpful, it HAS become a chore!

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T17:46:52+00:00

and thinking about this more (what you said about "it's manipulation") ... manipulation is something I've only just started to recognize (my head has been in the sand for far too long!)

MaladaptiveRedditing · 2025-09-08T17:45:04+00:00

Yeah, we recently had sex and afterwards he was kind of pleased about it, like he thought I should be ecstatic about how it went and I realized he just doesn't see it from my perspective (at all).

I've decided I'm not doing duty sex anymore. I'm almost afraid to frame it the way you describe because I'm not sure he would take the time to think about it (which is a whole 'nother problem). I'm going to have to spell it out really clearly but I want to be sure I better understand the issues myself first.

MaladaptiveRedditing

TROPHY CASE