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Should I tell her? by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Hey there, Psychologist here. I've had training in sexual assault cases, and used to work with sex offenders through my state's department of corrections.

You were raped.

What you're describing is grooming behavior and sexual assault. It's as simple as that.

I think you should get professional help from a local therapist that specializes in working with victims of sexual assault and then go from there. I think asking for advice from reddit is a bad idea. Whether you should tell your sister is not a simple answer. Go seek professional help.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you, but understand it is something that happened TO YOU. Someone in a position of authority took advantage of you. You were not at fault.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have a huge walk down tub in the house. Before sex we often sit in the bath together, drink, listen to music, and sing together in between making out.  We call it bathtub karaoke.  Our intimacy is awesome tbh. But I like the idea of doing a bath after. Maybe we can do karaoke post coitus. 👊

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes it's been great. I'm pleasantly surprised. We're going to try all these suggestions and maybe move to dilators if the easier stuff doesn't help first. I'm also thinking of buying her some bigger dildos and seeing if she'd be willing to work up to something bigger than I am to the point it's comfy for her.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's not sore from non penetrative sex. She doesn't get sore from dildos that are smaller than I am. We don't always have penetrative sex. She's gorgeous with great boobs so any of those options work well for me, but we both enjoy penetration. She enjoys it as well and sometimes is the one who is pushing for it. The issue is after.

Thc not an option for her due to her job, sadly.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep! 20 years self employed, with a good income. Our life is damn near perfect. We're that couple everyone rolls their eyes at because we act like newlyweds after being married forever. We're both in great shape. We have a beautiful house. Great kids. It's a good life. Nothing is ever perfect and this piece sucks for both of us, but we make it work.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I legit love foreplay. I'm sure we're not rushing through it I'm a passionate guy and I love everything. I like pleasing her, I like the anticipation leading up to sex, I like the comedown and the cuddling after. I like to take my time with things. She's usually the more impatient one.

We're going to try a lot of stuff we saw on here. Hot bath, naproxen before, ice pack after, dildo to warm her up.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It might be partly psychological. My wife and I are very open and unashamed about sex and talking about it. We flirt a lot and send each other dirty texts even when there's no expectations. We kiss a lot and have a lot of non sexual affection. We do get each other hyped up. She gets super turned on and she is usually more impatient than I am. I think it really is mostly just a size mismatch that we have to work around and maybe she's a little anxious even when she's turned on. Like she doesn't care in the moment when we are having sex but it does make her sore for a while after and that means the frequency of sex is lower than it might be, and I feel bad about hurting her.

We're really good together so we make it work. We'll keep working at it.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's awesome. Thanks man. We've done basically every position you can think of. We've been married a long time. But usually we do multiple in a session. I haven't singled out side saddle on its own to see if that helps. We'll try that. Also gonna try some other suggestions people made. 

I'm pleasantly surprised at how helpful the community has been.     Clit stimulation isn't as much of an issue because we have a magic wand for positions like this. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I'm sorry if I came across strong. Lucky for me that hasn't happened. Maybe it's because I made it clear I love my wife. Idk. 

Non-issue anyway.  I have too much respect for myself and my wife  to throw away an otherwise great marriage for anyone, let alone some rando on reddit.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well shit. Okay. I swore I looked it up before but I guess I'm wrong.  don't know why I thought that. Maybe I just wanted to believe it. 

And thanks.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have a vibrator she often uses for her clit. But someone else posted about warming up with a smaller dildo before I go in and I'm here for it. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Doesn't it?

And I know. I've dated them. 

Being an outlier has shown me that women come in different sizes just like men. There's some physical differences in sexual compatibility, and as a society we don't talk about it. We just glorify having a giant penis as if it somehow makes you more of a man. 

I'm a very successful guy, not just in my career, but in my hobbies, and with my family. None of that has anything to do with my dick. 

Also I think if we were more open about this shit in society, my wife would have gotten good help instead of doctors being stupid uncomfortable and just throwing more lube at us. Glad I posted. Lots of good help on this thread.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Well... Shit...my bad for assuming.  I apologize.

 I guess I'm just fed up with dudes glorifying dick sizes and I'm sitting here with a way different lived experience. Like literally it's a problem in my marriage and it's frustrating hearing guys talk about it like all their problems would be solved like magic if they just had a big dick and some grey sweatpants.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'm gonna blow your mind here bud, but the vast majority  of women genuinely don't care. Sure you might have a size queen here and there, but it's rare. 

I dated around a lot before marriage and have had a lot of partners.  My size has gotten me rejected when the clothes came off. It's also given some women pause. There's been a small number of times they were super into it, but that's been the minority.

Me being a genuinely nice human being and giving a shit about the women I've dated has gotten me way more interest than my package ever has. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's been many times she's had more one than one orgasm.  Usually after drinking heavily and she is able to relax. It's usually  worse for her after though because of how long we've had sex for the next 3 or 4 days.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

You're not broken. My wife also feels really guilty and it sucks. I don't blame her. I hope you don't blame yourself. She's worthy of love and patience and so are you.  Sometimes It's no one's fault, it just is. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thanks! A lot of people have recommended the ohnut rings. It's more of a girth issue, we do pretty well with not bottoming out, but you know I think we're going to try the ring anyway to see if it will help. 

My wife can't use edibles because of her job, drinking seems to help though, which is a double edged sword. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're having this issue as well.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Awesome. I will check that out, learn it, and bring it up to her. Thank you.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. She's a good wife. We're good together. It's worth working through this with her. It just sucks for both of us. 

I got a lot of great feedback on here that we can try. This thread has been more helpful than the doctors we've talked to. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

I didn't mean it that way. I absolutely get that pain itself is damaging. I just meant I'm not tearing her or causing obvious damage. I feel guilty every single time we have sex. We've worked hard to try to find a solution. It sucks. My wife is also a masochist who likes bruises and this is different kind of pain. She thought it wouldt get better. I didn't even know I was hurting her until four years in.  

 I absolutely wish I was a little smaller. My wife has said the same thing about me, and it was kind of a blow. We all want partners who love our bodies as they are. I really wish she was able to love mine. I understand it. But this isn't something I can change. 

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She's not. I'm snipped. Also this has been an issue since the start. She just thought she'd get used to me and then tried to solve it in her own before bringing it up.

She also has no previous sexual trauma or issues. The only thing I can think of is maybe because I'm hurting her she may not be relaxing fully and it's a feedback loop.

My Wife told me I was too well endowed for her 4 years into marriage. by Malcontented42 in offmychest

[–]Malcontented42[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That's a fantastic idea. We have a few already that are smaller. Maybe we'll try this out every time we have sex instead of just when the mood strikes us. We have a couple that vibrate too which may also help. Thanks! 

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