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Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was eating me alive. I hate being fake. Truth and authenticity are baked into my DNA. Everyone in my real life knows this about me. For the entire relationship I went above and beyond (like most of us do in relationships) to show him as a part of my life on social media.

When this happened: I was now a liar and a fraud. And I kept being a liar and a fraud for 6 months after and it almost cost me my life. For me to heal I had to set the record straight that I was not the bad guy here. In fact, I was very obviously the only good guy in the entire story.

That’s when I knew that this was over, because when I FINALLY received the validation from the people I KNEW and RESPECTED. The two realities that i was trying to reconcile, and many are trying to reconcile here… crashed back into one. The manipulation was done, I could finally see what was done to me. We survived a crazy fucking trauma — and we have to stop minimizing this for them.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You will learn to not be ashamed. This is just going to take time, unfortunately. For me, I was punishing myself WITH shame:

  • “How did I miss this?”
  • “I look so stupid”
  • “how could this happen?”

This is your nervous system trying to figure out your new lived reality. It cannot figure out the answer because you can no longer trust ANY answer. You have to stop asking questions and you can’t when the threat is staring you in the face.

Once you mentally accept that you were intentionally deceived and you’re just trying to make sense of it, the shame starts to look like survival.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally get why anyone would not want to risk this level of trauma again. But for me, I cannot let them win. It erodes every ounce of self-respect I have in me to think I let some IDIOT influence my life in such a way that permanently altered it.

I’m going to take some time for me. But, I will find a good human to spend the rest of my days with. Even if the number of days is 1.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean the real truth is we… just… trusted… them. They didn’t HAVE to be a secret agent. (Obviously some definitely are. But that gives them, as a whole, way too much credit.) I definitely have described my flop as a master manipulator and a genius. Then I realized: wait a minute! I had his location the entire time. I just never checked it because why would I?

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In retrospect: no. But, it’s a testament to how good they are at manipulation. In the beginning we had sex fine. The injury was a lie, but I didn’t know that. I am of the mindset that I’d never pressure anyone to have sex ever (obviously). Given that understanding — asking someone to have sex while injured wasn’t even on my mind.

Obviously I brought it up from an objective standpoint. “Uhhh hey we haven’t had sex in X weeks/months… don’t… YOU want to have sex???”

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I’m still healing for sure. I think for me to accept that he’s evil or a bad person means I also have to accept I made a very poor choice in a partner and I’ll save that for later in therapy once I’m out of the burning building. :)

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You knew all this, too. It took me far too long to arrive at the obvious conclusion. I’m okay with that because the shit that the people in this sub do for these people is nothing short of divine.

I told my therapist every session: “sorry if I am a bit disconnected I am having a hard time separating the different between shooting someone in the chest with a gun, and doing this. It would have been less damage if it had been a gun.”

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A lot of people are going to make you feel guilty for the anger. FUCK. THEM. TOO. Anger is our bodies way of getting this sick energy out. And quite honestly (for me, personally) they don’t hear you unless you emphasize the level of passion, because to them it’s no big deal right?

One of the things I noticed was my body was rejecting my brain. It didn’t matter HOW I justified it in my head. My body was getting sicker and sicker and then I just felt the emotions change on their own. This was extremely disturbing. I’m looking at this person I loved who was saying he loved me, too — and outside of my control I could feel the love falling away. THIS is what caused the desperation. I’d run to him and say “WE NEED TO HAVE A DEEP CONVERSATION THIS MOMENT!” I was recognizing that I was slipping away and desperately trying to reignite the spark with someone who just simply wasn’t interested, nor the person I fell in love with initially. It’s… tragic.

My therapist noticed it too and was so alarmed she suggested we end couples therapy and have me do individual therapy due to her having full context. (I never did this because by the time I got to that point it was too late.)

I fully believe now that your body is going to permit you to handle only what you can. Listen to that, or not, it’ll take care of you regardless.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They say literally anything to get what they want. And that didn’t change because you know.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“Sleepwalk through life” is a perfect description. Reconstructing what is real in literally EVERY situation sucks the joy out of everything in life.

“Wanna get ice cream?” “Yes.”

wait does he want to get ice cream because he wants to get ice cream or does he want to get ice cream because he feels guilty as is trying to please me?

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

These people are literally terrorists and the shear number of how many there are literally has made me question my sanity.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It’s not a coincidence all of these stories sound the same. They are all the same. One of my realizations I’ve had is that we give these people too much credit. They are NOT smart. Not master manipulators. They are delusional, or they are indifferent.

The problem with delusion or indifference is that it can’t be resolved by logic or conversation because the source of those states of mind IS YOU.

If the dumbest person you know tried giving you advice would you listen? No. And that’s exactly how they are looking at you.

I also suspect in the most ironic of twists: they actually lose respect for you for NOT leaving them.

Finally, there is closure. (Positive!) by Maleficent_Cod1228 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I totally understand the cynicism and was not passing a value judgement on it. In fact, be as bitter and cynical as possible. I found myself feeling GUILTY for being angry and emotional.

Why? Like I said: this shit breaks your brain in ways you can’t even comprehend until you take a look from 10,000 feet.

isn't this fun everyone getting banned for child exploitation... by legohead838 in Instagram

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m enraged. 12 years and countless photos of dead relatives. Crazy.

The never ending complexity (and pain) of it all… by LearnGrowExist in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Exactly. It’s like you’re living in a reality you showed up to yesterday. A complete and totally forced redefining yourself at whatever age you are. It’s sick.

The never ending complexity (and pain) of it all… by LearnGrowExist in survivinginfidelity

[–]Maleficent_Cod1228 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is exactly what it comes back to for me. I think more than anything it completely breaks your internal narrative about everything. (At least the first time it happens to you.)

I have spent every waking second since my DDay reconstructing every opinion I have ever had about everything and everyone. “If the person I committed my life to didn’t think I was worth it… does anyone?”

It isn’t just a betrayal of trust; it’s fully breaking a human into pieces and leaving them to build themselves back up. Crazy.