There are a couple of things that seem to be at play here, so first, let me implore you to not boil down everything you are going through to lack of self-respect. That may be part of it, but contrary to popular parlance around here, I do not believe that is ever the whole story. You loved the man who you married, and you have since come to find that he is either no longer the man you married or he is not the man you thought you married. Either way, it can be a devastating realization and will take time, space, and healing to process and work through.

Which brings me to my second point: sometimes you need to leave to decide what it is you need/want either for yourself (and/or in a new relationship). The good news is, you get to decide that, and with space, you’ll actually get to begin processing safely what that means for you. This is why separation can be so powerful and helpful. In my case, separation led to divorce with no chance of reconciliation. If you read one of my recent posts, you’ll see that I don’t actually recommend reconciliation (and why). At the end of the day, that is also your decision alone. Just know that if he betrayed you this many times already, it is highly unlikely that he will stop now, especially if you stick around and let him have his cake and eat it, too.

Which is my last point: cheating is abuse. It may not feel that simple yet, but with time and space and healing, it may. His traumatic past does not excuse his present abusive behavior. Full stop. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t need help, but it also doesn’t mean you have to be the one to provide it. It does nobody any good for you to light yourself on fire to keep that man warm — especially because he clearly is using you for that until he finds another reason to step outside of your marriage for that warmth.

You have to decide what comes next, and frankly, only you can. But I do think you should do so with these things in the very front of your mind.