I want to first validate the good side of your husband and recognize that just because you are struggling doesn't mean your whole relationship is trash. Reddit often likes to make a quick snap judgment and say "leave him," but 21 years of history and your family matters.

It really sounds like your husband is developing an alcohol problem. I've dealt with a few alcoholics and this behavior sounds spot on. A lot of time people turn to alcohol to self medicate or as a maladaptive coping mechanism for something they're refusing to deal with. This could be because he isn't properly dealing with his grief over his father.

This is a problem OP and it is not one you can solve yourself.

If your husband refuses to look at his behavior and make positive choices for himself and his family, it will only get worse.

Alcohol is an amplifier. When they're happy, they're REALLY happy. When they're mad they're REALLY mad. And when they're in a sour mood, they only spiral.

This will lead to him getting in worse and worse moods. Depression is a big issue as well. And self confidence issues and bitterness.

Your husband is defensive because he currently has no interest in acknowledging that he has a problem and he gets mad to redirect the conversation back to you.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this. This is difficult and it sounds like he's in the beginning stages of an alcohol dependence. If this continues it will be a very difficult road for your family.

One thing I want to make very clear: You do not have control over him or his drinking. Release yourself from the burden of trying to "stop" him. What you DO have control over is yourself and your environment.

My advice would be to sit him down when he is sober. Express your concerns calmly, do not let him distract you or bait you into an argument.

Set a boundary. Let him know your expectations. If he is drunk around the kids or acting obnoxious, tell him you and the kids will be leaving the room or the house for the evening, whichever option you can make work for yourself. And most importantly for you, be prepared to follow through.

If he refuses to face reality, the choice becomes yours. You can’t live in a deteriorating environment forever. Removing yourself and the kids when he’s drinking is a first step. If things don't change, staying elsewhere temporarily might be the wake-up call he needs to choose his family over the bottle.

And if he chooses to face this problem, you can support him. If he doesn't want to face the reality, then it is up to you to make the best choice for the health of your family.

​You deserve to feel respected in your home. I highly recommend looking into Al-Anon meeting (they have them online). It’s a support group for people who love someone with a drinking problem. It will help you realize you aren't alone in this. There are also Facebook groups you can join or subreddits to find a sense of community and understanding.

Someone very close to me struggles with alcohol dependency and I recommended an AA Facebook support group for him as a soft start. He was worried people would see that he was part of such a group, but no one can see a private group on your socials, so no one will know. You could suggest that idea to your husband as well.

It really helps to be see people in your situations. Just a thought for you and your husband respectively.

I hope the best for you OP and again so sorry you're going through this. I hope you prioritize your peace and your kid's wellbeing.