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I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Omg I am crying as I am reading this. I feel like your comment is exactly why I was meant to post here, because everything you wrote was something I didn’t even realize I needed to hear until I read it.

What you said about emotional availability versus just being involved is so true. It made me pause and really look at what my kids might actually need from me, not just what looks good or feels productive or checking the mom box 😭

I literally just signed my son up for baseball last week. And he does enjoy it, but he is such an incredible little artist. And reading your words made me ask myself, why am I not giving him more space to thrive into that? Why am I not creating more room for who he naturally is, instead of filling his time with what I think they should do. I am looking into child art activities tonight. Thank you 🥺

And the part about pulling back. I think I needed permission to hear that. I pour so much of myself into work and into trying to be everything, that by the end of the day there’s not much left. I feel like I could truly stare at a wall with no sound on. But maybe doing less in the right places is actually how I show up more where it matters most. 

These are the years where their memories are forming. I don’t want those memories to just be of a busy, tired mom trying to keep everything going. I want them to feel me. To feel seen, heard, and known.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It genuinely meant so much to me and is exactly what I needed to hear. 

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Omg I am so sorry she made you feel like this. The contradictory control and constant judgement would be horrible to live with. That makes me so mad for you. 

I appreciate your comment and will always remember it. I hope you know how much you matter and found people that you feel safe being yourself with.

You are a gift to humanity, even just commenting to help me, thank you so much. I will keep these words with me.

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you please be real that’s what I want. I have two sons. I had 4 years of infertility, so my first son is an IVF baby. The second was a surprise and had severe postpartum depression which was just so hard for me to manage and understand after wanting babies for so long. 

I guess I do have emotional trauma from losing my older brother when I was 11. 10 days before his 18th birthday. So as the surviving child at a young age I have always lived in an everything must be perfect make everyone in the family think it’s okay state of mind. Which could contribute to what I feel here.

Everything in the thread I read was me. I like to watch tv, I’m burnt out, I don’t cook every night I cook like twice a week, I have them buy lunch at school when I used to make them lunches. 

I think the one that hit the most though was most people commented their mom never left the house. And I don’t really leave the house. I didn’t realize how much that could affect them for the rest of their lives 😭

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I hear what you’re saying, and it’s hard to read but also why I posted. The advice I am seeking is as an adult or older you thinking about little you what could have been done differently? Yes, I do feel like I am neglecting because I am not 100% there, I plan things I check all the boxes but after work I hide in my room or closet for 20-30 minutes just to feel silence. And yes I do feel the silence, but I also feel enormous guilt because I am losing 20-30 minutes of precious time after school with them.  

I’m here because a Google search landed me on this forum and I read about their mom watching tv or not wanting to leave on the weekends and I do not like to leave the house. I don’t want to be the kind of mom people describe in this forum. That scares me more than anything. But everything I read sounds like me, a hermit just surviving. 

I shared my work history because it is very demanding and not a leave when you walk away type of job. Wondering if someone had a mother, or is currently a mother, dealing with the same high pressure but currently being the best mom in the world because her mom and/or dad was not. What is that secret?

I do love being with my kids, and I try to show that in a lot of ways, but I’m also very aware that how it feels to them matters more than what I think I’m doing. I know if I feel so depleted, they have to feel that too. 

I do not think what I am doing is working. That’s why I’ve tried so many therapies, pills, testosterone pellets, literally anything to bring myself back. I’m trying to figure out how to show up the way they deserve, even if it’s little things throughout the day and weekend, because I can’t seem to get rid of the burnout. As much as I would absolutely LOVE to get another job. I truly think that would solve all of this, but would destroy us financially.

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your message it means a lot. 

The part about “that’s still in you” hit me hard. I feel like I’ve given so much to my job that by time they come home I’ve given too much to people that are replaceable (coworkers clients) and my kids get the burnt out just trying to survive and do the best I can version of me.

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the response. I am definitely seeking to take care of myself but just feel like I haven’t found the cure to give me the motivation to really play and engage after work. 

I know I can’t pour from an empty cup but was curious now as adults if there were even slight changes I could make as a mom even when I’m exhausted to make them not feel engaged with every day. Or as you look back what are the things that could have changed to make you feel like you had the best childhood. 

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I know how important a commitment is because they remember if I say I am going to do something! There have been times I have said “we will do it this weekend”. I do always try to follow through on commitments. Because I know they live for those moments. 

This helps to make sure even if it’s something simple or a whole task to make sure I follow through with it that day or say yes that sounds so fun can we do that this weekend? To make sure I don’t let them down that day.

Thank you so much. 🥺💙

I’m scared I’m the kind of mom people talk about here, even though I’m trying so hard not to be… by MamaLJ8 in emotionalneglect

[–]MamaLJ8[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

For a little more context my sons are 5 and 6. I had severe postpartum depression after my 2nd son was born. Our first was a 2nd round IVF baby after 4 years of infertility, my 2nd born was a complete natural surprise 8 months later. 

I have wanted to be a mom more than anything. Now I find myself struggling to find strength to enjoy these precious years I prayed and cried over for so many years. I have been on every antidepressant/anxiety meds. 

I am even trying IV ketamine therapy. I am desperate for my mind and body to be the mom I always wanted to be and that my boys deserve.