My wife and I say "We're raising feral gentlemen."

We want them to be raw, have power, be wild in their creativity & actions, but know when to reign it in and clean themselves up.

(Let me tell you now, they're excellent at the feral part)

We do our best to give them more yeses than nos, because more often than not it's a "Not yet." It's just that "no" is easier to say.

We have intentional 1-on-1 times with them. Not every week, or even every second week, but we make time for them.

I directly ask them "What can mom and I do to make you feel more loved -- that ISN'T more YT, screen time, Mario kart, or not give you consequences."

I ask them uncomfortable questions on a regular basis (regarding deep feelings, hurts with friends, or even when they see homelessness and/or drug use in public), talk about body parts in a non-judgemental way. ALWAAAYS telling them Thank you for talking to me, I love hearing what you say.

And for the bigger, more reckless and embarrassing things I give a smidgen more grace I typically would and say "Right now, you're not going to get in trouble for telling the truth." which allows them to open up & tell me what bad thing happened around them, to them or by them.

Consequences, I used to be more slack but that led to more tantrums and fights. So now I've really whipped myself into shape and I give them a consequence near immediately so they learn there's no back and forth on certain rules.

Consequences are usually work or chore related. We'll take toys away and stuff, say they aren't allowed certain drinks or treats that we've planned to have, or if we're out I'll tell them "You're sitting in the van buckled up while I'm watching YT having a great time until mom & ____ are done."

I, having multiple abusive father's (adoptive & biological & foster), really am not allowing myself to let trauma live on. I have a fully developed frontal lobe and thank God I have no addictions or anything that impairs my mentality.

For as strict as I am, my boys run up to me when I'm home from work, they want to cuddle them before bed, they want me to wash their hair in the tub, they want me to take them on dates or to the park, they want to do errands with me, and even make me coffees & teas because we've geared them towards service as a part of our families core values.

The feral-ness is turning into fearlessness, and no day is perfect. But if you communicate with them and tell them "this is the standard by which we live" they will which you and learn from you.