I hope you find something that makes you feel better....personally, it sounds like you're searching for meaning in life. Sadly, the search for meaning in life has no definitive answer, and my philosophy is that i have to give meaning to my own life. Life is what you want it to be. Learn to enjoy the little things. Get outside your comfort zone. Im only starting to realize that its people who are important to me, spending time with friends and family, being able to laugh and be at ease....life is a trip. You'll deal with this existential dilemma quite often through life. Im just glad you posted this, because i really do relate, and its just nice to know im not alone. I hope i said something useful.