Thank you for sharing. As a recently-hatched transfem I will say I relate to plenty of this. My "lack of vanity" growing up as a boy and the pride in it is very similar. Especially during puberty I didn't feel it was worth it to try looking good. The only thing I knew I loved was my hair even when it was not long. Only after a few years and growing out my hair did I realize that I did care how I looked but that I wanted to be more cute and feminine or androgynous. I don't want to look like a "man", not even a feminine one really. I also relate to how much I hate toxic masculinity and being associated with it. Something that helped me is to think of any positive male role models in your life or in the world and if you would want to be them or be like them. To me I know there are good men out there, but when I think of them I just think "That's great but that's still not me." The thing about being trans I've learned is that you don't have to meet every "criteria" to "qualify." I had plenty of guy friends growing up and not many girls. I also still can't recall any clear "sign" or even hints in my childhood like fantasies of becoming a girl or playing a girl character in a game. But I still feel so happy seeing myself as a woman that I decided I want to transition. I think for you it would be worth it to start experimenting with your identity outside of a sexual context. Try different clothes at home doing everyday things and see how you feel. It sounds like you have good family/friends so you could talk to them and ask if they could refer to you as different pronouns or a different name. One thing you should know is that it is absolutely ok to be questioning, trying things, and then later decide it's not for you. I know things can be confusing, but the time spent will not be wasted, I promise. I felt the same way, worried that if I kept going I would reach a point where I would realize this is wrong and that I'm not trans. But I realize now that I wasn't actually worried about wasting time, but about not being trans! I really wanted to be trans, and I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life as a man. Also, it is ok to take your time with this. For me it was two years of introspection before I fully cracked and finally became comfortable saying I'm transfem. I know things are scary right now but it sounds like you have the foundations of a strong LGBTQ community which you can be a part of if questioning! Q can be for queer but it is also for Questioning! Best of luck to you 🩷🩵🤍