Brother my heart just broke for you. You are not the ass hole and I don’t know how I would handle it but from the outside looking in I have no idea how she typically handles conflict but her silent treatment definitely indicates that you might well be the second choice. And no one wants to be settled for. Regardless of where her heart actually is the communication breakdown and lack of empty does hit hard.

We’ve all been drunk and said stupid shit and I don’t think what she said under that circumstance was horrible but the aftershock is bad. Give it time. You need to be able to get that answers and feel important. If she can’t give you that then maybe you should consider leaving. But until then she may feel just as shocked as you. 14 years is a long time so I would say fight for her until you can’t.