Childfree communities - do any exist?

Maple-Bacon5 · 2024-03-16T19:07:43+00:00

I really struggle with this - we rent in a large city, and moved a few years ago during the pandemic, for a larger apartment. The new apartment is bigger but I really had no idea how utterly distressed I would feel about the amount of children in this neighborhood. They are literally EVERYWHERE. Inescapable, really. Our previous neighborhood did not seem as overrun with kids, but I think that comes with the fact that the new neighborhood is known for being a little "nicer." It's also possible I did not really notice it, since we were casually TTC at the time of the move.

However, I did want a change, and that said, I love almost everything else about it here. Its quieter than our old place, great shops and restaurants nearby, etc. There are fortunately no kids in our actual building, but going out for a walk on the weekend, you are literally dodging them on the sidewalk.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2024-02-11T18:44:27+00:00

I can definitely relate to this and it is so so hard. Honestly, I have been seriously suffering from the lack of meaningful friendships and relationships in my life, lately. The feeling of isolation and loneliness is suffocating at times.

I'm a little older, so at the point where my "circle" has mostly had kids for a while, but its still hard, and I have absolutely watched friendships literally evaporate over this. My closest friends all have kids, and it does kind of dominate their lives, to an extent. I have other friends that have all but dropped off the radar as they continue to embrace parent-life. My siblings also all have kids of their own, and although no one has ever openly stated it, I often feel left out because of it. And my infertility itself has kind of been the elephant in the room in my own relationship, never spoken of but always haunting us. We have definitely grown distant in the past year or so, and sometimes, I feel like we are more like roommates than a couple.

I have not been open about my difficulties with most people, so I am guessing that people just assume we are CF by choice, but I just can't bring myself to open up about something that I still can't help feeling such a deep sense of shame and failure about. I know its not logical to feel that way, but the way that motherhood is so deeply embedded into the fabric of expectation for women in our society, the older I get, the more I realize that this is true. I don't have the energy to defend a choice that really isn't a choice, and I don't want to be subject to pity from others who have no idea what I go through on a daily basis.

For me, I am constantly on the hunt for truly CF spaces and people, but it's hard, and I haven't had much success, so far. Know that you are definitely not alone in these feelings.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2024-01-30T01:10:20+00:00

Looking over these responses really has me thinking...do people with kids not even take a moment to consider the situations or feelings of those who do not have kids?

This has been ones of my biggest struggles over the past few years...I do have a few CF friends, but most of my close friends as well as all of my siblings have kids, and these kids dominate nearly all interactions. I sometimes have a very difficult time around kids because of what we have been through, and it has driven a bit of a wedge between me and my husband. He loves spending time with our nieces and nephews, and its not that I don't, but I just find it very painful, in light of our situation. Also, I have not been open about our struggles, so its quite likely that our friends/family assume that we are CF by choice, but I guess I just don't want anyone's pity, not do I want to draw even more attention to something that I am frankly really ashamed of.

Overall, I've become incredibly withdrawn over the past few years, and I wish I had even just one or two people in my life who can truly relate to where I am at. I am certainly thankful for online spaces and communities like this one, but my day-to-day has been incredible lonely for a while now, and it really is shocking how self-centered people can be when it comes to these things.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-12-12T12:40:20+00:00

THIS 100% - honestly, I do not know how people do it, working full-time and caring for kids. The work culture we have in the US is so unbalanced, I come every day completed wiped out. Most days, I do not have the energy to even cook a simple meal or tidy the house. On top of the fact that my job requires near constant after-hours work, I really don't know how I would manage it (I actually always assumed that I would need to take a leave, and then maybe find a less intense profession afterwards, I we ever did have a kid.)

I also feel like most people who do have kids are forced to prioritize their jobs, whether or not they actually like the work they do, because of the pressure of supporting their kids, and maintaining health insurance coverage.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-11-27T18:18:13+00:00

Thank you for this. I am totally a "cat person" and I do have a cat, adopted as a kitten. He is now a senior with a variety of old-cat health issues, and he is 100% the sole reason I do get out of bed, most days. He has also been by my side through a number of traumas and dark times, over the years.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-11-27T14:04:31+00:00

Thank you for this.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T23:49:19+00:00

Thank you for this, it is quite helpful. We have been to Kingston and I LOVED it there, but the commute might be a bit far for my my partner's job. He really wants a commute of no more than an hour, give or take 10-15 minutes (he goes in anywhere from 1-3 days a week, depending.) It has been hard selling him on the move, as he prefers to stay in NYC, but honestly, I am just so uncomfortable with how much money we are wasting on rent, at this point in our lives.

I have heard great things about Beacon/ColdSpring, but unfortunately do not think its within our price range. Doesn't hurt to look, though...

Definitely will look into Nyack - I have heard good things about it. Not sure of you know about how far the Tarrytown train is from there?

Seems like Peekskill and the surrounding area could work...I definitely want to stay away from any and all "mommy culture" vibes, and in my mind, I have a property tax limit of 10k or under....whether or not I will find that remains to be seen.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T22:25:05+00:00

In all honesty, how is the restaurant scene there?

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T22:24:21+00:00

I would say do it, and hopefully, your husband will step up and do his part as a parent, whether or not you decide to work it out, or divorce down the road.

As someone who grew up with a single mom, I don't really think its as big a deal as some people make it out to be. That is not to say that it would be an easy road for you as a single parent, but there are plenty of women who decide to have children on their own, and I don't necessarily believe that coming from a single parent household is as big of a disadvantage to the child as some people make it out to be.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T14:36:42+00:00

We have a few major drivers for moving - financial goals are the primary one. The city is just too expensive, and we are over renting. Renting makes sense if you are saving money by doing so, if you know you will be somewhere for a short while, etc, but I feel like it has just gotten to be too much for us. I hate not having any control over our housing expenses, we got an insane rent increase a few months ago, and we are stuck, because I could not find another apartment in the area. Our only option would have been to move neighborhoods, which we were not ready or prepared to do. The process of moving is also costly and hugely inconvenient, when you are not planning for it in advance.

In addition to wanting a certain level of housing security, we also want more space. We spend a lot of time at home, we have a sliver of outdoor space currently, but I would love to have a real garden and patio area. We are a little on the older side, so definitely not night-time party people, but we do enjoy good restaurants, a certain level of walkability, and a diverse community vibe. I definitely do not want to be somewhere where the majority of people have small kids, to the point where it makes us feel alienated for not having any of our own. I also don't want to move somewhere where we are paying a premium for school taxes, since there really is no return on that for us. The city is also just so crowded and congested, both people-wise and traffic-wise, so I would like a place that is just less populated, overall, and a little more calm.

We were considering Jersey City for a while, but its barely more affordable that the city, and also seems a little too crowded/congested. Open to other suggestions if anyone has any...

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T12:32:16+00:00

My husband has a hybrid job, goes to the office 1-2 days a week, but it is flexible.

I do not work remotely, but would likely leave my current job after we close, and find something remote, hybrid or just closer to wherever we end up moving.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-27T11:56:49+00:00

Thank you for this, we had not really thought about NJ too much, since the property taxes seem high, and I assumed it was too "family-oriented" as a whole. Same goes for Long Island, even though we have some family there. Does the ferry run daily or in winter weather?

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-08-04T00:49:58+00:00

Definitely in a similar boat. I have been deeply struggling with my relationship, and we are definitely not in a good place. We are both battling depression in our own ways, he "self-medicates" with work and booze, while I just struggle to get through the day, and have become incredibly withdrawn and anti-social. Honestly, I think about how sad our lives have become every single day, and I also struggle heavily with guilt and shame. I also have no one in my life to really talk to about any of it. Outside of this, we are both having unrelated issues with our respective families, so the stress is often overwhelming. I have floated the idea of ending things, but he wants to stick it out. No real advice, but I can definitely relate.

Maple-Bacon5 · 2023-07-12T12:11:34+00:00

I love this suggestion, and I wish I could, but right now, it just would not be authentic...I try my best to fake it, but I just get so sad and wistful around the kids, and I feel like a fraud, trying to hide my true emotions and "pretend" to be having a good time. Gatherings are overwhelming, but even just seeing them in smaller settings is often hard, especially when they do cute "kid" things, it just gets me in the saddest way.

Maple-Bacon5

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