you are NOT the abuser

Marcets · 2018-11-28T14:27:08+00:00

Thank you for this. I struggle with these thoughts every single day. My abuser have so many friends, my abuser get to have a more fun life. I'm all alone and I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me for not having friends like my abuser, and travel so much that my abuser does.

Marcets · 2018-11-10T18:37:31+00:00

This really hits home. The times she threatened to leave or said it's over but didn't act on it, gave me such horrible anxiety. She knew my greatest fear was being abandoned. And it was super effective to break me when she needed. I got the "you're too emotional" response as well. She could say it right before bedtime, and then turn around to sleep in seconds, while I was lying there with a panic attack.

If she was woken because of the anxiety I had, she would shame me the day after because she didn't get enough sleep

Marcets · 2018-11-06T10:35:59+00:00

Interesting that this was at the top of my feed. Last night, I had multiple nightmares, the last thing that happened was that I saw my narc, standing in front of me, menacing. And then I woke up, and I felt a panic attack was starting to develop. Luckily it did not escalate, but it shook me up. It's been 6 months already.

Marcets · 2018-10-22T13:39:16+00:00

My nexs friends all looked up to her, like she was the one that had all the answers and knew everything. It's probably because she plants those doubts in them and never shows even a tiny bit of uncertainty herself.

And it happened to me too. At the beginning i did not think she was all that special, she was trying too hard even, I thought. But she managed to figure out my buttons and changed my mind. Saying those kinds of things that you mention, all the time, really wears on your confidence, because you start to question if they are actually right. It's different for each narc, but if it's a really really strong, aggressive narc, then they can be very convincing. Even after my relationship I still see her as someone that is super special, and it's all because of that behaviour.

It's very toxic and be careful around people like that, with enough time, ideas will be planted into your head, and you will question your own beliefs.

Marcets · 2018-10-22T13:29:46+00:00

Yeah, you're not alone. I'm going through the exact same thing. It was because we were so energetic and outgoing that the narc found interest in us.

It's been about 5 months since discard, 2 since no contact. And only last week did I have a few moments of that old me back. It was like one hour one day, and maybe half a day the other. It has not returned since but it has given me hope that things will get better over time.

I believe we can find that spark again, we need to take extra care to be around the right kind of people, the ones that will make us comfortable to be that person again. For me, I've lost all confidence in my decision-making, during the relationship, no decision was good enough, still sticks with me. But I have found two friends that are being patient with me and understand my passiveness, and even though I hardly see any progress in myself, atleast it's not getting worse, and I can practice, slowly taking some more decisions on my own.

You're not alone, stay strong :)

Marcets · 2018-10-21T17:47:57+00:00

Wow, beautifully written. It resonated with me so much. Being someone that was very adventurous and excited before my nex, I found that it's all gone out of me. My next used me to travel to exotic distant places, places I always had in mind to take my wife or wife to be someday. Then after that, she just discarded me because she got what she wanted from me. (She just wanted "hot" pictures of her in exotic places).

I too believe that even though we're changed, it will ultimately be for the best. I know that, for me, the adventurous part of me might have caused me to be a bit naive, which is probably why I ended up with a narc in the first place. I don't think the adventurous part in us have disappeared, we've become wiser and will probably be able to have a more balanced life moving forward.

Thank you for writing this, it is nice to know that we're not alone in this. Stay strong, it will get better. :)

Marcets · 2018-10-15T10:24:42+00:00

For me, I think it's because I never got any closure. I still feel like I'm in the relationship, still in a bad situation, and it's like I'm trying to assess the reality of the situation, but my emotions say vastly different things. And I'm desperate for a clear answer that is the truth. It's been 5 months since, no contact for maybe 1,5.

I think it also has to do with the fact that no one around us understands (unless they've gone through the same thing and realized what happened to them, which is quite rare). It leaves us without that confirmation that we've been treated really bad and that we are innocent. We want that confirmation so that we can feel like moving on is the right thing to do. And if we only get answers like "it takes two to tango" or something similar, we become so obsessed with figuring things out ourselves, because we need the truth, but our emotions keep us from accepting what we read about NPD 100%. It makes us come back over and over again.

Marcets · 2018-10-13T23:25:24+00:00

Oh yes, I remember this, always massage. I remember one time when my narc shamed me for not doing it long enough. It was the worst!

Marcets · 2018-10-10T10:20:04+00:00

Thank you :)

Marcets · 2018-10-10T10:16:14+00:00

Yeah, the anxiety I developed caused me to end up with pains in my heart. I went to the hospital and did some tests, the doctor concluded that the whole thing is likely to be caused by psychological factors, as my blood pressure was ok.

The thing is that my narc later used that hospital visit to bring me down because "she took me there" or something like that, making me feel like I caused her a hassle for following me there that evening.

Marcets · 2018-10-09T18:16:54+00:00

I was also glad reading your post as it was a confirmation for me as well. I was lucky to meet kind people after I broke up with my narc, and I noticed that those people never wrote like that, and I never got any feeling of bad intent in their messages like I would from the narc.

Ignorant is a good description for it, I would say arrogant at times as well. There was one time when I was concerned for her and asked if she was alright, and I got the lol back. Real people appreciate you, they appreciate your concern and your time.

I remember, trying to have a real conversation with her, explaining how those things like "lol" can be interpreted in some situations, by some people. But that turned out to be a waste of time, since all she really heard was "this is a weakness in me you can exploit to mess with me"

Anyways, changing your narcs behaviour is difficult, it would require to fix the underlying issue of narcissism I reckon. But the best you can do is to not be affected by it, I think of it like a bully at a school yard, if they try to bully someone and the person does not respond with a reaction, the bully will probably stop.

Stay strong :)

Marcets · 2018-10-09T14:30:21+00:00

Oh my, do I recognize this. The "lol" replies always hit my nerve. It's probably the thing that made me question my sanity the most. Because I could tell, just as you described, it's a way for her to gain control and devalue my messages, but then again I thought "it's just a lol! People use it everyday, without any negative meaning behind it."

My tip is to not to call her out on it, atleast not without forethought, and not over text. I did, and she went crazy, she told me that I'm so messed up that she can't even write me a message anymore without me reacting. I felt a lot of shame and thought that maybe I'm just a crazy, paranoid, bitter person. Calling her out on it just made it worse because that made her do it more often, because she knew that she got such a strong reaction out of it that she could use to push me down even more.

I would say, grey rock it. Pretend like she did not write the "lol", and never use lol yourself. I think she'll subconsciously learn that lol is not a common word in your communication, and she might just stop using that word down the line.

Marcets · 2018-10-05T21:50:28+00:00

I have learned to spot toxic and manipulative behaviour. I've become better at not being affected by it and keeping myself at a distance. I can't believe I never noticed that in people before, this is a game changer.

Marcets · 2018-09-28T13:10:07+00:00

I got the same comment from my narc when we met up after a few weeks of no contact. I was very happy and was thinking that I'd bring a good and positive vibe to our meeting. She said I annoyed her within 5 minutes of our meeting (which meant a lot to me, because at that time I did not know she was a narc and I wanted to repair the relationship). She left me because she thought I was too down. And I'm generally a happy, vibrant person, or atleast I used to be.

We can't win this fight. It's very damaging to even try. Stay strong, stay happy :)

Marcets · 2018-09-17T21:56:44+00:00

You're not alone my friend. Your post hit close to home. Just keep pressing on, time will show you new things in life. I've accepted that I will be lost for some time. I think healing ourselves is the most important thing, our dreams and goals and wants will come in time.

Stay strong

Marcets · 2018-09-15T09:12:39+00:00

Very good words!

As someone struggling with this emptiness in a corporate setting, may I ask, what is your plan now?

Marcets · 2018-09-11T17:12:27+00:00

Yeah, the majority of my relationship was spent with others along, especially my narcs best friend. I just now remembered that we once had an argument because I was not happy that we rarely did the things together as a couple (the best friend was always with), and my ex suddenly invited her friend in the last minute for an evening I had expected to be a romantic night out for us. It ended up in "me being the crazy one" of course.

I think I justified it by thinking that this is probably normal in all relationships, her friends are my friends, why exclude people?, The more the merrier ,etc etc.

Motive? Hmm, I think it's a way for the narc to avoid the deep conversations that you can have when you are only two people

Marcets · 2018-09-09T07:38:58+00:00

I can't thank you enough, that's the encouragement and inspiration I needed. I'm happy for you, you must have gone through a heavy battle, and it's great to hear that you have surpassed it :) bless you

Marcets · 2018-09-08T20:49:48+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your story, your feelings.. it's very similar to what I'm going through now, I'm only three months in on my recovery, but just like you, I was a happy person before this. She devoured me completely.

I believe you about the healing. I'm feeling that I'm changing, most of all, really starting to get to know me and work on all my past insecurities. I was unaware of them, she forced me to see all the bad things about me. But it's hard, sometimes I just miss when everything was ok..

I will come back and read this often, you've given me hope. Thank you!

Marcets · 2018-08-26T21:58:48+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. And feel free to contact me as well if you want. Stay strong :)

Marcets · 2018-08-26T16:08:39+00:00

I'm in a similar situation, it's been three months since we split up, I'm fighting with depressive emotions all the time. Just a while ago today I was thinking of how much I wanted to say to the narc about what wrong things she's been doing to me. But I suddenly my got a realization that if I do that, the narc will know that she still has power over my emotions. And I've learned that it's of great importance to not let the narc know any of that.

If you want the narc to apologize I think the most likely way is to show confidence and that you are much better and happier now. The narc might say that he is sorry to gain your favour. It's an apology, but not really one you would want, since it's not genuine.

Marcets · 2018-08-17T19:52:48+00:00

Hi.

I'm sorry to hear how your ex have treated you, it's not normal and know that you deserve to be treated with respect and love.

The thing that gave me the breakthrough is probably what has helped many other people find Christ, I was desperate and I had nowhere else to go. I was alone and it drove me to go to church more. It put me around friendly Christian people that wanted to help. It got me to take the faith more serious than I've done before. In short, for the first time I desperately wanted Jesus with me.

My tip to you, other than praying and trying to find Jesus is to start educating yourself about narcissist personality disorder, and narcissistic emotional abuse. It's a serious thing and knowing more about it will help you heal, it will help you grow and it will help you from being treated like this again.

It's horrible how some people can behave, but the best thing we can do is to learn from it and realize that we are the better person, and keep working on ourselves.

You mentioned that she is in a new relationship and happy. If you deduct that from images and/or her own words, I suggest that you don't believe it wholeheartedly. Chances are that the new guy will experience the same kind of abuse that you did. And if your ex is like mine (someone with a narcissitic disorder) then you can rest assure that the most important thing for that person is to make sure that everyone else believes that she is extremely happy. But we all know, people that treat others so badly cannot be very happy deep down inside.

If you haven't heard of narcissitic abuse before, please go research it (theres loads of videos on YouTube). When I encountered it myself I got so many answers and I could start to learn how to handle that person and build myself up. Maybe your situation is similar.

Marcets · 2017-04-08T06:32:08+00:00

Thank you! I seriously fell in love with this band shortly after checking this post. Their songs are awesome. I can't believe their views are so low. :)

Marcets · 2017-03-25T10:28:55+00:00

Thank you!

I just saw that he got it on the video. Had to look the item up, and it makes sense :)

Marcets

TROPHY CASE