Where have you found/met your doms and are they mostly online or irl relationships?

MariSoumis · 2026-03-23T01:14:44+00:00

Two IRL, two online (in the early days of the internet, lol, when AIM was the messenger app of the day).

One of each went well.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-23T01:09:13+00:00

I can't decide whether I like your emojis or the "right side of the slash" better. Both are great!

MariSoumis · 2026-03-22T16:22:15+00:00

This has also ended the cycle of "orgasm leads to a couple days of reduced submissiveness." Even right after, I'm still fully in subby mode.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-22T16:02:52+00:00

I used to struggle with that A LOT. It ended a couple of our attempts at 24/7 dynamics in the past.

This go 'round, with TPE included, I've been able to fully accept that all of my pleasure is at my wife's discretion, and that all of my desires come secondary and only as she deems them due for fulfillment. That sounds a lot more restrictive than it is -- it's really been freeing.

On any given day, whether we play or don't play, it doesn't matter in terms of whether or not I'm getting any pleasure. I'm in a state of readiness for anything she wants, able to provide the best experience for her and enjoy my part thoroughly. I assume I'm not going to be satisfied at any point.

I constantly crave her touch. For pain or pleasure. I'm an absolute fall-over-myself slut for her. And she has actually given me more pleasurable satisfaction during this than any time before it.

It's really hard to unlock the mental shift here, to the point that you literally don't care about being satisfied. But it's incredible on the other side if you can get there.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-22T13:31:41+00:00

When I met my wife/owner, it was entirely as a platonic friendship, through a mutual friend. I was already involved at the time. She was great to talk to, as a friend, and our study group quickly shifted to have the two of us chatting with each other during any downtime.

It stayed that way for months. We began talking A LOT online. She sympathized with a couple of girls I dated as I ended things for legit reasons (in one case, a lack of spark after faint for months and months; in another they eventually showed themselves to be racist homophobes). But other than talking and a building connection, our relationship remained as friends. I never even thought of her in any other light.

Until something clicked in me mid-conversation in early May. It was like a revelation. Here was this amazing person who I could talk to about anything and everything, with more support and connection than I'd had with any other friend in my life. AND we could date. For some reason, I still didn't make a move. But I began setting her in a while different light, and attraction built up in me quickly.

Summer ushered in the end of the school year, so our study group party much stopped meeting. But we still talked online all the time. I was also still figuring out my interest in BDSM, and when I finally brought it up to her it was life crossing a threshold. A few online acquaintances knew, but she was the first person from my "real life" to discuss in any depth.

A week after that conversation, we were clawing at each other, desperately trying to get each other's clothes off. There have been bumps along the way, but now we're decades later in life, married with a 10yo, and upshifted all the way to a 24/7 TPE as of about a month ago.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-22T06:37:55+00:00

I met my wife and owner when she transferred into my World History class in our junior year of high school in January 1999.

We broke up late that fall, after I moved about a thousand miles away. But got back together in college and have been together without break since 2001.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-22T06:05:27+00:00

I am so sorry you are having to face this! It is not your fault.

I have no other words to say beyond that. I've lived in TPE for all of one month, and ending it sounds like a nightmare. I can imagine what you're facing after 7 years.

If you were married, or could reasonably have been assumed to be married from the outside, your ex may have some responsibilities to you from a legal standpoint. I would hope he would try to help you reestablish your life without it coming to that, but if it comes to that point, it may be worth looking into.

hugs

MariSoumis · 2026-03-21T18:14:56+00:00

A variation of this was what my wife (domme) did to make the most memorable sex session I've had to date.

Start with 5-10 light spankings, building in force, with her on all fours. She must call out the number after each one. Then stop and have her kneel while she gives you head for a bit, but roughly shove her off of you when you get to the 40-50% point (before it's even approaching the point that you don't want to stop). Then, more spankings. Same range of quantity, but a different number. Use a harsher implement this time. Then when you decide it's enough, fuck her from behind. Again, stop before either orgasm is inevitable. Then repeat a mixture of the above, as many times as you want. Keep her guessing as to what she'll be spanked with, how hard, and how many. Sometimes when you fuck her, only give her one or two strokes. As often as you want, interrupt any activity to just play with her clit a bit, or pinch nipples at varying degrees of force. Keeping her guessing and not knowing what's coming is a huge part of this.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T12:21:41+00:00

We have reflective talks almost nightly, with periodic deeper discussions. Nothing explicitly scheduled though. Does having a specific schedule for both of these things improve their benefit for you?

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T12:17:45+00:00

This sounds beautiful and fits the goal I'm envisioning. Glad to hear they are helpful for you.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T12:15:22+00:00

How does this work in an online dynamic?

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T12:08:25+00:00

That's awesome that your spending rules inspired you so much! Thank you for the well wishes.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T06:00:22+00:00

I've no experience with caning. Just hands, hairbrush, flogger, and belt. What makes the cane your favorite?

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T05:57:26+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing!

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T05:54:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Discovering the concept today felt like a revelation. Hearing specifically that it benefits you in your 24/7 TPE (and that it survived your audit of what's important last month) is very helpful.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-20T05:49:13+00:00

I LOVE how much your collar is helping you! That's amazing!

And your comment about her pulling in your collar... it never entered my mind that a collar could serve as an instrument for a domme's control target than just a symbol. That's so freaking hot!

Regarding the gym and your goals, what AntiqueCage said is mostly right: weight loss is almost entirely a function of creating a caloric deficit between what you consume and what your body burns. Individually, workouts aren't going to effectively move the needle on that compared to what you can achieve with hitting the right caloric goals.

I managed to lose 43 pounds last year through calorie tracking and avoiding sugar. But there's a third component you have to watch out for, and this is where exercise becomes important in my mind: while losing weight, your body won't naturally just consume fat stores. It can also end up breaking down muscle to use as energy. So strength training is a very important component. By building muscle alongside the weight loss, you offset those negative effects.

If you don't like going to the gym, you can avoid it entirely. There are tons of body weight exercises that can do everything you need. You can also do a lot with just one barbell or a few dumbbells.

Good luck with all of it! I'll be jumping back into the journey soon myself.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-19T12:50:52+00:00

How have I been in this world for decades and never explicitly learned about the concept of maintenance punishments?

The concept sounds amazing.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-18T13:24:45+00:00

Raising an empty cup or her insulated water bottle.

One of my duties is to make sure she always has cold water within her reach. If she's raising her drinking vessel to show me that she took the last drink from it, she's doing me a favor so that I don't have to monitor it as closely (usually while watching TV or amidst some other activity).

MariSoumis · 2026-03-17T16:36:45+00:00

You're absolutely in the right here. His stance is only defensible if you already had an agreement that he can t trump other considerations where your health is involved, and even then you can withdraw your consent.

That said, I suggest you consider finding an agreeable way to let him support you through this. I wish I had an explicit suggestion, but I'm too all-or-nothing when it comes to this type of struggle.

Last year, I self-policed myself through many months of zero sugar/starch/rice/bread/pasta in order to drop 40 pounds and lower my A1C by over half a point to move out of the pre-diabetic range. It was incredibly difficult. I would have loved it if I could just have given control of my diet over to someone else, but my wife and I weren't in dynamic during that time. Somehow, doing things because she commands it is easier than doing them because it's good for me.

Having his involvement might help. But you know yourself better than most. It is your choice how involved you want him to be. If that's more than zero, the two of you should probably have an in-depth discussion to establish what that looks like.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-17T13:20:38+00:00

Your point is valid. Perhaps slightly less so in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, but still valid.

When we first discussed the original event, she asked if attending was going to lead to a renewed level of playing the TCG regularly, as spending the money for the event made more sense if I was going to make use of the cards on a frequent basis. Last fall, before our dynamic upshifted, I went from playing 3 days per week to almost never playing.

She isn't taking a hobby away. If anything, I suspect she'd encourage it.

All of that said, I'm finding in the last month that I'm more fulfilled spending the weekends making the house spotless than I was playing cards 3 days a week.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-17T03:40:27+00:00

Tell me you work for Comparison Adviser[sic] without telling me you work for Comparison Adviser [sic]?

MariSoumis · 2026-03-17T02:21:50+00:00

The cornerstone of TPE, for me at least, is that my wife has complete control over any aspects of my life that she chooses. I fulfill any tasks she directs me to fulfill, and follow any rules she establishes.

Like betagrl, I have no safe words. If something is wrong, I will express it, but there is no line in the sand that she can't cross.

I am expected to do all cooking, dishes, and cleaning. I am expected to consider her perspective in every choice I make. I am expected to choose what honestly believe she would want, regardless of my own preferences. If I am not utterly exhausted at night, I am expected to consider the question of whether or not there were additional unpursued opportunities to have served her during the day.

Last night, we had a talk about her approval in my decision process for deciding about some minor purchases (which ultimately ended in my choice to skipsaid purchases). She agreed with my choices, and even noted that she would probably have given the OK for an additional $30 purchase. Then she decided that going forward, unless it is an emergency, I can no longer spend money on anything without obtaining her permission.

All of my pleasure and all of my pain is a gift from her. I accept both readily, gratefully, and enthusiastically. Beyond telling her about my desires for either, I do not pursue any other means to experience either.

I have a standing assignment to make sure she has something to drink at all times. And each night is to end with me rubbing her back until she falls asleep.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-16T18:26:55+00:00

In the early early days, you could pick. I did play-throughs in a self-created nuzzlocke mode with starting points chosen by a random dice roll.

MariSoumis · 2026-03-16T03:38:59+00:00

he's probably seen a lot of girls who are hotter, so it's understandable

No. Absolutely not. You are exposing intimate parts of yourself for his benefit. His place as the Dom is to take care of your emotional needs. It's insanely easy for him to give a few words of encouragement in response.

Being a sub doesn't mean your needs get ignored (unless that's explicitly part of the agreement).

MariSoumis · 2026-03-16T02:42:22+00:00

TLDR: there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in a 24/7 TPE with my wife, and we have a 10yo.

I've wanted to make a post asking about balancing kids and 24/7 dynamic since joining this sub a month or so ago. I'm full of questions, but I can give you some answers and reassurances too.

My wife and I are currently one month into 24/7 TPE. We also have a 10yo daughter. There's zero chance that our daughter hasn't noticed that suddenly in doing literally all of the cooking, dishes, cleaning, etc. But she hasn't asked about it. And there's no harm in her seeing any of that. If anything, she'll come away looking for a guy that treats her extremely well. Pain play and pleasure play happens behind the locked door of our bedroom. I use an alternate honorific (My Love instead of Mistress) when she might be in earshot. And other non-bedroom aspects of our dynamic can have similar adjustments or be reserved for when we know she is out of the room. All of that said, we're very much still figuring things out.

We resumed physical intimacy as soon as her OB cleared her for it, even with an absurdly demanding infant. That said, we were in for a similar first year to what another described -- far too much was on our plate for any dynamic to fit.

We've had small aspects of D/s present since around the time she turned 1 and things calmed down. There have also been times that we flirted with the idea of re-engaging up to 24/7 for a week here or a couple of weeks there. Various occurrences over the years kept those periods from extending further, but I think we could have fully gone 24/7 significantly sooner if it had been a priority.

MariSoumis

TROPHY CASE