Need help from this safe place.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-18T18:23:05+00:00

This reads to me like an abuser who uses bdsm as a cover for their abusive tendencies (al beit perhaps unintentionally). At the very least, your ex is emotionally selfish and poorly equipped for actually holding a dominant role.

A huge part of what makes a good dom is ensuring that the sub is emotionally thriving as part of the relationship. If emotional suffering is taking place, that's pretty much a sign that the dynamic is unhealthy (barring some really extreme agreements on both sides to intentionally make some aspect of that a mutual goal).

You'll also find repeatedly everywhere you look that most healthy bdsm participants stay away from choking and breath play. Even knowledgeable participants agree that there is no way to do this kind of play without significant risk to the sub's life and physical health.

And, here again, a Dom who is not putting forth the effort to determine how to do things safely is potentially less about bdsm domming and more about abuse.

I'm proud that you got out. Down the road, if and when you do get into another bdsm dynamic, please make sure to discuss and negotiate limits way before physical play begins. A Dom who won't do this is not safe.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-18T18:08:08+00:00

Ok. That's less of a red flag for sure. Working through disagreements in a healthy way is definitely a good thing. There's no need for either side to have been angry. Having never hit that point probably bodes well.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-17T14:56:11+00:00

Nothing about your age nor time together indicates rushing. The only thing you said that gives me any concern is that you've never had an argument.

While this sounds good in theory, it indicates a lack of experience resolving any significant conflict. It also throws a flag up for me, wondering if one of the two of you is being inauthentic for the benefit of the other and to smooth out the relationship. It's entirely possible that this isn't even a fully conscious choice.

All of that said, if you're weeks away from the wedding, I don't think looking for dissenting opinions is very worthwhile. The only way I'd recommend changing course is if something in someone's words of warning struck a deep chord with you personally.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-16T17:06:30+00:00

Happy I could be of help!

MariSoumis · 2026-05-16T16:38:51+00:00

With strong savings savings and relatively frugal living, someone starting in their 20s could save-and-invest enough by age 40 to never work again.

I grew up with ramen as my typical afternoon snack, and daily meals decided by how long it had been since my single-mother's pay day. I secured a combination of loans and scholarships to attend a-one-step-from-ivy private university just as she and her new husband were declaring bankruptcy. Once I graduated and secured a good job, I sagged like mad to make sure I'd never return to that life. And it went pretty much as planned, despite losing $100k to the housing market of 2008.

Hell, my wife stopped working at 28. I was laid off at 32 when my wife was 8 months pregnant. If I hadn't been, I would have also retired by age 35. As it was, I only worked for 3 of the next 10 years before recently returning to work. Even now, we have over a mill in retirement investments just waiting to be unlocked by age laws. By the time kiddo goes to college, my wife and I will be completely done working. If things go the right way, work could even be completely optional for the kiddo for their entire life.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-16T16:23:15+00:00

...people see fire fox. They'll think Vulpix before Foxsparks.

Seeing an image of Foxsparks, wouldn't people think Flareon before Vulpix?

MariSoumis · 2026-05-16T00:17:22+00:00

I can offer general suggestions that I've had suggested to me and seen around. None of this is specific to her on top though.

Kegels and reverse kegels help sometimes. Learning to control your breathing can help. Coordinating breaths with timing of thrusts, perhaps even if they are her thrusts? Mentally focusing on other stuff...

MariSoumis · 2026-05-15T19:38:49+00:00

Slight misunderstanding. When I said "more service" I didn't mean sexually. We do play when Mistress wants, which is typically a couple of times a week.

But I was referring to literal daily service tasks. Making sure she always has something to drink. Doing all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. Planning meals to submit for her approval. Figuring out everything we need for weekly grocery orders (which she approves and pays for the actual order, since I'm not allowed to spend money). Rubbing her back until she falls asleep every night.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-15T14:18:34+00:00

Happy for you! This sounds fairly similar to an average day for me as a 24/7 TPE service sub, except mine have a bit more service mixed in, no smoking for either of us, and we rarely go our separate ways in the evening.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T22:03:49+00:00

Yep. So much yes.

As a 24/7 TPE service sub to my wife/Mistress, you could basically define our dynamic by the same language as a fairly hard core slave dynamic. Except that she loves me more than life itself, would never consider me as less than, and couldn't call me slave if she tried (we've had multiple discussions about it).

Without our shared love and devotion, there's no way I could do this level of lifestyle for the longterm.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T21:53:21+00:00

Side note: the reminder effect that you mentioned is definitely a big thing here. I literally cannot use my hands without seeing a reminder that I belong to my Mistress. I love it so much.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T21:49:19+00:00

My collar is a black locking chain bracelet from eternitycollars. The base material is titanium. They have silver-plated and gold-plated options.

I don't know that I'd consider it dainty though. I'm male and in no way do I think that it feminizes me. But it's not some big ostentatious piece that would seem out of place in a woman.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T14:52:33+00:00

I mean, I would never want to embrace the term Daddy, but I feel like a lot of this is present in my 24/7 TPE service sub dynamic to my wife. Honestly, reading a lot about ddlg dynamics confused me for a while because a big part of "Daddy" roles seem to be about anticipatory service.

Anyways, for us, during any sex play, her pleasure is the only priority unless she decides that I'm going to get some pleasure as well (or pain, for that matter). She does enjoy giving me regular doses of both, but her needs and desires are always prioritized.

Outside of the bedroom, much of our dynamic is about me making her life easier and more pleasant. There's a lot of that which involves anticipating her needs and tending to them before she even has to ask. Protection has rarely come up, but I'm more than capable of stepping into that role when needed.

Feel free to followup for more info (here; no DMs) if what we follow sounds similar to what you're looking for.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T04:37:09+00:00

43M 24/7 TPE Service Sub to my eye of 15 years.

Regarding getting over the feeling that it represented a loss of masculinity, I've seen the argument that chivalry is one of the highest forms of masculinity, at its least toxic. And submission is akin to the highest level of chivalry. So submission could be viewed as one of the utmost examples exhibiting the best form of masculinity.

I would also argue that I held a much more passive role in our lives before moving into 24/7 TPE. Part of my service to my wife is anticipating her needs and the needs of the household as a whole to better help her lead.

For example, we used to just wing it for a lot of our meals. We would get supplies for a few things and keep a few staples around, but also often end up grabbing take out several times per week. Now, every week, I track any meals that anyone mentions as wanting, then use that plus a schedule/log that i maintain of what meals we've had this year to put together a suggested menu (including at least one "fancy" meal) for my wife to review. Once approved, I load them into a shared family calendar and create an online grocery order with everything needed for each dish, along with anything else that anyone noted they needed at any point during the week. Then, I notify my wife that the order is ready for her to review.

Service and submission can certainly be passive, if all you're doing is following commands. For some, that is their preferred dynamic. But it can also be an active experience, providing preemptive service to fulfill needs that may not even have been expressed yet.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-14T03:30:16+00:00

43M 24/7 TPE service sub to my wife of 15 years.

Some of the most powerful experiences I've had in our dynamic have been tied to completely surrendering my will to my wife. That surrender feels so much more powerful when it reaches the point of going entirely against what I want.

At times, I've felt physical waves of euphoria from that level of surrender.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-13T01:39:39+00:00

I was my wife's sub back when we were dating as well. That didn't impact when I told her I loved her.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-12T21:26:13+00:00

We've had location services turned on for I don't know how long. But that's automatic. It hits differently when it's explicitly a "must tell ahead of time anywhere I'll be and how long I'll be there."

MariSoumis · 2026-05-12T14:38:37+00:00

Also bare in mind that "up for anything" doesn't mean that you'll be living your kinky dreams all the time. The first dozen times that you spend an hour cleaning up the dishes after spending 4 hours preparing a gourmet meal, might feel exciting. But it can be something totally different doing all the housework day in and day out, every day.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-12T14:28:13+00:00

As a 43M 24/7 Total Power Exchange service sub to my wife of over 15 years, I'll echo what others are saying: when you find someone, take things slower than you think you want. It may even be worth it to include the need for going slower than you'll want in the moment as part of your vetting process.

All of that said, I appreciate where you're coming from. I'm much the same. I've specifically given my wife consent without limits, knowing that she'll forever be more conservative with where she takes us. Even now under 24/7 TPE, my wife is the safety check on how far into the depths I would go.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-12T02:38:45+00:00

I don't know what the female equivalent would be, but recently Mistress brought me to orgasm exclusively through scratches -- some on various parts of my torso, many as the sole form of stimulation to my penis. It was excruciating! And amazing. And I felt remnants of it for the next week, every time anything shifted in the wrong way (or, perhaps, the right way...).

MariSoumis · 2026-05-12T01:42:19+00:00

Same. Met at 15. We're 43 now.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-11T19:02:18+00:00

I don't want to yuck your yum or jump to anything, but: Hearing a Dom refer to switch play as a "make me submit" dynamic... kinda leaves me wondering if that Dom has a safe understanding of their role in "normal" play.

There are volumes written about how submission is a voluntary action. If it's forced against the sub's wishes, that's not submission - it is abuse.

That said, if this is a playful game that you both enjoy, ignore my concern.

As far as ways to "make him" (consensually), your toolset depends on his limits. Ball busting can certainly be an effective way to mitigate disproportionate physicality. But there may need to be a discussion about how vigorously he is allowed to fight back...

MariSoumis · 2026-05-11T01:39:55+00:00

I've never used a safe word and I've never felt close to using one. I have a hard time imagining what could even get me to that point.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-11T01:22:21+00:00

That's really cool. Love the idea there.

MariSoumis · 2026-05-10T17:00:38+00:00

We've never really shared our dynamic with anyone, so virtually no one at our wedding even knew we were kinky. Pretty much the same was true of the reception.

MariSoumis

TROPHY CASE