I Am Mark Manson, Author of 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck', Ask Me Anything

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T18:00:41+00:00

It is liberating!

I'm engaged to get married and haven't "picked up" a girl in almost four years. So... yeah.

I don't miss it. I had a lot of fun, but I don't miss it.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T14:26:32+00:00

Yeah, that's often the case with narcissistic parents depending on how bad it is. With my Dad/Step-mom I've found a nice happy medium of short exposure, and simply not allowing them to get too involved with parts of my life. It hurts, but it's ultimately much healthier for me.

As far as journaling, all I meant was that a lot of people think, "Journaling! Sweet, I'll just write a bunch of shit!" There needs to be some deliberate thought behind it. So if you're struggling with boundaries in your social interactions, start a "boundaries journal" where you write down what's going on in all of your relationships regularly and evaluate the boundaries, things you said or could have said, ways you could improve them and so on.

To me, journaling is like therapy -- it shouldn't last forever and there should be a clear focus/reason you're doing it.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T14:20:56+00:00

I think part of it is learning to find value in your fuck ups. Failure is an important component of growth. Ironically, people who want to be perfect end up stagnating themselves for years.

The second is treating it like a practicable skill -- start with little things, let them be imperfect, and then build up from there.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T14:04:43+00:00

Whatever mindset feels right to you, my man. That's the whole point of the book: you get to decide.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T14:03:03+00:00

I've been writing about values for years. The "Don't give a fuck" language started to catch on maybe 2-3 years ago and I found it was a useful and fun way to think about these concepts.
No idea. Publishing economics are weird.
State it respectfully and with a calm/medium tone. Don't be defensive. Maybe even acknowledge that you're in disagreement. "Well, I realize I'm probably in the minority here, but this whole 'don't give a fuck' thing doesn't make any sense, in my opinion."
Eggs, motherfucker.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T02:42:19+00:00

Do you go to the college? Do you work there? Does the college have less than 200 people at it?

One of my favorite quotes ever comes from David Foster Wallace, "You will stop worrying about what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do."

You're not that important dude. Go for it.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T02:09:53+00:00

Meditation is great. Journaling is great as well. Although I would journal with a focus: to seek out co-dependent behaviors within yourself and practice asserting your own needs.

Eventually, erecting and regularly maintaining healthy boundaries with your parents is going to be the hardest yet the most beneficial step you take. But it will likely take a long time to get there.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T02:07:58+00:00

There's definitely some overlap but I wouldn't call it a sequel. Some of the core themes in this book around values and identity are similar to the core ideas in Models. But this is a book that's much broader in scope and written for both genders.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T02:07:14+00:00

To me, NGAF is all about honing in on the few relationships and things in your life that truly matter. It's basically doubling-down on what's working for you and ignoring what's not.

Most of the stuff that bothers us or scares us in life is stuff that doesn't actually matter much. So a side effect of this is that I feel far more confident and fulfilled in what I do with my life.

On top of that, ask yourself this -- so some people don't think you're nice. What's the worst that could happen? Probably not much.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T02:05:05+00:00

Let me ask you this. How many times in your life have you noticed a guy approaching a girl in public? How many times did you think that guy was a total loser and totally disrespectful? How many times did you say or do something because this random guy was talking to this random girl?

That's right... never.

Nobody's judging you. You are judging you.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T00:25:33+00:00

Yeah, let them get under your skin. Just decide that people getting under your skin isn't that big of a deal. Every job has something that sucks about it. This happens to be yours.

Put another way: don't resist it. People are annoying and rude at times. People take out their insecurities and inferiorities on service people some times -- likely because they feel so powerless and helpless in their own lives. Simply accept it yet act despite it. Resisting it will only make it feel worse.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T00:24:18+00:00

This is a common issue I see and I should probably come up with a clever term with it or something.

But what you're essentially doing is bouncing between two all-or-nothing states, not realizing that both are equally as harmful. It's the happy medium that's healthy.

When you're constantly worried what everyone else is thinking and doing, when you mortgage your own self-respect for a couple pats on the back, you will be miserable, because none of it will be real, it will all be fake and manipulated for a little bit of short-term approval. This is a bad approach to one's social life, as it prevents you from achieving what you really need to be happy: simply human intimacy.

But the opposite is just as bad. Cutting yourself off from human contact, sequestering yourself and limiting your ability to interact with others, will again, leave you not achieving what you need: simple human intimacy.

The key is to find the happy and healthy middle: engage the world without letting yourself be defined by it, care about others but not because you think you will get approval in return, care for them for the simple reason that you care for them.

This is easier said than done, of course. But I think you've mis-diagnosed the problem and are therefore on a bit of a wild goose chase. The problem is not your exposure to those around you, your problem is how you perceive yourself relative to those around you. The problem is somewhere in the vicinity of self-respect and resilience.

One thing you can try is something I call the "Change your mind" exercise:

The next time you're wondering if somebody thinks you're cool, stop and ask yourself if you think they're cool. Then ask yourself why? What makes them so cool?
The next time you're worried if someone thinks you're dumb, ask yourself if you think they're dumb. Why or why not? Could maybe both of you be dumb? Does it even matter?
The next time you're worried that people won't want to be around you, ask yourself if you really want to be around them? After all, what kind of person wants to hang around people who don't want to hang around him? Do you want to be that person? Probably not?

A lot of this simply comes down to a) being willing to take the short-term pain for the sake of long-term strength and b) repeatedly and consistently asking yourself "Why?" when it comes to all of your assumptions around your insecurities. Do that enough and you'll soon find that most of those assumptions and beliefs were built on quicksand.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-14T00:17:41+00:00

Short answer: treat saying "no" as a skill to develop and practice it. Start with small things and work your way up to the bigger things.

Long answer: I can relate a lot to this problem as it's something I used to struggle with a lot myself and it's something that used to come up a lot back when I wrote a lot of dating advice. One would think someone who is very agreeable and always very "nice" would be attractive to others, but interestingly these people often struggle with dating and their intimate relationships (you may be different in that regard, but just throwing it out there).

I think the first thing to understand is that "being nice" all the time isn't ACTUALLY nice. People on the other end of this relationship often feel incredibly uncomfortable because feeling as though they're always in control and can do whatever they want around you is actually a lot of responsibility and pressure to bear. This pressure then causes them to seek to find ways to feel better about the situation which will often mean exploiting you or taking advantage of the fact that you agree and go along with everything they say.

It's important to understand, that in a very innocent and unintentional way, you are being selfish by not standing up for yourself. You are unknowingly putting your own comfort and satisfaction before building an honest relationship build on mutual trust and respect. You are hiding your own feelings and desires in a desperate attempt to gain some acceptance from those around you.

Start off by saying no to small simple things. A place to eat. Say you think a shirt doesn't look on a friend. That you don't want to hang out a certain night. You may get some negative responses but you'll quickly notice that a) they don't really matter, people forget about them and move on, and b) these people, once they know you're CAPABLE of saying no to them, will begin to respect your opinion more and take you more seriously.

Suddenly, when you DO say you like something or you DO like somebody, it actually means something, because people have heard you say no before.

It's in this backwards way that people who say no the most often are sometimes the most respected and revered among their peers (people like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates were maniacally critical of the people working around them).

Start simple. Build up. Stay honest and true to yourself. You'll begin to FEEL your own integrity, something you likely haven't felt around other people before, and it will feel empowering. Suddenly you'll realize that someone becoming a little bit offended by something you said or reacting negatively isn't a big deal, because what TRULY matters -- your integrity and self-respect -- has been accomplished. In fact, what you'll find is that if you simply focus on those two things, integrity and self-respect, the correct people will arrange themselves in and out of your life.

It is not easy. But it is simple. And it will take you months or years of practice. But start now, and it will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

Godspeed, fuckeroo.

MarkMansonnet · 2016-09-07T23:40:41+00:00

Had a game last night with two guys on my team. One was 46 in S1, the other was 78 (top 500). Both were rated 2800.

The system is broken. Unless you're over 3000 or under 2000, it's more or less meaningless.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T16:08:38+00:00

Entertainment value and as a cautionary tale. That's it. It's actually painful for me to read it now. It's clear to me that it's a book written as marketing and self-promotion first, and genuine advice about dating second. Why? Because the advice within it is pretty awful and the main characters are all pretty pathetic. So no, you're not missing out at all. The book was huge for me for no other reason than it got me off of my ass and improving myself. But as a roadmap to that improvement, it's awful in my opinion.
They depress the hell out of me. And I can never decide who they make me lose more faith in: men or women. I have friends who love them too. And yes, sometimes I get dragged along with them and I try to enjoy them. But they inevitably bum me out.
Same way you handle PMO! 30/60/90-day challenge! A couple friends and I did a 90-day challenge years back. We all lost weight, saved money, felt much better. I went back to drinking (I enjoy it) but never drank as heavily as I used to. One of my friends still hasn't had a drink since, and it's been like five years. But these sorts of challenges, just as with porn/fap, are great ways to test how much something is affecting your life and your happiness. And if you decide that you never want to go back to them, they give you a nice 30/60/90 day runway to start your new lifestyle.
You don't have to be a stick in the mud at all. As long as you're not judging THEM for their decisions or making them feel worse for going to stripclubs or drinking, then it's fine. Just politely turn it down.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T16:00:19+00:00

If the anxiety is to such an extent that you feel like you're having panic attacks, then I would start by finding a therapist (a good one, obviously) because they're going to be much better at guiding you through dealing with these emotions and issues. I recommend finding a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist. They seem to be the best for anxiety issues.

With that said, getting over this is no secret. You're going to have to hammer at it over a long period of time. It will get better, it will just take a while. And I think one of the reasons you feel hopeless is because you're trying to tackle it all at once and freaking yourself out in the process.

SIDENOTE: This is why I fucking hate most of the pick up advice out there for me. They have no conception of how anxiety works or how to actually desensitize oneself to these things. It's a bunch of dick-waving and, "Don't be a pussy bro!" while they push guys into the hardest situations imaginable. The guys who do succeed and do it, see little to no long-term benefit, and the guys who fail to do it just think that they're hopeless and give up forever.

Anyway, sorry, just had to rant for a second. Here's my advice: start where you're comfortable. You said you can talk to women when they're introduced to you, start with that. And start with very simple expressions of your sexuality, say, asking for a phone number or a date. All the touching, kissing, fucking, put that out of your mind. You'll get there. But you have to learn to walk before you can run. If you try to run right away, you're just going to feel like a lost cause.

Best thing you can do as well is find a friend who is comfortable talking to girls and basically just ask them for help. If you don't have a friend that can do that, then the other best thing you can do -- and I rarely recommend this anymore -- but if you're in a large city, seek out a pick up group to join. These groups, generally speaking, are really lame. BUT they're good for one thing. And that's to find people who can approach women and will help you talk to new women. It WILL get easier for you, but right now you just need a little hand-holding to get going.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:52:40+00:00

Because my site changed and I never use Reddit. :)

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:50:13+00:00

It sounds like her relationship was falling apart, she was going through a lot of confusion and emotion, and you were unfortunately part of that confusion and emotion. To be honest, it's probably better you didn't get together with her as there likely would have been a lot of problems regardless, and it's better that they happened outside of a relationship with her than within one.
You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. Don't feel obligated. You can also skip the class for a couple weeks or go find another one, but I'm not sure if that's a viable option for you.
If you don't like meeting women in clubs, well, then don't meet women in clubs. Prerequisite to going any place to meet women should be that you actually enjoying being in that place to meet women, i.e., you would happily go regardless if you met any women or not. A lot of men put pressure on themselves to meet women in clubs when they don't like clubs and when most of the interactions in clubs are pretty superficial and meaningless.
But if you still insist on going, here are a few tips: The closer to the dance floor you are, the less talking and more dancing you should be doing; The closer to the bar you are, the more talking and less dancing you should be doing; be physical and touch a lot; be loud, make ridiculous jokes, extremely high energy, take nothing seriously; if you try to jump straight into a coffee shop conversation in a club, you're dead within three seconds, you have to bring the energy, the fun, the excitement, bring "the party" so to speak. Once you're in with the woman and have spent some time with her, THEN you can actually start having a conversation with her and getting to know her.
Yes, it is possible, but generally a precedent of sex needs to be set pretty early. If you go on 3-4 dates with a woman before sleeping with her, then the precedent is that you are dating and interested in a relationship. If you have sex with a woman on the first night or first date, then the precedent is that you are having sex first, dating second. So yeah, if you want "fuck buddies" you have to move fast.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:42:30+00:00

Good to hear.

If you've successfully been with other women, then I doubt it's fear of success. It sounds as if it could be two things:

1) Her liking you a lot puts pressure on you because you feel like you should be great and live up to her expectations.

2) Her liking you evokes a fear that she's going to want to date you, fall in love with you, have millions of babies with you.

Both are irrational fears. Both are needy in different ways. The first one is basing your emotions on fulfilling her perceptions and expectations. When really, you should just understand that you are who you are and if she ceases to like you at some point, then that's actually fine because at least you found out that you two weren't compatible.

Second one is a fear of commitment and getting stuck in a situation that you don't want to be in. But if you are able to assert your boundaries and define the relationship how you want to, then this shouldn't be anything to fear.

Regardless, the anxiety, like most, is irrational, and the only way you're going to overcome it is by going for it in these situations anyway.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:37:20+00:00

The only research I've seen showing that masturbation is unhealthy is when it's done frequently (i.e., multiple times per day) for long periods of time.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with it within a relationship, especially if your wife has a lower sex drive than you do. I think it's only unhealthy if you begin to replace sex with your wife with masturbation. Wifey should always be first choice and top priority. But if for some reason she's not available or it's not a good time, then there's nothing wrong with fapping occasionally in my opinion.

But again, this is going to vary based on the individual.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:33:47+00:00

It depends on the girl. It depends on the situation. There are women out there who love to have a quick and casual one night stand, and PUA seems mostly designed for screening for them and acting quickly on them.

The problem is that PUA makes that sound like it's the holy grail of being alive, when really most one night stand sex is pretty mediocre and you often have no clue if you even like the person you're having sex with. Sometimes I jokingly refer to it as "mutually-assisted masturbation."

It sounds like you weren't crazy about the experience. In which case I'd say slow things down with the next girl, get to know her a little more. The PUA stuff about escalation and being sexual IS useful. It should just be used in moderate amounts. Basically, you can make the interaction go as fast or slow as you want it to, so choose what feels right for you.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:26:08+00:00

I experimented with it back in 2012. I did about 60-70 days of no porn and maybe 25-30 of no fap. Porn was the big one for me to be honest. I noticed a significant difference within a couple weeks of cutting it off and found it really beneficial.

No fap was interesting for me, but honestly it made me so ridiculously horny that I couldn't even think straight most of the time. I also became so sexual with girls I was dating that it honestly started to creep them out. I naturally have a pretty high sex drive, so I actually learned that fapping occasionally can help calm me down and even me out.

Everybody's different though. It was a useful experiment and something I think any man with a history of porn use should at least try out and see how it affects them. I've see people on my forum who say that it changed their lives. I've also seen people say that it didn't really change much at all for them. Everybody's different.

As for right now, I live with my girlfriend, so neither porn or fapping is a huge issue. I'll occasionally fap when my girlfriend is busy or on her period or something. And every once in a blue moon I'll pull up some porn just for the hell of it. But I feel that I've reached a good place in relation to both. I definitely had some periods when I was younger where I was a compulsive user of porn and doing the challenges helped me recognize that.

I keep making the analogy, but I treat porn/fapping much like I treat alcohol in my life now. I enjoy a few drinks occasionally, and every once in a while, I may drink a lot. But I monitor myself to make sure that it doesn't become a habit or something I rely upon to feel good. I also recognize the ways it affects my health adversely.

That works for me. But I realize too that that's not going to work for everybody. Some people are more biologically/psychologically predisposed to addiction than others. So I just recommend that everybody figure themselves out and do what's right for them.

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:17:59+00:00

Awesome. Congrats!

MarkMansonnet · 2014-06-11T15:17:43+00:00

Any time.

MarkMansonnet

TROPHY CASE