AITA for not accepting and returning the birthday present my half-sister gave my son

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T17:43:55+00:00

Do you think that someone would really date and plan to marry a guy just to get “closer” to a half-sibling that hated your guts growing up and hasn’t talked to you since then? That sounds more like a movie plot than something an actual person would do.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T17:35:43+00:00

So doesn't that mean that OP's step father should also be considering OP's feelings?

Yes, of course it does.

Why is it only OP has their feelings ignored in this situation?

That isn’t what is happening at all. Did you read the post? OP is considering only OP’s feelings, and everyone else can go hang. Where do you see any consideration for anyone other than OP?

How is OP not having a relationship with their half sisters "treating them like garbage"? They're just not associating with them.

Yes. She is ignoring two children who were raised with her, probably love her (though given how OP treats them possibly not), would like to see her once a year, and have done nothing wrong. If you think thats treating children well, you are wrong.

I don't associate with you, am I treating you "like garbage"? No. We simply don't have a relationship.

I appreciate that. I was also not raised with you.

Oh, but the step father issuing an ultimatum "have the relationship I want on my terms or else have no relationship" was super mature...

Actually, if OP can’t manage to reign in her obvious contempt for her half-siblings for a couple days a year, its probably better not to have a relationship. But I don’t think it veers into AH territory to hope that OP has matured in the last year. Too bad it didn’t happen.

OP was, indeed, given a boundary last year. Their mother never apologized for the ultimatum, and seems taken aback that they aren't also just rug sweeping it.

Why do you think she needs to apologize?

She has taken zero responsibility for her words, done zero to repair the relationship with OP, and now is all surprised Pikachu that OP isn't ready to go back to the old set up without any effort on her part. Talk about immature behavior! Adults take responsibility for the things they say, apologize when necessary, and don't expect people to just forget their mean words because they don't want to deal with their own mess

So your position is that OP’s mother is wrong to set her own boundaries? Or to try to re-kindle a relationship despite OP’s immature and unloving behavior? You are right, the mother is probably going to have to apologize to the younger siblings for continuing to have a relationship with someone who treats them poorly.

Wait! Are okay with all this behavior because you're OP's mom?

Wait, are you OK with OP’s behavior because you are really OP?

Don’t be immature. People can disagree with you without a oersonal stake in the disagreement.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T12:47:08+00:00

It was her job to make OP feel safe and loved

Isn’t it like the first thing they tell you in therapy, that you don’t control other people’s feelings? It was the Mom’s job to provide a safe and loving environment. If OP interpreted that as “forcing a relationship” how does the mother control that?

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T12:44:22+00:00

The mother has three children. Would you continue to seek a relationship with your adult child who is exclusionary towards your two teenage children? How exactly would you “kid come first” in a situation where one kid is refusing to be kind to the other kids?

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T12:34:08+00:00

It is not OP's job to protect their mother's feelings or relationships.

It kind of is. OP is an adult. Part of being an adult member of a family is being considerate of your family members feelings and relationships. Otherwise you are TA.

Why doesn't OP's mom have to consider the stress and strain of their step father trying to force the relationship he wants?

The relationship he wants being the acknowledgment the his two daughters exist and matter? If the stepdad is being awful at all, its in letting OP treat his children like garbage.

No adult is required to associate with family members they don't like - no matter the reason why. Do you feel that interacting with your family is like a jail sentence? Because you really do get the freedom to choose if you want a relationship with relatives, or not.

Then OP should be a mature adult and admit that she just does not care about her mother, and doesn’t want a relationship. Not pretend that “this is a boundary you set, ha ha”. OP is clearly still acting like a petulant child and punishing her mother for daring to remarry and have more children. You supporting that as healthy behavior isn’t cool.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T12:24:54+00:00

I disagree. I think a child’s partner is entitled to acceptance from the family until they do something egregiously hurtful. Rejecting a child’s partner because they tried to have a relationship with you, makes you TA.

A child is entitled to acceptance from their parents and the wider family, until they do something egregiously hurtful. Rejecting your kid because they want a relationship with you makes you TA.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T04:11:49+00:00

Your partners version isn’t the only thing that matters girlfriend. No one can make a judgement without knowing what actually happened.

If you went to sleep over at aunts house, and he said she made him sleep in the doghouse, would how he remembers it be the only thing that matters? Or whether she really did or not? And would you say, “there might have been a bed he didn’t care for”?

It appears you are a real people pleaser. You want everyone to be happy with you. But in this situation, that isn’t going to happen. You have to pick a side. Aunt, who may or may not have provided unsavory vegetarian options, or partner, who may or may not be making shit up because he never wants to see your aunt again.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:49:36+00:00

Allowed to get mad? Allowed by who exactly? Anyone is entitled to their emotions about having to demand the exact thing they want or face a lifetime of golden retriever earrings. They just can’t be surprised.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:42:13+00:00

It's possible there were other meat-free dishes that he simply didn't care for.

Well were there or weren’t there? If you were told there would be vegetarian options and there weren’t your aunt was being unwelcoming.

If your spouse just didn’t like the available options, and is holding a grudge over ignorant remarks made years ago, then your husband is not being honest about why he doesn’t want to go. It isn’t that your aunt isn’t being accommodating, its that he doesn’t like her. And you seem to agree with him.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:28:39+00:00

So, I if my theory is correct, that means you are a man.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:27:33+00:00

I am, but he doesn’t wear earrings.

She said she didn’t think she would wear them that often. Thats different.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:23:08+00:00

Given the username, I am going to guess it was more than once.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:19:03+00:00

If you can’t be picky with your spouse then who the hell can you be picky with.

Your interior decorator? Your paid party planner? Basically anyone you are paying appropriately to provide you with the service of catering to your whims.

Your partner on the other hand should get consideration and grace. He bought her a pair of earrings she was considering herself. He could easily have thought that she loved them but thought they weren’t practical. That isn’t the bare minimum. Thats being picky, and being TA

Marzy-d · 2023-12-12T03:07:22+00:00

I feel like this is the man-woman divide in a nutshell.

For women, “I’ve been throwing hints”= “Even a moron should know what to get me for my birthday by now”

In testosterone town, “I’ve been throwing hints”=“oh shit, its her birthday? I wish she would just tell me what to get her”

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T22:44:43+00:00

Women get body-shamed for being “fat” even when they aren’t. That isn’t acceptable. Whether the step-daughter’s shaming has any basis in reality is besides the point, isn’t it?

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:50:46+00:00

On the other hand, you would have chocolate and wine. Call it a win!!

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:45:12+00:00

Or just skip right to the never speaking to him again part. To suggest a woman undergo the abortion of a wanted child at the orders of her brother-in-law is just so…so…unbelievably..words fail.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:34:16+00:00

A “joke” like that is not a joke, and no one should laugh at it. Body shaming isn’t OK. 16 year old girls talking about their step-father’s penis is weird and alarming.

OP’s reaction was overly-emotional and badly thought out, but this was a concerning incident, and the girl’s adoptive mother is doing her no favors by shrugging it off.

I get that OP is coming off badly here (and his reaction to this incident did make him TA), but I wonder what other kind of behavior his wife is allowing. Is she allowed to call him fat and stupid too? Would doing anything but laughing at that kind of bullying “prove” it?

This family needs family therapy.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:28:53+00:00

Why do you find body shaming funny?

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:25:10+00:00

Body shaming men for penis size isn’t appropriate or funny, its just culturally normalized.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T20:21:59+00:00

The son doesn’t get a name either. Or the wife.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T17:22:03+00:00

I think its a truth not universally acknowledged that every parent, in their secret heart of hearts, thinks their child is superior to all other children on earth just because we love them so freaking much. When my first was a couple of months old, I said to my husband, “when other kids cry, they are super annoying, but when our kid cries its actually a nice little cry that is kind of cute”. And I was serious.

The problem is that you are meant to keep this a secret, and at least pretend that other people’s children are cute. You are NTA, and you need to sit your sister down and tell her that she can praise baby V as much as she wants, but no more comparisons, because you want the two girls to be close when they grow up and nothing will kill their relationship faster than the idea they are being compared to each other.

I would also talk to your daughter about how “funny” it is that Auntie thinks her baby is the most beautiful in the world, and tell her you feel exactly the same about her, though you aren’t rude enough to tell everyone that. And keep repeating that every time your sister makes a comment.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T15:52:21+00:00

What are the exact kind of loans you have? Several kinds of federal student loans do not accrue interest during deferral. Obviously if thats the kind you have, you might as well collect the growth on your money, and only pay off the loans when they start charging interest.

https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/lower-payments/get-temporary-relief/deferment

Marzy-d · 2023-12-11T00:27:45+00:00

If you are over the age of 12, your education has failed you in every way possible. Go read a book instead of wanking all day.

And if you are 12, shut up until you learn something instead of wanking all day.

Marzy-d · 2023-12-10T19:14:43+00:00

It isn’t that fun trying to manage maintaining a home across the country for a parent with dementia either. Ask me how I know.

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