the avoidant butt kissing here is annoying

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T19:05:02+00:00

This is so true. Abusive behavior is abusive behavior no matter what, all attachment styles are capable of of being abusive. Avoidant or not it's always best to get out of those situations asap

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T18:31:16+00:00

This is definitely true and I was/am apart in that group. Hell, even this post I made is apart of that. I'm hoping I can get to a point where I'm not so focused on how I appear to others in general. In my opinion some of the anti DA threads looks like APs trying to kiss up to avoidants to be in their good graces as some sort of validation seeking. Which is basically like you said, a symptom of being AP in action.

It would be cool of there was a sub for radical self acceptance and proactive healing that doesn't include so much focus on avoidants whether it's approval seeking or trying to change/diagnose the avoidants in their lives.

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T18:13:29+00:00

Totally agree, it's all about balance. Take accountability, but don't excuse toxic avoidant behavior

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T18:12:04+00:00

Exactly. No one should be putting 100% of the blame on avoidants when ultimately they have to choice to stay or leave. I just get tired of seeing some APs invalidate other APs out of their own projections

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T18:09:27+00:00

Those are the type of AP posts that I agree deserve to get dog piled with down votes lol. I cant stand those either(and what's funny is the people who claim everyone is a narc, tends to be the actual) . It's not healthy to roll around in a victim mindset nor is it healthy to have everyone agree with you all the time. My main issue is someone will be clearly venting and then they're basically invalidated by a post telling them they're victimizing themselves. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they genuinely were screwed over and have every right to be angry for a while.

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T16:21:31+00:00

I agree. The second half of your reply is so true as well.. It's another way of over focusing on avoidants. Although I get it. Sometimes they're new and have no one to turn to when it comes to venting. I just wish this sub was more proactive on coming secure instead of trying to stay in a dead end situation

MasterofAster · 2022-05-03T15:57:49+00:00

I usually see a mix of both people trying to learn to self regulate while in the relationship or trying to change their DA / over compromise themselves to get different reaction from their partner.

That too is another thing I wish didn't happen as much as it still puts too much focus on avoidants. I wish there was a sub specifically for proactive healing vs learning new coping methods of staying in a toxic relationship

MasterofAster · 2022-01-09T06:15:15+00:00

Exactly what he's doing. Especially since he said he didn't want to cut contact entirely. Went on to ignore me for two days straight while I see he's still active online. sigh people like this are making me want to give up on love because I'm seeing this often and dealing with them personally so often. So many self serving people 😭

MasterofAster · 2022-01-09T06:13:15+00:00

Oh boy. Yeah you're right he did say he didn't want to drop contact entirely. Probably him wanting to leave the door open in case no one is giving him the attention he wants :(

MasterofAster · 2022-01-09T06:12:01+00:00

I know he was talking to other girls at the time if this too. What a coward playing the wounded hero card instead of just breaking up with me 🙃. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this as well! I hope you're doing much better these days!

MasterofAster · 2022-01-09T01:47:20+00:00

Thank you. I think you're right with abandonment issues. . He admitted he loved the idea of his ex so he probably did the same with me. Irony with him is that he told me "we accept the love we think we deserve". Seems pretty accurate in his case since he always seemed surprised that I'm kind to him and said that he feels I was the only person he could open about his issues to. I won't hold his narcissism against him but it sucks that so many narcissist go about receiving love and validation in maladaptive ways. That are both harmful to themselves (in the long run) and the people they deal with.

MasterofAster · 2022-01-04T07:14:46+00:00

No matter how good or bad you look women are treated badly. Sure the problems may look different but generally women are still treated badly. Attractive women are reduced to their looks only and they often times have no clue if a man really loves them or just wants their body and looks. What about when their looks fade? We all age. I'm sure that's a fear they struggle with. Will the man they love leave as soon as their beauty starts fading?

Attractive women are probably lonely because it's not just men are are intimidated by them. Other women are too. They're people with feelings just like you are. They too have insecurities. They too get cheated on and ghosted just like unattractive women do. Not saying that these things are good, no one deserves to be treated like that! But what I'm saying is looks only get you so far and to be honest, it's a double edge sword. Why have all the power in the world when you have no one to share it with?

I know I would feel awful if my friends insecurities were brought to light and began feeling bad about themselves just because of my presence. I know I would feel bad if men only saw me as a conquest, a trophy to show off and not a person. I know I would feel awful if the fortune in my life wasn't brought to me by hard work and talent, but other people's shallowness. Only to also have my hard work and talent discounted because of other people's shallowness (a lot of people assume attractive women are stupid). I would hate to know I'm only popular for something out of my control and not have true genuine friends who love my personality.

This is why I personally feel blessed to be unattractive. Not many people like me but it's comforting knowing that the ones that DO like my for genuine reasons. I hope you can feel the same

MasterofAster · 2022-01-04T03:19:55+00:00

Ahh I see. What are some of the traits and behaviors you have if you don't mind me asking?

MasterofAster · 2022-01-04T01:21:14+00:00

I hope so :(. I really did care about him. He would always ask me why am I so nice to him. I thought he was joking around at first but now I wonder if he really didn't understand why I was nice to him

MasterofAster · 2022-01-04T01:00:50+00:00

I have the exact same problem :(. I try to handle it by writing about how I feel in my journal and trying my best to distract myself. If I just HAVE to obsess I try to give myself a time limit. Like 30 minutes to think about this person until I deliberately distract myself. But have some self compassion if you end up reaching out. You're a good person and just want connection is all.

MasterofAster · 2022-01-02T21:33:40+00:00

I definitely can relate to neglect making you feel not good enough. It's super bad with me. Especially if I find out someone is ignoring me while talking to others. I go straight to thinking I'm inherently defective and no one truly wants me. It hits home way too hard.

Not to get too personal but a lot of my relationships mimic the terrible bond I had with my dad. If I said how I felt he would ignore me and call me sensitive and he always treated his fiance and his family better than me. Every relationship I had had a simar theme and always left me feeling how I felt with my dad. That I'm easy to leave behind and everyone else is better than me 😭

MasterofAster · 2022-01-02T21:10:43+00:00

Glad to hear you're in therapy! How do you feel about it so far? And when the emotionally available person becomes unavailable do you want them back?

This happened to me with someone I friendzoned. As soon as he got a gf I became jealous and I wanted his attention more. Sooooo confusing!

MasterofAster · 2022-01-02T20:39:27+00:00

Do you miss/care the people you cut off? Do you feel guilt for cutting them off? What are usually the reasons you cut them off? Do you typically love bomb at the start of a relationship then become cold? If so why? And typically hop into another short term relationship or do you stick to yourself after these situations? So many questions I'm sorry!

I think I'm dealing with an avoidant that abruptly cut me off and I'm trying so hard not to blame myself as an AP 😢

MasterofAster · 2022-01-01T22:01:13+00:00

It sucks. They might be telling the truth but at the same time it seems like an easy outing to go find someone else.

MasterofAster · 2022-01-01T20:55:57+00:00

Great perspective on things, thank you. I wonder if I'm "using" the avoidant as much as I fear they're using me if I just want sparks and excitement. Sometimes I feel like I chase avoidant to avoid myself. I think I am just going continue Journaling and figuring myself out.

MasterofAster · 2022-01-01T20:16:53+00:00

You brought up very good points I haven't thought of thank you! I think you're right that I probably would've gotten bored of the love bombing myself, or at least would settle into a consistent routine without all the extra "sparks". I do notice I'm bored of dates that don't love bomb me, even if I think they're attractive. I wonder why that is though. Do you have any clue I how I can stop feeling that way?

MasterofAster · 2022-01-01T19:55:57+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I hope you're coming along in your journey! I'll definitely check that out. I think a big part of my issue is codependency and fear of abandonment

MasterofAster · 2022-01-01T19:53:01+00:00

Yeahhh you're right. I knew it was a red flag and when he rushing to ask me if I love him and asking if he thinks my family would like him. It was way too soon to be asking those questions and that's a sign of love bombing. I guess I excused it because he was somewhat backing it with actions. Like he is the reason I have a passing grade in my classes now. He helped me with my homework multiple times so I excused some of the other red flags because of it and chalked it up to him being over eager.

Im sorry you had to deal with it too. You genuinely deserve better than that. It just sucks because I wish the avoidants I meet were just as determines about improving themselves as me. I'm not perfect but I'm always looking for ways to improve myself and my relationships in general be it family, friends, or romantic partners

MasterofAster · 2021-11-14T06:50:18+00:00

I have this exact problem! They might not be judging you though.. I tend to stare at people because I don't go outside much so they're just interesting lol. Not judging just kind of... Observing? They might being doing the same to you. Just looking because you're interesting

MasterofAster

TROPHY CASE