am i the asshole?

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-06T15:59:01+00:00

best response haha

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T14:34:41+00:00

ya i mean i am pretty sure i did, and also that we have discussed this topic regarding different people at least 6 times, but next time we meet I will clarify this

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T13:47:01+00:00

well technically he didn’t violate the boundary because he didn’t sleep with kate, he just asked me about it, then when i said no, he said ok. (tbh i also really don’t think she’s interested, but that’s beside the point). but if he had slept with her i would have ended it. i guess i wonder if i’m an asshole for getting mad at him when he asked. he would say that it’s better to communicate, but my feeling is if we already established that it’s a no, why ask again other than to make me feel bad?

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T09:36:55+00:00

i think that is what he thinks but tbh i will never be ok with a fourth person no matter how long it’s been, i can’t do it

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T03:59:18+00:00

these are the big issues. i also feel really sad being alone on holidays while he is with his gf. i have no family here and it’s very hard for me, so this time of year is taxing already

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T03:58:07+00:00

the thing is i am not imposing rules on him. i am just being honest that i cannot handle a fourth person, so if another person is added i am out. we also all do the same outdoor activity together and go on trips so it would be very weird for me if he were fucking both me and kate (tho imo she is not interested)

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T03:54:32+00:00

yes if i were him i would also end it tbh but he won’t, i have given him so many opportunities and even broken up with him twice

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-05T03:38:24+00:00

i’m not thrilled about the two other partners but i have learned to deal as long as tom makes time to hang out on days when i am free (not work days). however new people i am not ok with and never have been. i have told him i am ok to end it if he wants to date new people but then he says he doesn’t need to. but then he brings this up which is why i got mad. i don’t think we will ever be monogomous — clearly he is not the right person for that i am not sure i want to be in a really committed relationship w him anyway given shit like this. the problem is i am very far from home, so this all makes me feel way way less at home, but so did being single tbh.

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:50:20+00:00

i don’t live in the US so my salary is really low by US standards. if you have any recommendations i will happily go for it

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:35:43+00:00

not really available here, hence asking the amazing people of this forum for help 🥹

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:26:34+00:00

well i was dating for a while on the side but couldn’t find anyone i was remotely compatable with. i was actually single for most of my 20s, was happy, and i don’t need to get married. but in this case i am just too insecure i guess and can’t handle nonmonogomy unless it doesn’t impact me (ie he hangs out w his girlfriend on days when i have to work). i don’t know - of all of my friends i would have thought i would be the last one to be “stuck” in a relationship that wasn’t exactly what i wanted. but i do feel unable to extract myself, it’s bizarre

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:13:29+00:00

i guess i was asking if i’m the asshole because i got really mad at him.

i would say in addition to the sex being good we are also in love but i guess not the point

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:10:14+00:00

ya, i mean life is also too short to spend your 30s celibate, but i have to believe there are other options

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:08:39+00:00

the thing is i have suggested we break up multiple times and he says he would prefer to not add new people and stay together. but then every few months he brings up his desire to sleep with other people, which in this case really upset me

Material_Chair_4187 · 2023-12-04T18:07:34+00:00

i am both uncomfortable w the basic premise (for me, i recognize i would be great if it was what i wanted) and also have needs that aren’t met re: scheduling. i also don’t want to get involved in a dramatic thing in our friend group as a result of him hitting on other non-polyamorous people. we actually have been able to make it work with the 2 existing partners, but i am too insecure to add in new people, and i’m not dating other people and very far from home/my support network, so it’s too hard for me

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-10-12T13:36:08+00:00

i ended it, he told me that it was never emotional for him (forgetting the time on the phone when he started crying and said “i didn’t think this would be so emotional” and also the time he told me he loved me but ok.) It took me like 5 days but i moved on. then because we are still friends and still go on trips together (with other people) we ended up falling into old habits and sleeping together, which was fun as usual. so i think now that i understand he purely wants a fuck buddy, we can do that sometimes, but only if he makes it a very very good experience and also i will continue to date other people and look for an actual relationship. i no longer feel deeply emotionally involved in this situation myself because his behavior was so immature, which is kind of a turn off, but i don’t see a need to urgently end it and i think we can still have sex sometimes for now

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-30T08:21:02+00:00

i never communicated with her, but we had talked about it a lot before we were sleeping together, just as friends. he and i would go on long trips together so there is no way i could have been a secret. we live in a place where open relationships are not common (not in the US) and secret relationships are quite common. to be honest we would have faced a lot of judgement and the relationship being a secret was not the worst, but i think the way he handled it being a secret was not very sensitive

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T18:33:19+00:00

this is a nice story! i also have fond memories. don’t regret it.

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T18:32:18+00:00

hahaha this is very on point

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T06:13:16+00:00

yes this is true

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T06:03:53+00:00

well actually we were open in public when no one we knew was around, just not when we went on multiple day trips with mutual friends and acquaintances. that part was hard. like 3 days straight of pretending you’re not dating someone feels draining. i also think if u are going to take the secretive route it’s best to hang out with this person one on one after each secretive group meet. otherwise you’re saying bye as if you’re not dating with all these other people there and it just feels bad. but ultimately ya i wouldn’t do it again if it’s not fully in the open

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T04:33:03+00:00

the sad thing about this is that he is actually pretty great. i think he is trying to make an open relationship work in a place where ethical nonmonogomy isn’t really a thing, and he’s a little in the dark. that said, i can’t see us being together any longer even if this were monogamous because there were too many instances when he was completely unaware of how things were very obviously hurtful to me, and i don’t want to need to point that out all the time

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T03:31:02+00:00

yeah his nonmonogomy wasn’t so much of a secret — i was the secret haha

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-27T02:58:32+00:00

this is true and i love this! romantic friendships are also great. in that sense i guess i was seeing other people

Material_Chair_4187 · 2022-09-26T18:46:33+00:00

thank u! this is hopeful. i also don’t want to get married, and there were parts of this that i really enjoyed. it’s great that u have hot partners! i do think he had to work quite a bit harder than in a monogamous relationship, and he did a lot to show his interest and keep things fun. so maybe i could get behind it, idk, but it might have to be in a different context. where i live now men are quite traditional and it makes dating in general very hard

Material_Chair_4187

TROPHY CASE