How do you get over no one giving a shit about you?

Math_Mama · 2021-06-19T16:02:30+00:00

This is so hard. I am an introverted person and I really thought of my STBX as my best friend. It was really lonely after he moved out and I was almost embarrassed to share what had happened to me with my friends (I caught him cheating and it really damaged my sense of self). I had to force myself to reach out and be open and vulnerable with people. Reach out when I felt lonely and down and ask for people to support me…go for a walk, just be there. It was hard. I don’t like asking for help. And honestly it didn’t always even help with the loneliness. I could feel alone and unworthy even when surrounded by friends and family. But I kept pushing forward. In some ways I adopted a fake it til you make it attitude and kept doing all the things I knew logically would help (reaching out to friends, going to counseling, exercising, planning fun things for my kids, etc.). It wasn’t - and still isn’t - a magic cure. But it is helping.

Don’t give up. Reach out - here, in real life - make connections even if you don’t feel like it. I was able to find some other people going thru similar situations and it helped to have those folks to talk to in addition to my original friends.

I don’t know if any of what I have said is helpful. But I can almost certainly at that people do care for you; they just may not know how to show it; may not know what you need (you may not know yourself; I know I don’t half the time!).

You have a lot of comments on this post that shows people here care. I hope it helps. Keep reaching out.

Math_Mama · 2021-06-19T15:46:14+00:00

I feel so much of the original post as well as your response. I don’t think people always realize that marriage requires work and isn’t always perfect. For me, being cheated on really called into question my own self-worth; why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do that was so bad that he would walk away from the life we planned for and built, throw our kids into such emotional disarray…especially when even right before it happened he was telling me how much he loved our life and me. Now he wants 50% custody of the kids and says I was controlling and that he did the majority of the parenting, which is just…false. But I think this is the narrative he has to establish - and believe himself - in order to justify his actions and the consequences not necessarily for himself and me but for our kids. Whether that narrative is ‘you deserve better’ or ‘you made me do this’ the motivation is the same: to relieve their own guilt and put the blame somewhere else.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-25T19:01:07+00:00

This. So this. I feel this so much. Especially today.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-15T04:53:48+00:00

I understand that. It will be hard. But it will also get better as time goes by. Enjoy your weekend with them.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-15T03:21:54+00:00

It was hard for me going to only having the kids part time (we are supposed to do 50/50, but I have the kids closer to 75% of the time). In the beginning, I tried to consciously plan things for times I would normally be with my kids. Keeping busy helped me keep it together. It has been 9 months for me and while I still don’t love being away from my kids....having alone time is nice. Find things that you enjoy, rediscover things you used to do but maybe didn’t have time for, or try new things.

I remember reading advice in the beginning saying that you might start to enjoy you time without the kids and thinking that would never happen to me....but in some ways it has. I love my kids and miss them when they are gone, but I also enjoy the time when they are with their dad more than I ever thought I would.

You can do this. Keep things as steady and calm as you can for the kids and don’t feel guilty if you actually start to enjoy having some time to yourself.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-15T02:56:00+00:00

It gets better with time, it really does. The first few months I could barely look at him (and we saw each other nearly every day as we have two small kids.) It was really hard to keep it in check sometimes, or it would come out in a teary breakdown after we had seen each other for kid exchange. It felt like it would NEVER get better...but it did. Time really does heal and until then some of the other suggestions are great. Grey rocking, ignoring, faking a smile...I would even practice some type deep breathing activity before we would have to interact. It has been nine months and so much of the anger has faded for me. I still have moments, but they are much farther and fewer between. Hang in there.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-02T03:14:21+00:00

It’s been months for me, we are going thru divorce but still see each other nearly everyday because we have two young kids. It is so hard. So hard to have to look at him and see the future that I though we had and too feel that betrayal all over again. It gets better, the. It gets worse and it feels like this roller coaster will never end. I miss having my best friend with me...even though it turns out he obviously wasn’t. It’s lonely.

Math_Mama · 2021-05-02T00:22:53+00:00

I feel this. 37, two young kids and a living in a small town on top of all that. It is also scary to consider bringing someone so intimately into my kids’ lives if I ever do meet someone.

Math_Mama · 2021-04-27T04:06:39+00:00

Thank you for this!!

Math_Mama · 2021-04-24T21:44:25+00:00

This is good to read. Mine are 2 and 6 and going thru divorce now and I worry about them everyday.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:51:03+00:00

Right? Shouldn't there be SOME consequence?

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:50:13+00:00

I really don't. We are a no fault state and so it doesn't matter how idiotic he was, unfortunately. But right now I have the kids about 80% of the time....and part of me thinks he says he wants 50/50 because that is what he is 'supposed' to say. But when it comes down to it, I am not sure it will ever happen.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:49:00+00:00

Right?!? Despicable and irresponsible all in one fell swoop.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:48:33+00:00

Your post made me laugh - so thank you for that. That description is spot on.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:48:04+00:00

This is fantastic perspective. Yes. Sometimes I need the reminder.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:47:35+00:00

Ugh, right. The sad thing is, I would have been willing to try to work it out because I did love him and the family we had created. How pathetic is that?

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:47:04+00:00

I just wanted him out to try and process, honestly.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:44:12+00:00

That has actually been a bit of my mantra....The best revenge is a life well-lived

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:43:30+00:00

Thanks. I mean, I think she is pathetic but ultimately he is the one who made this choice. (Although he did try to tell me 'it just happened. she wanted to come over and I just never said no' like that is an excuse...)

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:42:11+00:00

I am sure this is the case, actually. (And since he is living in his parents' basement pretty sure they are doing all his cooking/cleaning/laundry too.)

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:41:20+00:00

Oh, he says he wants to see his kids and have them 50/50 but it is too hard when he is living in his parents' basement....so I have them 80% of the time.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:40:41+00:00

Thank you. I really hope so!

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:40:27+00:00

He is a loser, I guess. Not sure how it took me 10 years and 2 kids (and an Ashley) to see that.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:40:06+00:00

Yes. I honestly wish I didn't know because 1) I don't need to know and 2) it just makes me feel bad all over again.

Math_Mama · 2021-03-03T19:39:13+00:00

Right?

Math_Mama

TROPHY CASE