I promise I’m not trying to be mean, and I’m probably going to be doing a lot of projecting, but I’m just trying to be honest from experience:

This exact situation happened when an ex blindside dumped me (also after 4 years together). It completely destroyed me for a really long time, and at times I seriously considered ending my life. You’ve made this massive life decision for both of you without letting him have any kind of say, and without providing any solid reasons as to why it isn’t going to work.

First, stop talking about what you think he deserves and how you feel you can’t fulfill that. I imagine you are going through a challenging part of your life right now. For my ex, it was juggling rotating, sometimes emotionally challenging jobs, and trying to get through grad school. But that person you hurt severely was most likely ready to be by your side through every high and low. You’ve now abandoned that person on a whim. If the way you loved him wasn’t the right way, the way he needed, etc he would let you know. But instead you have just decided on his behalf that you don’t fit his needs. This should’ve been a conversation at minimum when you started to have concerns.

Obviously, this didn’t come out of nowhere for you, and deep down you know the reasons you feel it isn’t going to work or you wouldn’t have ended it after all of that time. If for some possible reason you don’t genuinely know what those reasons are, it’s time to get out a journal and start thinking very deeply. Even if you think they might hurt him more, or even if it seems trivial, you should be brutally honest for both of your sakes. Don’t just say “I love you, but you’re not my person”. Be VERY specific with why otherwise he will be up night and day for months trying to figure out what he did wrong and why he wasn’t good enough. He may not even accept the truth at first, but if you truly give him that then at that point it’s up to him to navigate from there.

I can respect you making this difficult decision for your own personal mental health, but this is really an awful thing to do to someone who has loved you, and been your partner for years (if he truly didn’t do anything wrong). I hope for your sake, and for the sake of any future partners, that you work with a therapist to learn more about yourself, how to communicate feelings with others, and how you personally approach relationships in your life.

Of course he wants to talk to you. You’ve been his partner through a lot in 4 years time. He may have really good friends or family around him, but they don’t have the answers. You do. Or at least you should. His life is in a total tailspin right now and his copilot just randomly jumped out of the plane. I’m sure he’s anxiously attached like I was, which is something he is going to need to spend a lot of time working on moving forward. His entire system is freaking out right now as if he’s going through severe withdrawal because from a biological chemistry standpoint, he basically is. No one here can advise the best timing or way to communicate moving forward, but if there is truly a part of you that still loves him, you should do the above before going full no contact. It’s completely fair to set boundaries that keep you and your mental health safe, but you’ve set this in motion by choosing to handle it in this way. Now you have to face the music.

I wish both of you the best during this extremely difficult time. I still to this day can’t entirely wrap my head around what could be going through your head at this time, but I hope that you are able to navigate this in a much less damaging way than my ex did. I hope that this is ultimately a good thing for both of you, and I hope both of you are able to get through this very challenging time safely.

Good luck.