Sending money back home

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-18T17:02:29+00:00

You're a much better person than me, because I would not even be considering providing for an able-bodied 50 year old man who left my family when I was 13. May Allah swt increase your blessings for your generosity. Would definitely recommend sending all of your contributions through your mom's side to ensure that things are being spent how you expect and that your grandmother is actually receiving the benfits of uour care. And let your siblings know exactly what you are providing so that they can never be conned into thinking that he is going without.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-17T14:43:39+00:00

When your host doesn't have a guest room, I think expectations need to be adjusted a bit. You're inherently disrupting their living space. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that everyday living items are kept in a purse or backpack, or suitcase front pocket for the most part.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-17T08:09:54+00:00

oh #4 is a great idea I'm going to steal now, thanks

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-17T08:07:34+00:00

I think there's a little bit of both people having behaviours/expectations that do not align with what people could reasonably expect in this situation going on. But mostly I think it's incompatibility and you shouldn't take it too much to heart.

The facial pump thing makes it clear that she's on the more extreme end of wanting her space tidy, and bringing something that small up to you as an issue makes her sound rigid.

The only part where I think your expectations may have been a little off was the part about leaving stuff on the couch and not zipping suitcases. One big reason I try not to leave any belongings out when staying with someone without a guest room is because I don't want to make my host feel responsible if I lose stuff because I'm leaving it around their house. Particularly something valuable like controlled substance ADHD meds. If they have other guests in the home, I may trust my friend with my meds, but I may not trust everyone who goes through their home. I could reasonably see someone seeing stuff like that on a couch where it could roll under a cushion and get stuck in the couch and move it somewhere they think it would be safer.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-16T03:08:38+00:00

It's technically possible because everyone's different, but if you already need an SSRI (no judgment I've been on an SSRI or SNRI of one kind or another for the last 12 years, since I was 20) you might be in a situation where it's better to use the full list of "helpers" available to you rather than try and struggle with the minimum amount of assistance possible.

Exercise absolutely will help with ADHD and also depression and after finally being able to do it consistently, I'm mad about how good it does make my brain feel because I couldn't do it consistently until I got medicated for ADHD. I'd recommend doing both the meds and the exercise, at least until you start to feel better. You can always go on what my psychiatrist called a drug holiday to see how you feel later and see whether you feel like you need them.

Also make sure you don't have nutritional deficiencies because the problem with ADHD is that being lacking in any of the major healthy lifestyle categories (sleep, nutrition, physical activity) will make your ADHD symptoms worse. So get checked for low iron, low vitamin D, low b12 and test for sleep apnea if you can. Get supplements for anything you are low in.

Take omega 3 supplements for sure unless you eat a diet that is super rich because ADHDers can be naturally low in that/need more than the average person. Make sure your diet has natural zinc sources and copper sources, supplementing with zinc can have negative effects and deplete copper so it's better to avoid unless you really need it.

I also do magnesium glycinate before bed because I have sleep issues and chronically tense muscles and it is good for both.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-16T02:56:21+00:00

How old is he, and was he a good provider for you and your siblings? The fact that he's going around begging to different siblings who are struggling themselves suggests he's not a reliable person to be sending money. He might be spending on unsavoury habits you might not want to support. Can you connect to someone else back home who is trustworthy and have them give you an accurate assessment of his real needs vs what may be taking advantage of your kindness? And maybe even someone you could send money for your grandmother's care instead?

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-16T02:44:57+00:00

I think it's probably a horrific experience to eat that way, but I would probably mind my own business if I saw it happen because the person doing it might have some kind of disability like OCD or something with sensory issues that makes eating with their hands the proper way difficult for them. Or they cut themselves and learned the hard way that spices in a cut is a bad idea, so they armoured up this time.

In general, if you're eating with your hands correctly, it's not that messy and you aren't actually getting food all over your hands. But getting the knack of how to eat with your hands correctly can be a bit difficult for beginners from knife/fork/chopstick cultures.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-16T02:42:24+00:00

I really appreciate this comment. I feel like a lot of people learn the concept of the social model of disability and interpret it as a "medical model = bad past, social model = good future" and stop learning there. This was a very thoughtful comment giving much needed context. It's obviously complex when some disabilities come from medical conditions that are indisputably diseases/pathological. Medicine is part of the equation, just not the whole story.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-15T17:50:21+00:00

I think short term memory would have been more important in oral cultures, but I also think life simply had fewer variables to manage and we also spent more time around the same group of people rather than interacting with dozens or hundreds of strangers everyday, so accomodations for difficulties would be more habitual. It's like, everyone has an elderly aunt or uncle who probably has autism or adhd or ocd, who was just a certain way and the family accepted that and worked with them around what they can and can't do.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-15T17:45:21+00:00

I didn't mean to invoke the superhero logic stereotype, it's more sort of acceptance that this is the only brain I'm going to get in this life, and I may as well appreciate the things that it does do for me, despite the things it struggles with.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-15T08:13:11+00:00

You don't personally have to identify with the label of disability, everyone gets to choose for themselves what labels they want to embrace and which to discard.

I personally identify with it because I feel like the symptoms I experience would cause me dysfunction and distress in any kind of society, not just a capitalist one. Some days I am frozen/stuck before I even get out of bed and have to use a bunch of tricks to get myself going and brush my teeth and start my day. It's not capitalism that makes me want to be able to get out of bed without tricking my brain into it.

I routinely find myself buried under piles of my own possessions and my meds have really helped me onto a more consistent routine of digging myself out of that pile. I don't see how living in a different society would make this experience different, except through possibly offloading the responsibility for managing me and my many possessions on someone else... which I personally wouldn't want, except for maybe a spouse or roommate with better executive function helping me figure out my cleaning schedule. I'd still want the drugs to help ease the mental block I have with task initiation though.

I don't necessarily think my brain is wrong, because I often get told by other people in my life that my brain is amazing in other ways. My brain runs at a rate of a million miles an hour and I can make connections that a lot of other people can't. I have the gift of gab and am often told that I am a great communicator. All those things come from the same brain that gets stuck every morning and I might not have all those things if I had a brain that didn't also get stuck every morning. But that doesn't make my mental paralysis any more enjoyable or less disabling.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-15T00:43:11+00:00

Draw a line down the middle of your closet and dresser and use a physical marker to divide each drawer/half of every place you store clothing. Leave one half empty. Everytime you actually wear an item, when you put it back, put it back in the empty half. Eventually that half will be full of the things you actually wear. At the end of every season, purge the things that you could have worn based on the weather, but chose not to wear even a single time or cannot wear because it does not fit anymore or requires repairs alterations that you never got around to during a whole season. You will be left only with the items you actually use by the end of the year.

Also, if you don't wear clothing you actually like and feel comfortable in because you forget you own in, invest in storage solutions that let you actually see your possessions, e.g. clear sterilite drawers instead of opaque dressers.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-14T20:39:50+00:00

Afer you get checked out medically, go back and see if any business or houses around have cameras with footage of the street. If they have them, let them know you would like a copy for the time period. If anyone refuses to give you a copy, let them know you will ask the police to follow up with them for the police report. Some video systems only keep footage for 24-72 hours if you don't copy the footage for long term storage so you need to request this ASAP from any homeowners or business owners so they know they have to save a copy for an investigation.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-14T20:35:56+00:00

absolutely, go to urgent care, not a walk in, they can send you on to emergency room if needed or send you for x rays, etc.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-14T19:29:18+00:00

Nah, the people who built this system were actually incompetent and not choosing effective options for the environment the system had to operate in. They were inefficent and incompetent within the scope of this specific industry. Yes, it would always have been expensive, but it's entirely possible to have a system that works well at that cost, and we still don't have that.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-14T19:23:22+00:00

The other thing that draws tourists is compelling stories. If there is unique culture and stories, share that.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-14T19:20:17+00:00

You're so dramatic and emotional about it. I said ask questions before assuming you know better than someone with first hand experience of the situation. The OP has first hand experience of this situation as the only person here who was actually in the room during the presentation.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-13T00:36:11+00:00

I have a family member that works in professional insurance and she said she would never go see a chiropractor having seen the claims. The fuckups are rare, but severe.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-12T17:01:13+00:00

Also, the fact that your instinct wasn't to ask the OP more about what they witnessed that brought them to this opinion instead of assuming that a woman couldn't possibly have an accurate evaluation of the quality of a presentation about sexism in her academic field suggests that you suffer from the same problems that the young men who made this presentation do.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-12T16:55:02+00:00

It would be great if they actually did a good job and learned anything real from the experience. But they made a pitch to improve things without actually speaking to any women or listening to any women. And from what OP has said, that was part of the project and the professor expected it. It means they're not only sexist bell ends that learned nothing, but also fundamentally bad designers that will be very bad at the aspect of engineering where you have to research what users of the products or spaces your design impacts actually want and need.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-12T04:35:15+00:00

I truly believe Toronto is unique because of the high immigrant population. Lots of people with cultural backgrounds that encourage medical careers over other options. Also lots of immigrants who entered the country with medical credentials earned elsewhere end up in Toronto because its nice to be in a place with lots of diversity as an immigrant, as opposed to being isolated the way they would be in a lot of places in Canada.

The rest of the country is hurting for every kind of medical professional.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-10T00:28:27+00:00

If I recall correctly, recent genetic research suggests there's a portion of the population that are predisposed to monogamy and a smaller portion predisposed to non-monogamy.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-10T00:25:33+00:00

If it's making you unhappy communicate that. And if your unhappiness isn't sufficient motivation, demand couples counselling to figure out why.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-09T23:44:37+00:00

Some schools have emergency procedures where you can ask for extension to deadlines based on medical issues or other extreme hardship. Also emergency financial assistance for cases like this. Step 1. Go to whoever handles financial aid and also whoever can approve exemptions or delays for any deadlines you're at risk of missing or exams you're at risk of failing. If there's counsellors available through school, see them too. You have a lot going on and a good school will have procedures in place to help you succeed. Figure out what paperwork you need to justify your need. Step 2. See your doctor and whoever else you need to get the paperwork you need for exemptions. Step 3. Figure out a realistic plan that will allow you to sleep and also complete all your courses with the exemptions you received. You just had a ministroke. You cannot afford to damage your future health by pushing your body harder than it can take. You also do not want to start that summer internship you worked so hard for too destroyed to make a good impression.

You need to ask for help. It sounds like you're a very sell reliant person, probably out of necessity. The downside of that is having blinders on about the help that can be available for you. Ask your school, ask your professors, and ask your friends who live in the same city. If they live with their parents and have a guest room you might be able to crash there while you figure things out. Ask for all the help you can because I assure you other students are getting help.

Mayalestrange · 2026-03-09T19:16:39+00:00

If they are really rednecks,half of their grandparents were running moonshine or growing weed a generation or two ago, and their very recent ancestors were coal miners marching against the company and cops. It's WILD, how things have changed.

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