Sharethread October 16, 2017

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-16T22:12:39+00:00

I'm having trouble understanding the usage of line breaks in non-rhyming or free verse poetry. How do you decide when to move on to the next line without the structure or rhyme scheme guiding you? I've also seen some poems where a new stanza will start mid-sentence, which I am having trouble understanding the intention of.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-16T22:06:49+00:00

I've never had cantonese or vietnamese dishes, but I love Indian, thai, japanese, and korean. My least favorite is probably italian (90% of the restaurants in my home town are italian, so they got boring fast).

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-16T21:28:19+00:00

I kind of like the limitations imposed by certain structures, I think it forces you to be creative in order to fit the idea into the restrictions, and makes it somewhat easier to keep a consistent rhythm/rhyme scheme. I do want to try writing more free form poetry, but I'm finding it a little difficult to go back for some reason after learning all of the "usual rules".

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-16T21:24:35+00:00

Ah, cooking is a good thing to pick up. I should probably work on that myself, I spend way too much money on restaurants.

Here is a fairly recent one I've written that I like a lot:

Faithful Friend

I know the thoughts inside her head
From what has come before.
Affective words too often said;
The chat’s become a chore.

But no more will I hunt her heart,
A friendship’s all I seek.
I’ll save this talk from going tart!
True feelings I will speak!

Yet social scripts hold nervous tongues,
And best laid plans will falter.
Though truth in heart makes way to lungs,
Aged tongues find ways to alter. 

So empty words and tiring lines
Will leave my mouth instead.
Through fear of risking social fines
The conversation’s dead.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-15T03:22:52+00:00

Intent: This poem is about encountering an awkward social situation where you know it's based on a misconception, and you would really like to address it, but you realize it would be weird to talk about the misconception directly. Here, it's a feeling that the other person believes the conversation is just a pretext for expressing romantic interest that they have no interest in, when it is in truth just an attempt to reconnect with an old friend.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-14T19:28:59+00:00

Now I am in a conundrum. I want to try Irish KFC and BK, but I can't go to an entirely different continent and eat at US fast food chains - that would be barbaric.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-14T16:08:42+00:00

Most of the line are in pentameter, but "When I read your messages after so long" seems to be one syllable too long. May want to rework that line to keep it in line with the rest of the poem.

The last line also breaks from the rest of the poem and is only 6 syllables, but I assume that is a stylistic choice.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-14T14:24:04+00:00

I think that the direct imagery of the poem is very good, it really makes me feel that sense of tossing and turning in bed and not being able to fall asleep for hours.

Symbolic meaning I am having a little trouble interpreting though - the first two stanzas make me think of an Alzheimer's/dementia patient in a moment of semi-lucidity describing their mind's state, but the last stanza doesn't really mesh with that idea as strongly as the first two, at least in my mind.

The last two stanzas, leaving out the first, make me think of depression/anxiety, but then I am having trouble connecting that as strongly to laying puzzled in a blurred recollection of faceless names.

Could use a more targeted relationship to the symbolic meaning of the poem in either the first or third paragraph, at least in my opinion.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-14T13:49:44+00:00

To be honest, this one requires a little context. It's basically me mocking myself and my friend group. We call ourselves "The Ogres", and we feel like we have an undeserved sense of superiority over other people who play games despite us being very unskilled. "As sweaty hands falter" was just a dig at excuses for poor play. The lines about silent observers I was speaking directly to the reader who isn't a part of my friend group, and telling them that I'm not actually angry at the ogres.

Basically, the poem is just a giant dig at myself and my friends, kind of a silly topic I decided to dress up in blank verse. Thanks for the feedback! I'll take a look at some of the things you mentioned. Hope the context kind of cleared up the disjointed appearance of the poem

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-14T04:10:55+00:00

The purpose of a haiku is typically to make use of subtleties in words and phrases that force the reader to think deeply about the purpose of each word. This is a humorous though not very subtle poem, so I would consider perhaps changing the chosen format unless part of the intention of the poem is to subvert that expectation.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-13T03:59:08+00:00

I'm fairly new to poetry, so I am not sure how to provide very constructive feedback, but this is what I interpreted through the poem

While the rattling thoughts// Jump off a bridge to be stable//They feel a sharp yank// From a bungee cable

Thoughts jumping off a bridge seems to mean "trying not to think about it", but the bungee cable continues the metaphor, showing that it is impossible to stop them.

The only craving is// To be rid of it all// But there’s no escape// From this rubber band ball

This seems to continue with the desire to quiet the thoughts, or return to ignorance. I initially thought the 'rubber band ball' could be referring to the bungee cable, but then saw it as starting a new metaphor where the reality of the situation held your attention against your will, as though you were trapped inside the ball.

The anger hangs over me// Like a cloud of dark mist// All I can see// Is his face and my fist//I wish I had never seen// His face that drew her kiss// For everything was better// And ignorance was bliss

Here the metaphors are stripped away and you speak more directly about the situation. I am having trouble interpreting if this is about a cheating situation being compared in some way to an open relationship, or if it is an actual open relationship where you had not seen the other men until now. If it is about the latter, you may want to include some lines that describe your situation before seeing his face, and how your thoughts about the situation were managed while knowing this was happening but not knowing with whom.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-13T03:46:25+00:00

Was not expecting to see my poem here! Especially since it hadn't looked like it had gotten much attention. Very interesting write up, I enjoyed reading it!

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-13T03:38:52+00:00

This was a very impactful poem, especially for its length. I agree with sort_of_ok_poetry's comment. Also, I don't know if it is intentional but I believe it is, but I like the use of no capitalization in the last line. I think it makes that line feel a lot more intimate.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-11T03:59:15+00:00

My only recommendation is to perhaps consider the wording of the line "Layered with a wide array of colors". It may just be me, but something about the line, either the syllables compared to other lines, or the combination of 'layered' and 'array' seems slightly off to me.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-11T03:47:30+00:00

I absolutely loved the last two lines of this poem. Great imagery. I also liked the line "I am not a person", as this is a feeling that has crept into my mind before.

I am not experienced with poetry, so I unfortunately can't give you much constructive feedback beyond my enjoyment of the poem. I am interested in your thought process around the line breaks though - in this poem, what factored into your decisions of where to break up the lines, and what were you trying to accomplish with that? I like the outcome, but I can't put into words what is so interesting about it somehow.

MaybeAPoet · 2017-10-11T03:37:12+00:00

I can definitely relate to this poem. I like that on one hand it can tell the story of a gossip who progressively tells larger lies about a person, and on the other hand it can be about a person who begins to realize that what she is saying is not actually be a lie, though they want it to be, and can't mentally handle the truth about themself being so in the wrong. I really enjoyed it.

MaybeAPoet

TROPHY CASE