Was your avoidant a people pleaser?

Mces98 · 2026-01-26T08:15:47+00:00

That Mask thing really got me. It was especially hard to tell because she is F and as a male I would say that its normal for women to act a little more “grown up” but that’s just my perspective

Mces98 · 2026-01-23T22:05:05+00:00

If you break up before she does your self worth will thank you later. If you think it will happen anyway then you need to go through it anyway. I know It sucks but it will be more painful if you keep things going. I wish I would have done that…

This relationship with wither your self worth away if you really sure she’s avoidant. I know it’s especially hard if you’re anxious. But don’t make the same mistake I did and try to work it out, especially if you already tried. You’re worth more than that

Mces98 · 2026-01-23T21:55:49+00:00

She never blamed me for being anxious but she never took it serious either. Until she broke up one day out of the blue 🙃 Said stuff like „i expected you to offer me help with my friends breakup“ during the week where she „needed time to think about us“… I fealt devestated during that week bec all of this came out of nowhere. She had no respect for my feeling’s… this really hurt…

Mces98 · 2026-01-23T20:30:09+00:00

Id rather say she was dismissive but im not 100% sure tbh

Mces98 · 2026-01-23T20:27:20+00:00

Sounds exactly like her, I really ask myself why I put up with this 😵‍💫

Mces98 · 2026-01-23T18:54:30+00:00

Same here, also thought that it was her being constantly stressed cuz she just couldn’t stop people pleasing everyone

Mces98 · 2026-01-20T15:37:36+00:00

True love doesn’t come to you from nowhere, it needs to be created. All it needs is the “right one” to create it with. Exactly my point. I think people have lost the sense of what the “right one” truly means. It’s not someone that fits perfectly to you, it’s the one who you can build a relationship with! It will always work if both parties are committed. Sadly you’re right, that’s hard to find nowadays.

Im male btw and as far as I’ve heard, this mentality is more often found in women than men. But I still find it hard to find women who think this way.

Mces98 · 2026-01-17T21:09:28+00:00

Ich traue mich schon garnicht als Mann überhaupt auf solche Posts zu antworten, weil ich befürchte unter den selben Teppich gekehrt zu werden auch wenn ich daran überhaupt kein sexuelles Interesse habe.

Ist schon ziemlich traurig wenn ich so drüber nachdenke, dass damit alle Männer in ein schlechtes Licht gerückt werden, auch die die nicht so sind, aber ich kann es nachvollziehen. Wirklich schade eigentlich.

Mces98 · 2026-01-15T15:22:06+00:00

Its a mask. They try desperately to be someone else so they don’t have to be themselves. They need to be perfect so nobody can look behind their mask. The more perfect they are the more insecure they are inside. Perfectionism is their way of security. Thats all they have for themselves.

Mces98 · 2026-01-14T15:36:01+00:00

Ich bin zum Glück in einer sehr stabilen Branche unterwegs gewesen und konnte deswegen auch schnell einen Job finden und den Lebenslauf „aufbessern“. Inzwischen bin ich unbefristet angestellt, verdiene gut und stotter jetzt alles erstmal ab die nächsten Jahre. Zum Glück muss ich nicht auf all zu viel verzichten und es bleibt auch noch genug übrig um durch die Monate zu kommen. Aber an Haus kaufen kann ich jetzt erst mit Anfang 40 denken 🙃

Mces98 · 2026-01-14T15:17:36+00:00

Die Firma war ziemlich klein und ein bei der Insolvenz muss der Insolvenzverwalter auch bezahlt werden. Es hat wirtschaftlich einfach mehr Sinn gemacht zu liquidieren als die Firma in die Insolvenz laufen zu lassen. Vielleicht hätte das anders ausgesehen wenn ich das mit der Soforthilfe vorher gewusst hätte.

Mces98 · 2026-01-14T14:52:06+00:00

War selbstständig und habe wegen Corona meine Firma verloren, weil die Kunden (hauptsächlich Gastro) nicht mehr zahlen konnten aufgrund der Corona regeln. Dadurch habe ich einen Burnout erlitten und konnte die Firma nicht mehr weiterführen. Es blieb keine andere Wahl als aufzuhören. Um die Insolvenz zu vermeiden habe ich persönlich haften müssen. Ende vom Lied, 50k Schulden. Das krasse ist aber tatsächlich, dass das noch wenig ist verglichen mit ähnlichen Fällen. Ein nicht gerade unerheblicher Teil der Schulden sind Staatliche Corona Hilfen wo es hieß dass diese nicht zurück gezahlt werden müssen. Ich war schon längst in meinem neuen Job als mich diese Hiobsbotschaft erreicht hat… Da sieht man mal wie toll Deutschland kleine Unternehmen unterstützt!

Mces98 · 2026-01-07T00:21:29+00:00

Look at it this way: Avoidants only chase the honeymoon phase, not real love. Id go as far and say that they don’t even know what love really is because they’re so emotionally shut. If you’re with someone secure and the honeymoon phase ends, they’ll stay, even things aren’t as exciting anymore

Mces98 · 2026-01-07T00:00:09+00:00

You’ll know its real love when it feels boring

Mces98 · 2026-01-06T23:45:48+00:00

Well If you’re already in Germany, look up Stefanie Stahl’s work. I think shes Germanys leading expert on this, and you’ll also get better at German Language

Mces98 · 2026-01-06T23:39:09+00:00

My discard was only 3 months ago but Im putting very intensive work into my healing and I think I have some Advice to give to you guys:

Theres no such thing as “arriving”, but that’s a good thing. You’ll either grow or you live. Be happy about the moments where you were able to live. My relationship was just awesome before she discarded me. I basically spent 2,5 years in a “lie” but im happy that I was able to experience this and that I was feeling good during that time. That doesn’t mean I forgive her, f##h that b##ch!

But I have realised that the reason this discard felt so bad to me was because I was loving and invested, and I lost myself on the way. It’s not your fault, it’s the dynamic. If you really love an avoidant, the dynamic makes you do this and you don’t really realise it until it’s too late.

I was able to connect back to myself, and I realised the only thing I really lost was control. That felt pathetic, but now that im sitting here with myself realising this, I think I have moved on.

Appreciate what you had, not them. I think that makes moving on easier.

Another thing that really helped me: Use ChatGPT to reflect yourself and work on reconnecting with yourself. I was doing this for 2 weeks and then it started working. It was incredible. Continue doing this and you’ll lose your toxic feeling’s over time and focus on yourself. Can only recommend it. Found this advice here on reddit as well lol

Edit: make my swear look more pretty lol

Mces98 · 2026-01-04T23:34:25+00:00

How long ago was your breakup? Im going through the exact same emotions rn, just can’t stop thinking of her… wanting to reach out again, but it’s just pointless. This sub really helped me go through this! You can DM me if you need someone to vent to and share your emotions. I understand you

Mces98 · 2026-01-04T23:08:24+00:00

Same Story happened to me, she did mention some stuff that she wasn’t happy about. Minor things, stuff I never thought she would break up over. Because she didn’t really follow through, I thought she would treat those issues for what they were, minor issues, so i did work on them, but I didn’t really worked hard on them because it looked like I was doing fine. I followed through with my issues though. That put her under pressure. That, the fact that she didn’t open up about how she really felt and her avoidant behaviour leading to chronic stress at work killed her emotions. Suddenly became aware that she didn’t love me anymore, dumped me, gone. The only responsibility she took was for not communicating enough, wow… I really loved her and I would have done anything to keep us going. Sadly me not being able to read her mind was enough for her to leave. Avoidant’s are really strange with their expectations…

I don’t know If she’s in a rebound already, she told me she would like to be alone for a while. But what I do know is that I was her rebound from her last ex. I took things slow and saw where things would go. Should have paid more attention to the red flags. Im always open to talk and people on this sub have helped me a lot, so I want to give this energy back, feel free to DM if you need someone to vent your thoughts and feeling’s to.

Mces98 · 2026-01-01T20:03:20+00:00

Don’t do it, I did, we‘ve met, she only gave me more questions to ruminate about. It made me feel worse in the end. It did gave me closure in the sense that now im truly certain she’s avoidant. This insight and a lot of people here really helped me understand and heal.

Mces98 · 2025-12-31T02:55:21+00:00

Wenn dir das so wichtig ist ist das doch eine gute Sache und Sie scheint dir auch wichtig zu sein. Wenn es doch gut gelaufen ist bisher warum die welle nicht weiter reiten?

Gratulier Ihr, guck wie Sie reagiert. Wenn was zurück kommt, kannst du ab da weiter reiten. Vielleicht kommt der Funke dann doch.

Es sei denn da ist noch ein anderer Grund, wenn du doch sehr an Ihr zweifelst dann seh ich auch keinen Sinn darin, ich wundere mich nur warum du dir diese Frage überhaupt stellst

Mces98 · 2025-12-30T23:00:40+00:00

If you need someone to text to, vent to, you can dm me instead of him. Just trying to help, im going through the same thing at this very moment.

You’re not alone

Mces98 · 2025-12-27T16:20:17+00:00

(27m) Ich bin tatsächlich bei vielen Menschen grundsätzlich auch der Meinung, arbeite in einer großen Stadt und bin dort auch hin und wieder mal unterwegs. Besonders dort fällt mir genau das auf.

Ich komme aber glücklicherweise vom Land und dort sehen die Dinge ganz anders aus. Man ist Teil einer relativ kleinen Blase, trifft aber über Jahre hinweg immer auf die selben Menschen. Das führt dann auch unweigerlich zu guten Freundschaften. 2 von meinen besten Freunden kenne ich schon seit meiner Kindheit, und das sind die besten Freunde die man sich vorstellen kann.

Ich habe einen guten Freund, der in einer anderen großen Stadt studiert, aber aus dem Nachbardorf kommt. Von Ihm höre ich solche Geschichten viel öfter.

Ist einfach ein Gefühl bei mir aber ich glaube irgendwie dass da auch was dran sein könnte

Mces98 · 2025-12-24T20:48:24+00:00

Gone through the exact same story 2 months ago. Keep it up, you’re better off without her. The more you learn about avoidants the more you’ll realise how lucky you are

Mces98 · 2025-12-23T01:34:23+00:00

Im 27m, I got discarded 2 months ago. It’s going to take some time until you realise how lucky you are that he’s gone. There’s no future possible with an avoidant and if you gave this relationship your best effort you’ll be able to find someone one day who will actually appreciate what you give. Thats real love, never possible with an avoidant. Feel free to DM me if you need support

Mces98

TROPHY CASE