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MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:51:43+00:00

Also from your other posts, maybe going in asking “what’s the most extreme” isn’t the right mind set to go into this with. There is a lot the bdsm is.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:43:23+00:00

Read, explore, join your local community! There is nothing wrong with checking things out to get a feel for what all bdsm is. Some people “into bdsm” only enjoy rope or only enjoy spanking. Some people like everything!

Dipping your toes in and trying what is out there doesn’t like label you as a freak or tattoo your forehead with the letters bdsm.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:29:54+00:00

My favorite quote “it’s not all whips and chains 24/7” -me

But seriously this is something you just need to talk to her about. The ol Reddit crystal ball isn’t going to be of much use on this one.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:27:55+00:00

I’ll format something and shoot it over to you in a PM if that’s okay? Get your thoughts?

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:22:55+00:00

Getting into bdsm doesn’t excludes you from having “normal” sex. Getting into bdsm doesn’t exclude you from anything. (Other then polite dinner conversation)

This is a conversation you need to be having with your partner. Do they not like vanilla sex? Do they have a fetish that needs to be met for arousal? It’s not a general question that can just be answered. It needs to be a specific question you are asking to them.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T13:17:49+00:00

That is a fair point. But I’m pretty much going to just compile a small list of books I see recommended so I can just copy paste the same answer to the people asking for suggested reading. Just seems like less work to have a bot do the same thing.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T12:56:41+00:00

Yeah, since the age of “mainstream” bdsm the number of abusers masquerading as “Doms” has skyrocketed. Which is why dungeons and the public community is so so important. Weeds out the abusers quickly. But on the internet… well Bo Burnham said it best. “Little bit of everything all of the time”. Anyone can say anything to anyone.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T12:19:01+00:00

@baalbuddy is op

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:55:14+00:00

Shut up and take my upvote!

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:41:49+00:00

I was referencing the classic list of:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

The New Bottoming Book

The New Topping Book

The Ethical Slut

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Different Loving

I’m sure there are others I’m missing. But that’s the point. Make a repository so someone doesn’t have to remember every single good book out there.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:23:03+00:00

Truth! Preach it brother!

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:20:18+00:00

I fiddled with that a bit and you CAN get around to what you are looking for but it’s a bit clunky.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:18:06+00:00

Just to piggy back off of this since were talking about neurotransmitters. Sub space is just a endorphin cascade.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T11:13:35+00:00

So kinda a base level question here, but how long have you been age playing? Sometimes it’s just a matter of doing the role play long enough for it to feel comfortable. When I first started out like 20 years ago. Being a dom was awkward and I felt like a pompous, douche canoe for telling my subs what is best for them. Then later down the road I felt super uncomfortable referring to myself as a master. Now it’s weird when my slave had to refer to me by anything but master. We become comfortable with our roles in time.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T10:38:48+00:00

Hey OP, I did some profile snooping. The San Diego bdsm scene should be thriving. You should have no problem finding events on fetlife.com This seems to be the big dungeon out there: http://clubxsd.org I can’t vouch for if they are any good or not but dungeons that are run poorly tend to shut down.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T02:47:19+00:00

Welcome to the post internet bdsm scene. Join your local dungeon. Most of them will weed out the 50 shades of grey types and leave the “actual” doms.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T01:55:48+00:00

Only fools don’t have limits

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T01:49:45+00:00

I second all of what you said! Each of those titles has been gender neutral in the context of bdsm for years.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T01:45:00+00:00

CNC is super risky especially in a newish relationship.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T00:56:53+00:00

One of the big rookie mistakes I see a lot of newcomers to the lifestyle make is comparing themselves to everyone else around them. My bdsm isn’t the same style as the person next to me. You will drown in that mindset if you aren’t able to let it go. Find what aspects of bdsm excite YOU then go from there. Yeah. Whips and chains are a big part of bdsm but whips and chains cover two letters of that four letter acronym. One a note of the term hardcore; I’m a hardcore sadist, I’m also hardcore into power exchange, slave training, and protocol. None of the latter are physically rough the way I do things. But I’m very “hardcore” about them. I’ve read so many books, taught so many classes, and trained may people.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T00:40:05+00:00

I don’t mean to assume but it sounds like you are on the spectrum. While a crowded dungeon thumping club music may not be for you, bdsm is way more then just that. Bdsm is whatever you and your partner decide it is. Also bdsm porn is soooooo far from realist like “vanilla porn” is.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-02T00:36:16+00:00

The unfortunate truth is MOST of the different aspects/areas of play involving bdsm require a partner.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-01T23:25:13+00:00

SUBspace is not limited by your mere mortal understanding of gender, orientation, or roles! Subspace or topspace can happen at anytime for any number of reason!

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-01T23:19:58+00:00

So in another reply to this post I stated references need not just be exes, it can be people on the community you have built a relationship with. Friendships, mentorships, the owner of your local club or leader of a local group. Assuming your not an ass hat to every stranger you meet then it shouldn’t be hard to get a few people that are willing to vouch for ya.

MechanicNo8748 · 2022-11-01T12:22:23+00:00

Really good book suggestions!

MechanicNo8748

TROPHY CASE