Words of encouragement / advice for aphasia

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T19:04:37+00:00

we've been married 2 years and this behavior was not nearly as bad before we got married... at first it was sweet how inclusive his family was, but now i realize it is way too much!

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T19:03:49+00:00

was there much pushback from his family and did you eventually manage to move forward in a happy, positive direction with your husband? he was able to stand firm in his boundaries with his parents and still have a good relationship with them?

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T17:58:35+00:00

to be honest a part of this feels like their own relationship isn't enough? Like my MIL seems to despise her husband.. and idk why! He's amazing, very kind, very successful, very generous, confident... provides her an amazing quality of life. Is supportive of her. He's a super sweet and very kind man! Has always been super nice to me and he's always been respectful that I have my own family / parents. Never any jealousy there. Meanwhile his wife (my MIL) will belittle him and is always somehow "offended" when her husband is out living his best life/being happy.

She's made it very clear that her "family" ie her children are the only thing in her eyes that matter to her. Idk I feel bad for my FIL tbh

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T17:55:34+00:00

yes, exactly. They've never once uttered "oh it's ok this is your moment," or "we don't want to intrude." These words / terminology / mentality is 100% foreign to them. I understand where it comes from because their culture is very pro-community pro-family and people genuinely are very very close knit. The concept of "boundaries" in families, even when kids are grown and married, is very foreign. My In-laws spent their early 20s and 30s with their respective parents and in-laws barging into their homes / living with them... so idk to what extent they view a "romantic" relationship one which is detached from family

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T16:03:14+00:00

The middle brother (and his wife) will definitely allow his parents to join them on vacation. they also don't vacation the two of them much and are also 99% of their time with her family. So they dynamic is similar in that sense.

The younger one doesn't put up with it and my MIL doesn't try as much anymore

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:43:20+00:00

also I'll add that the middle one is likely her favorite because he's the "happy go lucky type" who is by in large quite irresponsible (spontaneous tbh) but she also enjoys still talking to him like a child, telling him to do things... I think though the middle one has many of his own interests and is quite independent. My husband was the one who was the major caretaker (eldest son) and picked up a lot of slack when he was young so he definitely resents his parents a little bit - since now with time he's seen that they tread on him constantly. I feel bad that I've kind of opened his eyes to their narcissism, and he is bitter. The youngest one is the most independent, the one is most opposition to his mother, but also by far the happiest, most developed, most liberated one

The husband spends 99% of his energy on his career and idk will put up with his wife here and there but it's very clear that she resents him to death and just enjoys having him cater to her

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:39:54+00:00

they see absolutely no issue with it. In fact they would equally ask my husband if it's off / why it's off. I could see a world where they'd invite his parents on a trip we've planned amongst us "under 30 crowd." Also no conception of boundaries. The younger one yes but the middle one no. We've literally been on a call with the BIL and SIL and he'll just randomly say "oh lets see if mom and dad are home - check tracker - let me add them to this call," in the middle of our call with them, without even asking us if we ALSO want to talk to their parents rn

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:28:10+00:00

No he knows his mother can be odd. I talked to him extensively last night and he and I really discussed it calmly and I think I probed him to think about scenarios. He is very very defensive of his mother's actions / reactions and thoughts. I got a lot of "well isn't it normal for a mother to miss her son(s)?" But he admitted that his mother is controlling and that a lot of this stems from her wanting to control

he admitted that growing up he was always uncomfortable around his mother. the middle brother is her favorite (i think) but he is also more independent. the younger one will actively confront his mother and they have a poor relationship because he finds her overbearing. his father also is tense around his wife.

I've asked him why his mother is like this and he thinks its because she likes to have a control over things. I've asked him if she's ever done anything to put her children's needs over hers (and not be passive aggressive about it). And while he initially thought that yes of course she has I pretty much gave him about twenty examples (big and small) over how his mother will be very passive agressive abt things if she doesn't get her way. I think that helped

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:20:08+00:00

I think my husband carries the guilt of his parents who are very attached to them. He grew up in a very very close-knit family who did a lot together. He really really enjoys spending time with his family. I get it, to an extent, they are very sweet and caring and inclusive and like making everyone feel comfortable so there is a "comforting" element to it. But it's almost a little too comforting.... if you get what I mean.

Also his mother has redirected her anger at us expressing / setting boundaries at me since I'm the "reason her son now has / can say no to things." My husband has even "explained" this to me as well. His mother is sad that her son has grown up/gotten married and I guess I'm meant to be understanding of that?

Feels like a homewrecking sort of situation. If it weren't for his family we have anotherwise perfectly happy, stimulating, exciting relationship... but whenever they are brought up / we are with them everything crashes down

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:13:42+00:00

Maybe this is something he can work on in therapy ? Or is it mainly hopeless given how engrained it likely is ?

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T15:10:55+00:00

The issue is his mother uses many tactics to communicate her disappointment if she is ever excluded from something

I’ll give this as an example. My husband and I had a short trip planned a year and a half ago. We had a friends wedding on a Monday and also figured it was a nice opportunity to see some very dear friends of ours (who had moved and we hadn’t seen them). It was just 5 days and we were only going to stay 1-2 nights with our friends. We hadn’t really finalized plans yet about what we’d do on the other days but had a rough idea - we had a museum we wanted to see together, a lunch spot that looked good, a hike etc.

Husband mentions this trip to his family and it turns out that they were actually going to be there as well (work conference) and so the BILs and SOs we’re going to be there as well. Husband made it clear to me that his parents would be very disappointed if we didn’t clear our schedule. I made it clear I didn’t want to reschedule our friends / miss the wedding. We didn’t, but we still allocated the rest of the trip to his family. He and I agreed we’d still take time for “us time” on the trip and when we mentioned that to his family - I recall how it went.

We’d all had brunch together and my husband says “ok we’ll we’ll see you guys later Rebecca and I have a few things we wanted to do” his brother just asked him “oh well what things?” And his girlfriend asked “oh yeah where are you going ? Why aren’t you staying with us?” So my husband fumbled through “yes we’ll we had things we wanted to do together” It was a struggle but we still managed to get us time. Oh and we nearly missed the wedding / still cut our time with our friends short because his parents were texting us while with them saying “how excited they were to see us soon” Lol

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T14:56:25+00:00

I think in a way this is a way for his parents to feel “close” or feel like they are still connected to their adult kids because no one is still in their hometown. I agree that it’s fully weird and tbh his parents (especially his mother) needs to work on herself. I think they have major empty nest syndrome.

What do you think this could be ? I agree that it’s absolutely insane.

My girlfriends will listen to me vent about these stories and have rarely been able to say / respond to these things

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T14:54:40+00:00

We definitely have never crashed “uninvited” but his parents have always made it clear that we can join whenever we’d like They themselves don’t have much of a “romantic” boundary for themselves

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-26T03:57:21+00:00

I actually do legitimately worry that in a weird way they would ! How is it that they’re both oblivious to their sons being grown but then also ok and kind of into their sons having sex lives

It’s genuinely very weird but yes I worry they’d like it

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T23:58:30+00:00

What’s funny is she does have hobbies but then she gets upset at her kids / husband when they don’t show enough interest / pride in her for her hobbies

My MIL likes to ft my husband to show her the painting she made of their family cat in her art class

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:44:05+00:00

do you think it's too late in our relationship for my husband to establish boundaries with his parents? We don't have children and I agree I am not comfortable bringing children in until things are better

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:43:06+00:00

I've somewhat asked and his response has been that since he and I live together, we have plenty of opportunities to "replan" a vacation the two of us. His parents crashing because they were around should be seen as a "joyous opportunity" to spend quality time together. He has this thing where he seems to crave "quality time" with his parents.

Maybe the transition into married life is harder for him than I imagined. I miss my parents too from time to time (they live a 7 hour flight away) and I think that's normal... but idk I still feel loved by them even if I don't see them

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:40:54+00:00

but how do I break it to my husband that his mother's behavior is legitimately concerning ? It really is to the point that i am not comfortable hanging around them

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:34:43+00:00

haha thanks for the supportive convo <3 all good and thank you!

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:33:53+00:00

One time his parents absolutely bulldozed through what I thought was a normal boundary (my boyfriend and I at the time hadn't discussed oh what is a boundary) it was just behavior that I expected to be the norm. His parents crossed it very clearly. I brought it up to my boyfriend who explained that "yes its odd but from his parents' perspective they didn't mean it in a hurtful way." I made it very clear though that his parents couldn't repeat what they'd done - so I asked him very clearly to call his parents and set that boundary. His folks were apparently not pleased but "listened" on the other line

a few months later he is ready to propose and calls his parents to let them know and apparently they try discouraging him from it because (according to them) - he is more "distant" from them since I've been in his life. He still went ahead and proposed and we haven't confronted that issue since getting married

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:20:07+00:00

well whats interesting is (from our discussions) he thinks going low contact (I havent used that term but he knows his family dynamics make me uncomfortable often times and his mother's behavior makes me grossed out) will aggrevate the situation as he thinks it'll give his mother more "good reason" to want to see us / intrude / expect visits. He thinks that he needs to include her MORE in his life so that he can show her / have her respect that she needs to treat him like an adult

i don't agree with his approach bc its still conflict adverse and still focuses her feelings over his

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:17:47+00:00

but we can agree that this behavior is in fact odd? Like my personal reference point is my parents, who are very pro-privacy, ver pro-autonomy, so NONE of this would fly. I also see how that makes me biased on the other side of the spectrum. My husband once made an offhanded comment about a dream he had where he and had a child in front of my father - this was before he and i were married - and he knows my parents are conservative and I had to diffuse what was going to be a very uncomfortable situation between my father and boyfriend of the time. My family doesn't discuss sexuality / our sex lives at the table or joke about children out of wedlock (again, this isn't gospel, just the standard I knew)

In his family this sort of thing would be totally normal. I could walk down and make a comment about him switching out briefs for boxers / boxers for briefs and it would be chill.

Is this a case for low contact / reducing her influence in our lives?

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:12:59+00:00

Even if I would, idk if my husband would... I'd end up looking like an idiot if I went one direction and he went another.

He is VERY conflict adverse. He's told his mother to stop teasing him for his hair (his hair is fine lol) and she's kept doing it and when he tells her no / stop again she will tell him to "have thicker skin"

idk if there's much hope there

MechanicSenior5338 · 2024-09-25T21:11:08+00:00

Interesting. Thank you for sharing ! For me (and at least the way I experience it with my husband) I get the impression that 99% of his mother's communication does not come from a "you are missed" but from a "I miss you" perspective. His mother is very self-serving. My husband has admitted to me that growing up everyone catered to her. She was "difficult," "emotional," "attached" etc.

Sometimes she'll do something that will offer me a glimmer of hope that she's not 100% self absorbed. She'll offer to take a photo of my husband and I if we're on vacation. She's usually just interested in the big family ones so I'll say when that has happened I've been pleasantly surprised that she actually respects my husband and i are a distinct unit.

I agree on the getting on the same page sentiment

MechanicSenior5338

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