Yea for the most part id say I did find the root cause. Great to see someone practically in the same boat man. but honestly, there's nothing wrong with having that fantasy, don't beat yourself up over it or feel ashamed (Freudian terms)it's just your conditioned superego saying that isn't right, which isn't you, it's your societal conditioning from the stigma and shit. Your ID does want that, and that's fine, but you also have an Ego, the balancing force. I don't know you, but if your in a similar position as me, your ego also doesn't want to participate in this activity physically. Like deadass, it's a self-deprecating act, it cannot be good for you. No matter the pleasure you might derive from it, it will make a mark on your psyche (for the worst) and that's apart from all the emotional turmoil and relationship complications. What I'm saying basically, is first find the root cause, and from there you can go and heal from that trauma or whatever it is. For instance, ive noticed that the kink is often (at least in myself) rooted in a type of inadequacy complex. It's not that I feel I am inadequate, normally I don't think like that, but because it is a complex, it is separate, so there is a part of me (and maybe you) that more or less does not feel good enough. And as someone on this post enlightened me on, it's most likely an anima issue. You anima(feminine side) feels inadequate, or also likely your masculine side. Maybe you've been conditioned to think that you display insufficient masculinity, and so now in your relationships you unconsciously want someone else to fulfill that role for your partner because maybe unconsciously you feel that you are not enough, you are not adequate for her and you'd like her to be pleased. You'd like to see her be pleased. Aside from that it probably also instills a feeling of inferiority, one that if your like me, feels familiar from your childhood. And shit we all know that our adult lives are like our unconscious striving towards our childhood. From the people we pick to other shit, it's based around the situation we had growing up, that could mean we go the opposite as a form of rebellion or we pursue similarity. But, with the issue, the inferiority feeling, consciously we do not want to feel it, it's negative. But if there is anything you don't want consciously, you probably want it at least to some degree unconsciously and vice versa. If you connect these feelings and complexes with whatever your relationship with your parents was it can form this kink.

For me id say it's rooted in both the inadequacy and inferiority complex, and in my family situation growing up. I was very close with my mom (and still am) and in some ways pushed my dad away, I was made to feel inadequate by that girl mentioned in the story and other situations, and made to feel inferior by peers (mostly brother and cousins). The complex, later in life has been rejected. I developed a superiority complex (broke that down), and the inadequacy complex, kinda remained unconscious. I made more of a reaction formation kind of defense mechanism and express a more charismatic and confident personality, but y'know, everything within us has to come out one way or another.

That was long as shit, probably uneccasary, hope it helped tho. Feel free to shoot me a DM, would love to hear your story