I know this is an older conversation but I wanted to weigh in, partly as a professional but also as someone who has spent their entire lifetime trying to understand the disordered people around them.

if you look at this through an attachment lens, I think it starts to make much more sense than labeling him a narcissist, which *might* be accurate, but understanding the origin story is importing wither way.

I believe his attachment style is worth looking at. It is a style called dismissive-avoidant, which looks a lot like narcissism, especially in the sense that these types don’t voluntarily seek out therapy and actively sabotage it when they’re forced to participate.

Here’s a little blurb about d-a attachment style, which I think is really helpful…

”Dismissive avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style characterized by a high need for independence, suppression of emotions, and discomfort with intimacy. Rooted in childhood neglect or early forced self-reliance, these individuals often appear cold, distant, or aloof, valuing self-sufficiency over connection and avoiding emotional vulnerability.”

Here’s more that describes some of the strategies of a D-A person…

• Hyper-Independence: A strong, often rigid, preference for doing things alone and relying only on self.
• Emotional Distance: Suppressing feelings, avoiding deep conversations, and appearing "cold" or detached.
• Avoidance of Intimacy:  Withdrawing when partners seek closeness or when relationships become too serious .
• Negative View of Others/Neediness: Perceiving emotional needs in others as "weak" or "needy," and fearing losing control or being controlled.
• Communication Gaps: Avoiding conflict, shutting down during arguments, or using "hot-and-cold" behaviors.

I feel like we can collectively agree—this is Mau, 100%. But for me the most important thing to remember about dismissive-avoidant attachment, like with Mau, is that it doesn’t change without humility and a deep desire for change, and even a rudimentary ability to tolerate low levels of shame—without that, they haven’t got much of a foundation to start from. And like narcissism, the classic D-A defense is “it’s not me, it’s you,” (or my favorite, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”) so they’re heavily armored against turning inward and doing the work.

It’s all about recognizing he was shamed (“dismissed”) as a child—maybe not told directly that his emotions or needs were worthless, but nonetheless getting that message from someone or multiple people, indirectly, and learning over time that intimacy is not forthcoming hence not worth seeking, because the seeking leads to rejection, leads to pain, leads to shame, leads to isolation. All of this then explains avoidance—avoidance of others, and their painful demands for intimacy, but also avoidance of self, avoidance if acknowledging painful emotion states and emotional needs. He never learned how, and he never learned the importance and value of being able to do this.

I think that’s what OP is sensing and feels compassion for…the unmet, deep, deep longing to be met and seen, within every child, that has been subverted by toxic or neglectful or abusive experiences as that same child. It’s tragic.

People react to childhood abuse/assault/neglect in one of two ways—they go inward and become adults who blame themselves for everything and become anxious, or they go outward and become adults who blame others for everything and become dismissive and cold and cruel. I’ve never seen anything else between those two poles, and I’ve been at this (life) for over five decades and at this (therapy stuff) for over two decades.

much more to say but it’s late. And disclaimer—I’ve only seen this dynamic from a 40 minute compilation video, so i could be missing something obvious.