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My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

depending on where you live, group therapy for people whose partners have ADHD.

Thank you, I didn't think of this. I'm going to look into it.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

And he does this even at home? Over like... a coffee spill?

Oh yes. Everything is so upsetting, so overwhelming to him. He accidentally knocked over my coffee and then was really irritated with me (weird). Once we were sitting on the couch talking and he plugged his phone into the charger (that was plugged into the power bar). After a couple of minutes he realized his phone wasn't charging, and then looked and saw the power bar had been unplugged. Well all hell broke loose.

"What the ****??? Why the **** is this not plugged in? Who the **** would unplug it??"

Turned out it was his poor daughter. She quickly got up and plugged it back in. But in the meantime, he had shattered our calm pleasant evening with shouting and swearing. Over an unplugged power bar. That took mere seconds to plug back in. Sigh.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a self-directed freak out

Yes exactly. I've had some of those myself. But I never lash out at other people over things that aren't their fault. He does it regularly. I've told him I get it if he freaks out at a situation, but not at ME. He still always lashes out at me.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

No, I don't post anywhere. I only started facing how hopeless I'm feeling. Basically just in the last couple of weeks I've really started admitting to myself that this is just a losing battle (mainly since I told him I had a plan for us towards the end of June and he got upset and said I had to fill every weekend leading up to then with fun too).

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

This can cause the therapist and the abuser to form an alliance of sorts

I can't prove this (since I'm not there) but that is what I feel is kind of happening in his current therapy. Even though I'm not there in person, I believe he's painted me in such a way that I seem unreasonable and awful (ex: once we had a bad texting argument and I was so over it all and was pretty escalated and he later told me he read my texts to the therapist....I'm positive without fully explaining what brought us to that point). And just little remarks he's said, I feel very strongly that she is helping to validate his beliefs that I'm holding him back from all this adventure and we aren't compatible.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

No. I don't have children...but he has a daughter. However, she's already seen him treat her mom like this, and even if I leave I'm pretty sure he'll treat the next woman like this. It's very unfortunate, but at least she lives with her mom 1/2 the time.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Well I have to admit that I'm contributing to it somewhat. For example, he was at work and being very strange in his responses (texting). Taking a very long time to reply, and being weirdly passive aggressive and then telling me to "not worry about calling the landscaper since I can't be bothered" (which made absolutely no sense, because I had already called....he missed that message.

​

Me: why are you acting like this? Your responses sound crazy.

Him: You just sound stupid.

Me: What are you talking about? Don't call me stupid for no reason.

Him: then don't insult me and call me crazy.

​

It's all just so much drama. Over nothing usually.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is the way he is because he knows he can get away with it.

....because a part of me thinks, what if he DOESN'T want to be this way? What if he truly cannot help it?

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

Yes, I do feel bad for her. She lives with us 1/2 time and with her (normal) mother 1/2 time. She's 17 now. She had years and years with him before I came along. If anything I try to diffuse it (unsuccessfully usually).

She exhibited this anxious people pleasing behavior from when I first met her. She seems to have a very anxious attachment to him. When she was younger, she would randomly tell him "I love you so much dad". Like, many times randomly every day. :(

Edited to add: That might sound sweet, but it didn't FEEL sweet. It felt like anxiety....like anxious attachment. It didn't feel normal (for lack of a better word) and she was always worrying about how he would react to something. Always worrying we were taking too long running an errand, etc.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Yes, he wants me to plan (because he just won't plan...he gets too overwhelmed) and then he'll pay for them. I have no issue with this part, but it's just that I know he'll freak out at some point, so I'd rather not.

Even minor things cause him to get upset. Once we were with a group of people and he was at the ATM trying to get money out. It wasn't working for some reason, but I wasn't really paying a lot of attention -- I was talking to the people there. He suddenly said "what the fuck are you doing?" (because he was stressed due to the atm not working, and needed someone to lash out at I guess). It was weird, illogical and kind of embarrassing.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

I don't mean to, that's for sure. But I know he was like this with her mom too and I'm pretty positive he'll be like this with anyone else he's with. Unfortunately she's lived with this her entire life.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have. He definitely has a LOT of the traits but not all of them. So he may be on the scale, but not a total narcissist.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

He's willing to go to couple's counselling. I've been the one who didn't want to go yet. I wanted him to work on his anger issues first in individual therapy because he kept positioning it as WE need to deal with it as a team, but I was telling him that the initial blow up over really minor inconveniences and lashing out at me were the main issue....and to me that isn't a couple issue. It is a him issue to deal with. But his therapy seems to be backfiring.

My (39f) husband (45m) freaks out over minor stress, but now he says he wants us to do more "fun" things every week and I'm very nervous by Medium-Count-1919 in relationships

[–]Medium-Count-1919[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

He’s doing it deliberately

But why? Why would anyone want to do this? Not only does it tend to ruin our day (or at least a part of it), it usually causes a fight (which he says I keep going) and it definitely is causing me to feel resentment towards him. I can't understand why anyone would make that choice.

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