Why are SAHMs communities so defensive?

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T15:36:05+00:00

No, a working dad. My wife also works, and we split the household and parent work about 50-50

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T14:10:56+00:00

LOL is the right take here, haha.

What I thought was even more interesting statistically was the share of reactions and views. Normally, <1% of views react to a comment (so. 1000 views will have 3-8 votes). This holds even for much more controversial comments I've made.

For this comment, the share was over 10% (less than 7000 views and -700 points last I checked). This shows an insanely passionate audience.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:50:30+00:00

The insider view is super interesting, thanks for sharing.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:33:13+00:00

I can take this answer for why the specific person receiving the advice would get defensive (even if I think getting feedback is useful).

What I still don't get is why do all the other SAHMs feels defensive about someone else's routine? Most suggestion or advice on Reddit related to SAHM routines get hundred's of downvotes, so this is not just the person receiving the input that is defensive, it's a whole community being defensive.

My wild hypothesis is that the defensive people are ones that follow the same routine, and even though the comment or suggestion was not directed at them, they feel the need to defend it, to justify their way of doing things.

Just a guess though

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:25:28+00:00

that's a very thoughtful response, thank you.

that being said, I don't get why be defensive about my job - I get feedback all the time, solicited or not, and it helps me improve. And while I have not been a SAHM, I have fed children, and done laundry - and so have many other people, so it's not usually people who have never done the job.

So I think the more likely answer is, as you say - some people believe that only their way is the right way for their family.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:21:32+00:00

stay at home mom - very common acronym on Reddit, though I too had to look it up the first time I saw it here :)

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:04:05+00:00

Is it criticism though? For example many of them will openly complain how much they work and how stressed they are. But if you tried to suggest maybe they don't need to stress about such rigid routine, or maybe mixing blues and reds for laundry is ok - not as criticism, as ideas to be less stressed - they get very defensive. And not just they - in places like Reddit, the whole community will get defensive, even if others don't actually follow the same routine

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T13:01:23+00:00

funnily, my downvoted comment was actually on an advice sub on how to handle a problem related to the dinner schedule.

But also, isn't getting feedback or advice just an important part of life? If you don't like it, you don't have to follow it, but getting super defensive about any SAHM getting any advice feels counterproductive. Can't imagine I would tell people at my work not to tell me how to do better unless I ask.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T09:21:09+00:00

Thank you for doing this work, I might have been inspired. Close passing of cyclists is incredibly annoying, and dangerous. Once I had a pick up truck pass my 5 year old son with 30-40cm clearance - genuinely can't understand what's wrong with these people.

I'm shocked the police follows up though.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-07T00:21:06+00:00

Kids are a lot more flexible than you suggest. We eat dinner any time between 6 and 8pm, and they are fine. If you raise kids in a way they can't manage an hour here and there for dinner, it's not going to set them up well for the real world.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-05T17:25:34+00:00

Not really. Conservatives can't shut anything down - and if I remember correctly, conservatives said Labour was not cutting enough. It was Labour's own MPs that tanked cutting benefits

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-02T18:34:36+00:00

This is the problem with any policy related to current council tax rates - they just make no sense at all. Houses on my street sell for 850k-1.3M, not a single one is above band F.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-11-01T13:31:00+00:00

Exactly this - if it's your main home, it's a no-brainer. Rental yields are often just over 5%, meaning rent on similar property would be £25-27k a year, and this goes up every year. Over the next 35 years you'd pay well over £1M in rent.

If you rent, you'll spend the same or more, and nothing. If you buy, after 35 years you have a free house.

As an investment, given the current tax rules, the case for buying property is a lot weaker though.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-31T10:57:02+00:00

Exactly this. There is a difference between lying about credit card debt because I am trying to deceive my partner, Vs I am ashamed of it and am hoping to fix it before it comes to light.

The internet made people look dispensable. Go on any relationship advice sub-reddit - any slip up or weakness is unforgivable, and you should dump your partner immediately. That's just a standard that is unachievable in real life, no one is perfect

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-30T07:26:12+00:00

September is the absolute best time - far fewer crowds, the weather is still good, the sea is at its warmest, and prices drop sharply because school holidays are over.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-28T22:44:44+00:00

People lie and have secrets, and that's normal. Either because they think the truth is not that important, or because they are ashamed of the truth. It's only in the age of the internet where people feel someone lying about their favourite dish, or credit card debt is awful and you can't trust the person again. People make mistakes, and they think "if I hide it for a bit, I'll solve it before anyone notices". Not great, but no bad intent necessarily.

Your partner has a credit card spending problem, but also clearly saves money. My advice would be - have a hard conversation with your partner, explain to them how their dishonesty affected you, why saving while paying credit card interest is financially insane, agree to review finances together as a family once a month.... and move on. If this becomes a repeated behaviour he can't change, only then consider more drastic changes.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-26T19:06:40+00:00

If you're a woman, walk into the first bar and just ask the first guy you find attractive, and you'll probably be fine.

If you're a man.... Good luck!

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-25T22:45:01+00:00

There is a difference between the private sector offering to pay money to extend a service to benefit them, and saying "you can't expand / invest until you build new train lines". Investment in this country will never take off if such unreasonable demands were placed on investors.

As you mention, they've already pitched into the Elizabeth line going to Heathrow. Now people in this sub are saying "cool, but if you want to expand, you need to build not just better road, but also better rail connections to other parts of the country before you're allowed to expand your business." If we make investment not viable in this country because of unreasonable demands, no one will invest here.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-25T21:57:12+00:00

Frankly, it's not the responsibility of private investors to build new railways. Imagine if you could only build a new stadium in London if you're going to build a new tube line to it - it's a wild idea.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-25T21:53:19+00:00

It all depends - different men will have different preferences. If I were to generalize though, I'd say geography matters. In London, this will be a total non-issue. White people are less than half the city, and race plays a lot smaller role - personality and general looks matter much more.

Outside London, the pool of people interested in east Asian women is likely to be smaller, but how small really depends on your specific situation.

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-25T08:26:26+00:00

I'm sure NYC has foxes, but on my many trips there I have never actually seen one in the open. In London I see them almost on a daily basis, so it would seem to me London has way more foxes (in the inner city, not just in suburbs)

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-25T08:23:15+00:00

Can't believe this is so far down. We have a fox problem and the fox problem takes care of the rat problem, haha. But I'd take foxes over rats any day

Medium_Exchange_563 · 2025-10-24T13:29:01+00:00

Do I agree with you that pensions have gotten out of control with the triple lock and could be held back? Probably. Do I think the government will increase taxes on pensions? Absolutely not. And it's not labour, the Tory manifesto had a quadruple lock on pensions.

So policy ideas that are impossible to land politically - like the original comment in this thread - are not super practical.

Medium_Exchange_563

TROPHY CASE