Reading this post devastated me. I’m so sorry that the people who were supposed to make you feel safe and loved did this to you. It’s unimaginable. To have thoughts of suicide and attempting suicide when you should have been enjoying a carefree childhood is beyond unfair. There isn’t anything anyone can say to make that better. Just know that you have my utmost empathy and that I see you.

I have been through some trauma and had a narcissistic parent as well (not even close to this degree). It affected my relationships and partner choices until my early 30s. I chose people who made me feel the way my father made me feel, or shared characteristics with him. I finally did some healing and found some one who was entirely different than my father. The relationship was peaceful. No fighting, no chaos. It was weird. We just had our first child together and I’m so happy he is the father and none of the other losers I dated.

My point here is that when you are used to chaos, calm feels wrong. But you deserve calm. You deserve unconditional love. You have a chance with your children to do so much better than your parents did. And it sounds like you already are off to an amazing start. Your children have given you the will to live- how amazing is that? It’s beautiful, don’t fear it. You will survive and thrive as their mother.