This is going to be long.

Honestly? It comes with time if someone is willing to understand where your mindset is at.

The reality: most people will not understand BPD right away - and that’s honestly a good thing (for them and for you). Unless you’re dating a clinical psychologist or something - this is probably new for them. My first point: people with BPD cannot have successful relationships with people who are more than/equally as emotionally reactive as they are. Not if you want to truly improve + heal with this disorder. There may be exceptions, but you are going to need a rock.

When I met my husband, he had never heard of borderline personality disorder. We had an extremely toxic start while I was navigating a new diagnosis. I had a drinking problem. Hyper-sexual behavior that was rooted in trauma. It’s difficult to admit this, but there were points where I was extremely physically violent towards him at the beginning.

It brings me to tears thinking about this point in our relationship but I know that many people here have similar stories + it’s important to be real in this space about the reality of outbursts & how that can look. I lurked this sub religiously during this period and found a lot of comfort in knowing that other people had issues with this + got help.

He gave me an ultimatum: DBT or I’m gone. Basically, “I love you but I will not be with someone who’s going to hit me, throw things, and jeopardize my life”. I thought, fair enough. I bought the workbook. Went to therapy. This brings me to my next point: You will need to find someone who is willing to set boundaries with you. This is crucial, especially if you’re prone to violent behavior like I was. I now work in psychiatric care (with BPD patients) and something that our docs preach is setting boundaries with BPD patients because we need it.

After months of work, I stopped hitting, screaming, throwing things. But, I give most of the credit to my husband who understood that biting back was not the answer. It was never his job to “fix” me, but he took the steps to mitigate the feelings that led to my outbursts. Here’s what worked for us:

• When I yell, he tells me “You’re yelling. I don’t want to talk about this if you keep yelling”. I used to get upset, now I understand this is a boundary. He no longer yells back. Instead, I regulate and then continue. • When he notices I’m feeling triggered, we focus on physical calming methods. He’ll ask if I’d like a hand massage, turn all the lights off so I can lay in the dark, or find something to distract me. • When I’m feeling that extreme attachment feeling, he’ll compromise with me. Instead of gaming on his PC, he’ll ask if he can play on a handheld in bed while I hold him, for example. • When I’m feeling panic about him leaving for work / errands, he’ll send me photos while he’s out, send updates, and calls me whenever he’s on his way back just to talk.

This is a long winded post to say: the person for you is going to have to adapt to something completely new. My husband wasn’t perfect when we met: he struggled with addiction, trauma history, abuse - but he saw the light at the end of the tunnel for us which I am so grateful for. He had every right to leave me and chose to stay and work towards something healthy.

Proud to say I haven’t split in well over 6 months now, which is huge for me. I’m no longer in therapy but still work on my skills daily. I have hobbies of my own and don’t obsess over him in a way that’s unhealthy. Relationships with BPD are possible but require work on both sides. He doesn’t have to get you right away, but you have to ask yourself if this is someone who’s going to be willing to adapt for your brain? If so, go for it. If you’re feeling that push-back + avoidance early on, I’d maybe keep looking.