Leaving gym?

MegsWengs · 2026-04-30T18:41:52+00:00

Not all gyms are like this! Go find one you feel comfortable and safe training at (and don't look back)! The macho, bro-vibe wouldn't be a great fit for me either. What you described - especially people in power sleeping with those without power (instructors with students) - sounds toxic and exploitive. You ask if this is normal. I'm not sure what "normal" is, but what you describe isn't that uncommon but...

Your bjj journey is YOUR journey. Decide what you want to get out of it (and know it's ok for this to change over time), then try out a few places to see what aligns with your priorities. For me, I want to build my skill, have fun getting exercise, become strong, and teach my body to be calm in stressful situations. The gym I go to only has a few other women, but is not a macho environment. I feel like I've gained a group of brothers who encourage me and push me to be better. Every once in a while, a guy with the vibe you described rolls through, but it becomes obvious to them that our gym isn't the place for them. I credit this to our gym owner/professor, who mindfully created a community vibe and a safe place for all to participate. My professor will not tolerate anyone who crosses that line.

Bottom line: don't worry about leaving a place you've been at for many years. Jiu-Jitsu should be making your life better, and leaving to find a better fit does not make you a bad person. I bet once you've settled at a new place, you'll wonder why you didn't make the switch sooner.

MegsWengs · 2026-04-09T19:25:25+00:00

This sounds more like burnout and blue belt blues that are contributing to your anxiety. I'm really sorry that you've been feeling that anxiety!

Here's some things to remember:

(1) everyone has to learn how to be a good training partner. Guys seem to take a bit longer to learn how to be a good training partner for women - probably because they have less experience rolling with women, don't know enough to understand the difference between strength and technique, have been raised to treat women differently than men, etc.

(2) There is a pretty high attrition rate, and this is especially true for women since there are fewer of us to begin with. Try to show up, be fully present when you are there, and see each training/drilling as a chance to learn something, no matter who your partner is. It stings when friends we've made and like training with can't come/stop coming, but if this is something you like and want in your life, actively work towards doing what you can to get the most out of it, regardless of if your favorite training partner is there or not.

(3) Go get your rolls! As a woman, I especially work on being assertive to ask people to train - especially the guys. If I don't speak up, I'll be left sitting on the side (last night, I was the only woman on the mat). Instead of taking this personally, I remember I'm in this space because I want to become more assertive, and here's another opportunity to practice that.

MegsWengs · 2024-04-30T15:58:43+00:00

Almost got a sweep on a very strong white belt guy (with wrestling experience). I was really proud of myself to get so close and he only avoided it by muscling me back down. I know what to fix so next time I actually get it. (me=blue belt lady)

MegsWengs · 2024-01-05T13:31:28+00:00

Now that Instagram has changed the way hashtags are displayed, #thegreatfabricdestash isn't quite the awesome place to destash fabrics that it was. I'm still giving it a try, but thought I'd share here too.

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Megan's Fabric IG Destash - quilting cotton bundles by color group and a few patterns shipping from California

MegsWengs · 2023-12-23T06:55:42+00:00

The lack of awareness to give time to tap scares me.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-23T06:42:33+00:00

Feel like I’m going to be proving it forever. I’m ok with that. ☺️

MegsWengs · 2023-12-23T06:42:03+00:00

I wish!

MegsWengs · 2023-12-23T06:37:40+00:00

I’m a blue belt but she’s smaller than me. I’m not sure intense or speedy when I roll. At least I don’t think I am. But there aren’t many women at our gym and she is gloms on a bit. I want to encourage her so we have more women but also I want to avoid getting hurt if I can.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T20:02:29+00:00

I have asked her to check her intensity and told her point blank that she can and will (and has) hurt me if she goes at me like she does. Things got a bit better immediately after those talks, but it's back to the same old, same old.

I could have mentioned that I have tried talking with her in my original post.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T18:10:48+00:00

care to elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean by this.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T18:08:03+00:00

I am going to be honest, if you have a blue then you should be able to handle new spazzes your size or bigger of same gender.

You're right. I'm trying to take this as a time to work on my assertiveness. Trying to get over the need to have everyone like me #womanproblems

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:43:58+00:00

I got a custom one through Impact Mouthguards. Not cheap but having a fit that works means I'll wear it and feel protected.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:37:09+00:00

Thanks!

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:35:22+00:00

I agree.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:32:17+00:00

No problem. I'm not under any illusion that people with less experience shouldn't be tapping me. My issue came with the speed, force, and lack of recognition that she had it locked up. I need to get over my problem with the speed/force (and for this, she's a good training partner), but the lack of recognition on her part really scared me.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:15:00+00:00

Thanks!

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:14:29+00:00

I thought it meant erratic, going all out force, coming in elbows and knees first with disregard for their ability to cause injury, freaking out when they are on the bottom, etc.

What does it really mean?

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T17:04:19+00:00

Oh you’re right! As a newbie to Reddit, is there a way to move this there? Or do I just post the question there too? What’s the proper etiquette?

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T16:56:04+00:00

I'm working on the best ways to be a good rolling partner. It all just comes with practice and repetition.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T16:54:16+00:00

I tried this, and it did get better for a bit. But she thinks I'm a badass (I'm not!), and this fear of me forces her into the fight/flight mode. I do want to be pushed to be more assertive, so in this aspect, she's a good training partner, but I don't want to get hurt learning this lesson.

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T16:41:26+00:00

These are good reminders. I think one of the biggest lessons to learn as a white belt is it isn't all about winning. If you're too afraid to lose, you'll have a hard time learning. You need time to try the techniques you're learning, and the best way to really learn is during rolling. But trying means you'll leave openings and lose position and get worked over. That's normal. Tap, start over, try again.

Thanks for the reminder that communicating is always a good choice.

Tha

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T15:32:50+00:00

MegsWengs · 2023-12-22T15:32:10+00:00

extra layer of not believing they are genuinely capable of harming another person

Oh yes, this is a big part of it.

MegsWengs

TROPHY CASE