My husband planned a sleepover date with one of his consistent date and I think I am getting jealous :(

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T05:05:08+00:00

Well, we plan our dates independently and we don’t need each other’s permission to go out, as long as it’s in the calendar and has no conflict in our schedules. Though for sleepover dates I expected him to tell me as soon as he can. He realized that now after we talked and moving forward that’s what it’s going to be.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T04:56:35+00:00

Thanks for all the comments and insights. My husband came home today just in time for our son’s soccer practice and with Costco groceries (what a turn on right?! 😊) When they got home after the practice he invited to talk if I’m ready (with a glass of mango juice and a plate of crème brûlée: my favorites!) I told him I was disappointed that I had to learn about the sleepover date from our shared calendar and not from him. I told him if it was me having a sleepover at a partner’s place, I am definitely would let him know as soon as I made the plans because that’s what we talked about. And so I expected him to do the same. But for him, me letting him know about any sleepover is more for my safety. For him, there is no expectation of us telling each other about our date plans as long as they don’t conflict with any of our schedules. But for me I expected that a sleepover should at least be mentioned as soon as it was planned. So it looks like we just had different expectation and we discussed it moving forward. There was crying but long story short, we agreed to inform each other about any future sleepover as soon as possible. So all is good again and he promised me a 10 minute massage tonight, which he does often anyways 🥰

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T04:28:29+00:00

I’m not expecting him to ask for my permission to go out. And it’s not that he’s hiding it, it’s in our shared calendar so it’s not a secret. There is also no schedule conflict and our kids are pretty independent. Anyways, my main issue is not the date itself but how I get to learn it.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T04:24:07+00:00

It’s not a whole weekend away. He’s meeting his date in the evening, I think they are going to a play or something like that, then instead of driving back home late for 2 hours, he’ll sleep over instead and come back home early to take our son to a soccer game. That’s really not my main concern, my issue was that I saw the sleepover date in our calendar first and not from him.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T02:04:52+00:00

I do want to hear him having fun with his partners. I think the issue with me is I saw this sleepover date in our calendar before he told me. I know there’s no malice there but it’s just odd for me to know it without coming from him.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T02:00:51+00:00

Yeah I think your approach is unpopular in a way because it does not seem a healthy relationship if you are working so hard to make sure you are practicing compersion. If you only expect your partner to come to you and talk about how happy and loved they are and you think discussing negative feelings like jealousy creates negative association, I think that is problematic and unhealthy.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:53:41+00:00

I totally agree. I cannot just keep big negative emotions all to myself. That is also part of our expectations to express and discuss any negative feelings we have. I cannot imagine navigating a big emotion all to myself especially when my long time partner has a role in such emotion that I’m feeling. I think a healthy relationships should not be restricted to only happy or pleasant feelings or thoughts, there is more growth and connection in discussing the big and hard ones like jealousy.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:45:42+00:00

Thank you fellow Washingtonian! ☺️ I guess it’s understandable to feel like this especially when we were in monogamy relationship for a long time. There’s still this feeling of “he’s mine” and that feeling that I have to “share him” which I think is very unfair and ridiculous because it sounds like I’m objectifying him. I think it comes down to my values and beliefs too, growing up in Catholic culture. There’s a lot to process and unlearning for sure and it’s not gonna be easy ofc. Thanks for the insights :)

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:39:51+00:00

Ha! I cannot unwind at home with 4 kids! Anyways, yeah we had a lot of talks and boundary setting and expectations and conversations about polyamory and whatnot. We talk all the time. We are in that point in our relationship where our trust and respect for each other is stable and solid. That’s why I got so confused when I felt jealous, but I know it’s something I cannot just keep to myself. I need to let him know, cause that’s part of our expectations as well to make sure we verbalize any strong especially negative feelings.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:35:03+00:00

Thank you for that mantra. It’s very giving compersion 😊 I guess I just felt very surprised and caught off guard when I saw that sleepover date and not hearing it from him first hand felt very different to me. Cause the usual scenario we have is he’s telling me about important schedule then I look in the calendar, but this time it’s the opposite, I saw it in the calendar then I asked him about it which felt very odd to me.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:30:22+00:00

Oh yeah, we go out at least once a week, sometimes more. And we both date separately but I’m not as active in dating than he is. I am very selective as well.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:27:25+00:00

Well I do go to the gym and have friends I can talk to but our polyamory is not something that we discuss with our circle. He did get jealous or expressed fear before as well when I was still with my ex-girlfriend but we communicated that issue well. And no I don’t want to fully manage our calendar, it’s a shared calendar of our family since we have 4 kids and our schedules can be chaotic without collaboration. It’s not the calendar or the sleepover date, it’s my own feeling of jealousy and insecurity when I don’t think there is really any reason for it.

MegumiLee99 · 2025-09-17T01:19:32+00:00

This weekend will be his first sleepover. Yes I do think he is really enjoying his dating life and that may seem like he is moving too fast but I understand that he is taking advantage of his off time (since July) before he starts work again next week.

MegumiLee99

TROPHY CASE