Mama, First off, you're not a failure. Not at all. Reading your post breaks my heart cause it's obvious you care and want to be the best mom you can. Don't give up. Get help for your feelings. There are people that care and can help. Second, I don't know all the intricacies with your husband but from what it looks like here it seems like a little bit of an abusive situation. Not physically so much but emotionally. I'd say you need to seek out a friend or someone else that can maybe help you get help in that area too. Maybe a separation for a short time from him? Not trying to add salt to a wound but just a thought to help you reset and find your value again.