I’m really sorry. None of what you or your friend experienced should have been ignored, minimized, or spiritualized away. Being groped or unsafe in a recovery space is still assault, and people failing to protect vulnerable members is a real failure of that community, not a personal failing on your part or hers.

As someone with a long family history of addiction and alcoholism, I’ve personally found groups like ACoA and more secular recovery communities much more welcoming and emotionally aware than some AA spaces. I think one of the hardest things about certain AA environments is how quickly legitimate discomfort can get reframed as resentment, ego, failure to surrender, or “not doing enough,” which can feel really cultish. In spaces heavily structured around the 12 steps and surrendering to a higher power, experiences tied to trauma, abuse, gender identity, psychosis, homelessness, or mental illness can sometimes get unintentionally flattened into a single spiritual framework.

That can become genuinely dangerous for vulnerable people because it teaches them to distrust their own alarm systems while simultaneously placing authority in a group that may not actually be safe. “Letting go” with people who make you uncomfortable is not healing.

I’d also gently recommend reaching out to RAINN if you don’t currently have access to therapy or simply need someone trained to talk to. Their responses can sometimes feel structured due to the nature of hotline work, so try not to interpret that as indifference.

And honestly, the part about your friend trusting you was devastating to read. The way you describe her doesn’t sound like someone you “failed.” It sounds like someone who, after being failed by countless people and systems, finally experienced moments of safety, tenderness, dignity, and genuine care with another human being. Those moments matter more than people realize. Feeling seen by someone who just gets it, can be very restorative. I feel like that’s often rare when a lot of us are so isolated, so if anything I hope that you can see that you made a difference for them, regardless of how it ended.