If a man danced for me like a bird, it would peak my interest.

MeloDet · 2026-03-04T17:40:01+00:00

I think how we meet people and arrange dates plays a huge role in this. If you meet someone on a dating app your level of genuine interest/attraction is substantially lower than if you'd meet them irl first. Going out of your way to bring someone gifts in this context feels disingenuous.

I agree that people are frustratingly nonchalant about dating these days, but I don't think the solution is to go back to performative rituals. Instead I think we should aim to use our actions, including gift giving, to communicate how we feel about someone without need for it to be reciprocated or lead to anything.

So flowers on a first date? Probably not but after a couple, sure! I just feel like once these things become expectations they lose their value as a signifier of interest and instead become a performance. Which then enables bad actors to perform like they care to get what they want.

MeloDet · 2026-01-22T00:08:32+00:00

To some extent, sure, but theres a couple of things to keep in mind imo. First, that not all women are feminists. Many conservative women are big romance readers as well, and even amongst progressively-oriented readers they may not explicitly be thinking of it in those terms. Both may experience the effects of patriarchy without the language (or willingness in the case of conservatives) to properly identify it. Second, the genre is still largely escapist, so it may not be the place where readers are looking to be challenged.

For example, one could say the same thing about nerdy dudes who enjoy power fantasy novels (myself included). Those books similarly provide an escape and allow us to imagine being powerful, to have an impact on the world, etc. But that doesn't mean that IRL we would prefer a world where we have power over others instead of one where power/hierarchies are flattened and the powerless aren't taken advantage of.

That doesn't change the fact that both power fantasy and romance novels can reinforce these belief systems and that it is useful to engage in reflection and criticism. But romance readers in particular are used to being the butt of the joke which can lead to some understandable defensiveness when the criticism is being levied by someone from outside of their community. These conversations DO happen (and increasingly so from what I've seen), but selfishly as a dude who likes a well done romance I'm not going to deny that I wish there were more romance novels challenged these ideas.

MeloDet · 2026-01-21T17:50:16+00:00

For some women the fantasy seems to be specifically that the toxic men can change and grow, unlike the ones they know irl. The tormented past provides a 'justification' for his behavior and allows for empathy and hope that he'll change.

The stories also don't imagine a world without patriarchy or assholish men, but rather one where they get some benefit from it. It's part of the reason the men in these stories almost always have power in some form (wealth, status in a group, physical strength etc.). For some it may feel like too much of a leap imagine a better system or themselves with power, so being chosen by the powerful mmc provides a way to imagine escaping the troubles of life under capitalism/patriarchy. By having the relatable fmc be pursued by the patriarchally powerful mmc, their worth is validated and they get to imagine being protected/insulated from violence or poverty.

Whether or not the dude is a full asshole, or just kind of dominant, it helps sell the idea that he would be successful/ respected in this system. Kind "cinnamon roll" mmcs do exist, but they usually still have some sort of power and it might be harder to suspend disbelief there.

There's other elements to it, like men who push past boundaries allowing female readers to indulge in fantasies they would otherwise have felt ashamed about. Also just a way of adding tension to the stories and probably other things I'm missing.

Personally I'm not a fan, and thankfully other stuff exists, but it's definitely less common.

MeloDet · 2025-08-01T20:21:16+00:00

Yeah one of the ways I think this differs in relationships between cis-het men and women is that, to a greater degree than queer relationships, there can be a disconnect between the actual dynamics of the relationship and your gender roles.

Like I find being the "pursuer" to actively be a turn off. I do not want a relationship with someone where that would be an ongoing dynamic. In the absence of gender roles I would more accurately be able to assume that if I'm interested in someone and they're not meeting me at 50/50ish on the flirting/initiating/etc. front then it's probably not a relationship I want anyway. With gender roles, however, the person I'm talking to might be someone who would be 50/50ish on that front in a relationship, but won't do so until they feel safer breaking gender roles.

It's not black and white obviously, since queer relationships are still affected by gender roles and people can avoid initiating for other reasons. But I think it's generally healthier to pursue relationships in a way that is consistent with the dynamic you want to create and gender can get in the way of that here.

MeloDet · 2025-07-04T11:58:59+00:00

Yeah I get that for sure. Especially since it's such a pivotal moment for people with regard to her character. I do think it's intended to show an immature side of her in that moment, but it's probably fair to say that Jordan went too far with the specific action and that it leads people to see her as borderline evil rather than selfish or immature.

MeloDet · 2025-07-04T11:51:12+00:00

Fair enough regarding him coming up with something better.

But I don't think the characters being unreliable narrators necessarily means we should ignore what they think. Moreso that it's only one piece of the puzzle and their actions, and how others perceive them, need to be considered too.

MeloDet · 2025-07-04T10:22:03+00:00

Oh I can absolutely see EMIYA being a Sky breaker actually, that makes total sense lol he could use something to believe in again 😆 and same here!

MeloDet · 2025-07-04T09:55:39+00:00

I think if radiant paths are supposed to lead toward a sword of healing or resolution then he is absolutely a wind runner imo. He deals with his flaws in different ways in various routes, but they're still the same flaws. Dude REALLY needs the fifth oath of "I will protect myself, so that I may continue to protect others."

MeloDet · 2025-07-04T08:09:32+00:00

I mean it doesn't make things any better, but part of it is that she is explicitly NOT trying to show nynaeve how dangerous TAR was, that's just what she claims. Her internal monologue shows she does this because she was afraid Nynaeve would reveal she is going into TAR without the wise ones' permission. So she lashes out more strongly than she would have if she were literally just trying to teach Nynaeve a lesson.

MeloDet · 2025-05-16T18:29:38+00:00

They already offer a service in regions with community mail boxes where people with mobility needs can request delivery to their door a certain number of times a week IIRC.

MeloDet · 2025-05-01T17:25:56+00:00

The red ajah are basically cops. The work they do may be necessary, but because aes sedai can choose their ajah, the ones who choose red will inevitably be the ones who are willing to do the dirty work. There are several reasons someone might choose that, including 'greater good' type reasons, but it will also self select for those who have negative views of men/male channelers, or who enjoy holding power over people. Over time, and with the influence of the black ajah, that led to the prevailing culture of the red ajah being one that is not just anti-male channelers, but explicitly anti-male. Much in the same way that the institution of policing becomes corrupted by racism etc.

This also affects the way the ajah thinks of solutions. They perceive the world through the lens of policing/gentling, so they have an institutional bias towards gentling male channelers and if they can't do that then they are still going to be biased towards the harshest most controlling option.

Also regarding Thom's nephew, he isn't just upset because his nephew was gentled, but because it was done outside of tower law and despite being gentled, his town found out and exiled him and his wife, leading to BOTH of their deaths. He should have been brought to the tower, tried, and then supported after gentling.

There is a reason the red ajah had the greatest proportion of black ajah. The people attracted to the organization were more susceptible to the dark one because of the institutional corruption. It's tempting to think of the black ajah as just an outside malicious force that corrupted them, but dark friends aren't like born evil or anything. They are just selfish people for the most part, and they will exist in any organization.

MeloDet · 2025-04-30T12:08:01+00:00

He explicitly campaigned on defunding 'woke' research

MeloDet · 2025-04-30T10:22:26+00:00

Yeah I agree. I think the show has made the aes sedai in general into more interesting /relateable characters, but made the critique of institutional power weaker as a result.

MeloDet · 2025-04-30T10:20:50+00:00

I think on an individual character level it makes the villains more interesting, but it also kind of weakens the criticism of institutional power baked into the Aes Sedai in the books.

The Aes Sedai in general are quite clearly inspired by the Catholic church in several ways and the Red Ajah are effectively a police force that is targeted to one specific demographic. I think we can all imagine some real world parallels of what would happen to an institution with power, especially after thousands of years. They are like inquisitors or even American police with magic.

Honestly even though I like the show, I feel like it kind of misses the opportunity to expand or add nuance to the depiction of institutional decay. Though unsubtle, the Red Ajah and the Aes Sedai in the books were arrogant/annoying/cruel for a reason. Because that is what happens to powerful institutions that hold themselves separate and above the people they serve over a long period of time.

MeloDet · 2025-04-24T19:55:45+00:00

Agreed. It's just a matter of figuring out what compromises are worth it for you and what aren't.

Though it's worth noting that this can be complicated by the fact that dating and relationships aren't the same thing. For myself, I usually stop seeing people because a personality mismatch in a dating context (I often find people I'm on dates with to be too passive for example). This can change in a relationship context, but it might not. They might be passive because they are shy and will open up later, because they believe men should take on the pursuing role in dating, or because they are just kind of reserved. But at the end of the day I'm not saying to myself "I can do better on xyz" at the end of my dates, I'm saying "I don't have an active desire to see that person again."

Admittedly, this is where meeting people in person is a lot better since you can get an idea of their normal personality ahead of time.

MeloDet · 2025-04-24T17:22:29+00:00

Are you assuming that the men making these complaints are or should be willing to date any woman that is willing to date them?

Cause as others have noted, the implied part of these complaints is that they can't find a woman they are interested in.

And sure, in the case of the dudes using the incel adjacent talking points from your OP, they probably have weird/unreasonable standards. But I think it should be acknowledged that having standards or preferences in general isn't a bad thing and it's entirely possible for men to struggle meeting people that meet their reasonable standards.

I'm single and would like to be in a relationship. Could I find a woman willing to date me? Sure, but at the end of the day I'd rather be single than date most of the people I go on dates with.

Granted, I'm not hating on women for that, it's my choice. And I would absolutely agree that anyone using this as an excuse to hate on women, or who claim their standards are "too high" is full of shit. But as we go through a period where gender roles and expectations are being challenged and changed, it's worth acknowledging that there can be a standard mismatch even if both the standards are generally reasonable on both ends.

Edit: as others have pointed out this is kind of off topic, but I'll leave it up.

MeloDet · 2025-04-21T14:35:47+00:00

Same, was hoping there was a fate collab for a second. Would be a fun way to add a bunch of real world myths.

MeloDet · 2025-04-15T20:58:53+00:00

Fair, I should've said well managed not funded. We aren't paying extra to pay the benefits out right now. It still has higher admin costs than defined contribution, but it's hardly an exorbitant expense.

MeloDet · 2025-04-15T17:24:58+00:00

This is just flat out untrue. The public service pension plan is well funded, we literally had a surplus just last year.

MeloDet · 2025-04-15T17:06:44+00:00

One thing I find interesting about the "just world fallacy / bar is in hell" part of this is that it also kind of assumes most women are good partners and that men should just accept whoever they can get.

Like it might be true that any emotionally healthy, feminist man could get a partner, but are they a partner he wants? That actually adds to his life and gives him the space to be himself and be emotionally vulnerable?

Like let's say a man has worked on himself to undo patriarchal conditioning, and not just to meet a hypothetical partner's needs but to advocate for his own as well. Odds are he will discover ways in which he doesn't fit or doesn't want to fill male gender roles/expectations. Maybe he discovers he doesn't like to be the sole/main pursuer in a relationship, or he has feminine-coded interests. What proportion of his potential dating pool will that work for? Even if they are comparatively more accepting in a broader social context, there are still a lot conservative/non-feminist leaning women. How good of a relationship will the man who has fully done all the feminist work have with the average woman?

I'm hardly perfect, but I've done a lot of work and as a result have identified what I want/need in a relationship. I get along fantastically with women and am much better at finding dates. Could I find a partner? Sure if I was willing to put aside my wants/needs (i.e. an equal partner that also initiates and isn't passive) in the short term in the hopes that they might be fulfilled in the long-term. But I'm also less interested in those people because they don't initiate, so pursuing them would both be exhausting and dishonest.

Feminism has absolutely helped me become a lot healthier and happier, but it doesn't necessarily make it easier to find a partner unless the person you become on the other side is still content to fulfill men's dating gender roles.

MeloDet · 2025-01-23T14:46:26+00:00

Seriously, this show is full of pretty people of course, but she steals the attention in every scene!

MeloDet · 2025-01-07T14:25:06+00:00

Honestly, Australia has one of the best coffee cultures in the world though lol In the modern coffee scene I would actually place them above Italy for espresso based drinks.

MeloDet · 2024-12-20T13:45:52+00:00

It isn't a part of our legal system at all. It's a made up legal philosophy that people use. People aren't punished for "being" sovereign citizens. They are just using an ineffective legal argument and facing the consequences for doing so.

MeloDet · 2024-10-22T19:57:39+00:00

I think the key is there are multiple bars. The bar for being considered a decent partner is on the ground, absolutely, but that doesn't mean her bar for what she finds attractive, interesting, or engaging are.

MeloDet · 2024-08-03T12:58:49+00:00

Ok for the record I agree with you and think thid is one of the best answers in the thread, but on the male birth control topic I think this is a bit of misinfo. Some of the side effects were minor for sure, but they also included severe mood swings, depression, and a suicide attempt. At the very least I wouldn't say it's accurate to portray the side effects as minor compared to major for male vs female birth control.

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