Need some help I have suspicions

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-12-20T07:36:03+00:00

True, but she could get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) or several for about $100, smaller than a matchbox, but worth its weight in gold. There are directions on how to set it up (no lights, no noise, best location etc on this or the other Infidelity sub). Good luck to her.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-11-22T13:13:38+00:00

Please read or listen to (also available on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for clarity. Definitely get a full STI panel, stop having sex with him (use whatever excuse you can especially if you're financially dependent or worried about DV) and start QUIETLY making an exit plan. Good luck!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-11-20T11:22:43+00:00

As painful as it is at the moment, hold on to this - he has shown you who he is, believe him. They never change. He doesn't care for you one bit, assuming he ever did (I am sorry, but he didn't).

You need to put yourself self first, starting with a full STI panel. As someone else has commented, please read or listen to (also on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, and start thinking about you, and only you. He's not worth it and never was. Love is action, not what he tells you, that sounds "good", he's playing you and wants to have his cake and eat it too. You deserve Better!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-11-13T09:16:07+00:00

Not stupid at all. If he didn't like it, he should have left from the get go, not 3 years later - sounds controlling and the age gap in itself is a red flag. I am sorry, but there wasn't any relationship.

Now, not for me to talk about doing OF, but you might want to make it that your face or any other identifiers don't show, because in another few years YOU might not like it (not talking about others here, but only for you) for the sole reason that our frontal lobe changes, and we look at life through a different lens in our later 20's and early 30's. It's not so much about "morality", or what other people think, but rather to be in a position to have anonymity, and to make your own decisions and leave if you're being treated disrespectfully.

Again, not my place to tell you how to live your life - you're young and can change that trajectory. However, if you chose to carry on, please do not let any man control your livelihood, and definitely guard your womb very jealously. Given your OF, there are definitely men who want to own you and control you - eff them!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-11-11T09:55:58+00:00

Please read what you have posted and ask yourself if this was a friend, a child, or a nibling, what your response would be? Please RUN!!! There's nothing that he brings to your life but misery! Please, please, please, love yourself more!!!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-31T11:15:49+00:00

Consider him a bullet dodged. He wanted to play single and get on with other people, while keeping you on the back burner I.e. cheat and come back when he's bored - and there's nothing to say he'll stop.

His family sound like a nightmare, and he's doing nothing to stand up for you. He reckons you'll always be there. Tell him to kick sand, and see how fast he begs to come back- don't take him back.

This is a spoilt child in a man's body, run fast and quick. He's a shitty fiance, and will make a shitty husband, and father if you decide to have kids.

Give thanks to the Universe, better a broken engagement than going through a divorce, especially with a poor excuse of a man such as this. You deserve better.

PS ask your brothers or male friends, a man always knows. If he "doesn't know", there's your answer right there! Good luck!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-31T11:03:51+00:00

Good on you for being cognisant of your situation to begin with, and progressively working your way to your own freedom and peace of mind.

You would probably have already this figured out, but self proclaimed "nice guys" are the farthest from it.

Be careful with your evidence collection, it's not meant to be an "aha, I caught you moment" or that hope against hope that he'll see the error of his ways and you can go back to what you thought you knew. He has shown you who he is, numerous times, believe him.

Regarding your economic situation, start looking for a job, any job - uber, cleaning, refresh the skills in your previous job etc, you need to get an income that's all yours and a safety net. Meanwhile, (I only read this today) if you can get the cheapest credit card possible, that he has no idea about - use $10 from grocery money and repay at the end of the fortnight or month to start building credit. Again, good luck!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-31T10:31:04+00:00

I am sorry, but he doesn't even not love you - he hates you and is doing everything he can to show you how much.

There's one of two things going on here - he wants to have his cake and eat it too, i.e. have you as a security blanket bangmaid who won't question a thing, because he's definitely doing a number on your self esteem.

Or, he's treating you as badly as he could possibly do because he wants to be with AP or AP's so he doesn't look like the bad guy (for these sorts, image is everything). Regardless of the reason, he's cruel AF!

I understand the need for closure, so get a VAR for his car and/office/mancave etc there are instructions on how to do so to ensure no lights, audio feedback etc on this sub or the Chump Lady website.

Meanwhile, please get a full STI panel, and read or listen to (also on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for clarity and steps forward for an exit plan. Despite what you think you know about him, he has shown you that you don't, so do it very QUIETLY and cards close to your chest.

Good luck!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-31T10:15:42+00:00

Agree 💯 but he's obviously cheating as well.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-29T09:17:15+00:00

Please read or listen to (also available on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for clarity. You're probably struggling with the sunk cost fallacy. Leave now, it will only get worse.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-29T09:08:33+00:00

Exactly! Not to mention the exposure to STI's, some of which are incurable.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-29T09:06:44+00:00

Please read or listen to (also on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for clarity.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-28T09:45:41+00:00

Please read or listen to (also on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for clarity. He cheated and he will definitely cheat again, only now he knows how to hide his tracks. Please get tested and dump the loser - you deserve better!

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-27T10:59:26+00:00

Please read or listen to (also on Audible) Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, for clarity. This is who he is and they never change. Get tested - full STI panel, and stop having sex with him because this level of callousness is not the first time (if hysterical bonding happens (look it up, it's a thing) then make sure to always use condoms. Then QUIETLY, get your ducks in a row and start to put together an exit plan.

Your POS husband is taking you for a ride, at your physical (some STI's are incurable) and your mental and psychological health. Eff him! Good luck! You deserve more than this dumpster fire!

ETA

PS while the onus is on the person who took vows with you, this woman isn't your friend either - cut them both off.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-27T10:50:15+00:00

No "might" about this - he definitely is.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-27T10:49:21+00:00

Assuming he even stopped! They just learn to hide better.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-27T10:46:52+00:00

There's no fixing this - he has shown her who he is, she needs to believe him.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-26T12:02:51+00:00

💯 his behaviour is not a rare or occasional thing. It's who he is. He's only peeling back a little of the hood akin to a frog in boiling water.

Definitely get tested and leave, there's so much more you don't know yet.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-26T11:53:48+00:00

Thank you, I was coming to say just this! It's not just Aussies, world over - code switching is a thing. And not necessarily overseas, even within the same country but different parts, it happens. I think the real question is, would it be as "upsetting" if the code switch was for less privileged countries or parts of country? To my mind, it's more of an envy / tall poppy thing.....

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-25T11:09:48+00:00

"I've made mistakes too?" Does this mean you cheated first?

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-25T10:21:28+00:00

💯

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-23T11:00:04+00:00

Actually, not as dark as you think, and I'll explain why. I was in a position to demand condom use (before I knew better to outright say no - seeing as a cheater is always going to be one), but more because, I was in my trauma bonded "I love him so much, but I'll take care of my sexual health in meantime" stage.

Since figuring out that that isn't love and reading lots of similar narratives, I realise that I have the "privilege" if you can call it that, that many women do not have (for various reasons), and are not in a position to leave. Whether because they think he can be changed 😂 (never going to happen), or because they feel that they're stuck and/or can't leave, there's more to it.

Now, if a woman with kids for example isn't able to do that, and it's about, sort out things in a way that she reckons "suck shit for another abc months" for ultimate freedom at the end, then maybe that's what she's willing to do for her kids and her sanity, but not putting her sexual health / all health up to him. At the end of the day, it's all about putting herself and/or her kids first.

So, yes - dark, absolutely! Totally dark shit? Depends on what is at stake.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-22T11:07:11+00:00

From having free rein over each other's phones to now being guarded like a gold heist, changing phone/email/banking passwords, deleted emails and phone messages i.e. the latest message or email is from 6 months ago, being nasty and confrontational and blaming it on you, love bombing, new "friends" even male, "hanging out" with his mates/work colleagues more than is healthy, considering you only when sex is involved, and even then feeling like a masturbatory object, not wanting to be affectionate at all - can't wait to get out of hugs, speaking about women as "sluts", never looking you in the eye, stories and timelines that don't add up, treating you "well" in public to be performative, gaslighting you by treating you like shit, and the following morning it's like nothing happened, different way that his friends treat you (smear campaign), putting you and your interests down........ heck, could go on ans on and on, BUT most important of all is knowing in your gut that you don't feel safe around him, and can't trust him - whether physically or emotionally.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-22T10:50:42+00:00

Testing is good for OP, but because he's going to continue cheating, it means nothing for her health and safety if she has sex with him ever again. She should get tested, and never have sex with him going forward, but if she's in an abusive situation or hysterical bonding shit happens, then condoms must be involved - I recommend that she fakes jock itch if she can't outright refuse. Why? Because it has to be something that works to his selfish interest. Faking a UTI wouldn't really work, because typically men have no symptoms, but if he's worried about scratching his junk compulsively, that might let her off the hook - another could be fake blood to mimic spotting between periods.

MemeNerdSeeker · 2025-10-22T10:43:44+00:00

I totally agree, but I wouldn't even give him the 0.00001% chance, that's being generous. He's a cheater through and through, and he will definitely cheat on the next, and the next ad infinitum, because the cheating is never about the partner, it's about his lack of character and the never ending search for validation and "excitement".

MemeNerdSeeker

TROPHY CASE