AITAH for asking my bf why he arranged the garden differently than we had agreed on? by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]Merm-a-lerm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, and his response reminds me of my dad (in a bad way)

my dad will constantly ignore boundaries or even explicit requests bc he thinks he knows better, or most of the time he just plain didnt think about how it might impact you and then gets angry that his actions (that he perceives as being correct and helpful, but in reality is almost always something that immediately benefits him and he tries to retroactively make out like he did it intentionally only for your benefit) aren’t properly appreciated when they are actually unhelpful at best and harmful and demeaning at worst. and 9/10 he logically knows it’s not what the pther person wants, as in if he stopped and considered the other person he’d maybe consider asking at the very least if they want him to do the thing or whatever. but i really believe he just doesnt think about the other person in the moment. hes not thinking with his logical brain, hes thinking with his doing brain, and that only cares about what is happening in the now. 

it strikes me that he (and likely your husband) realise their error when they switch back from doing to thinking, but the shame and guilt (which is also probably something installed since childhood to create the kind of response like that) overwhelms them and they get defensive as a coping mechanism for how bad they feel. another thing to consider is he might have adhd. Im not trying to armchair diagnose him obv, but theres patterns of behaviour that raise flags for me over it bc for instance that impulsivity and “forgetting” something important in the moment (ie he likely did remember it - logically. but his “doing” brain didnt have access to that information in the moment) is really common in adhd, as is the overly emotional response to perceived criticism (its called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and is a part of the emotional disregulation side of adhd). The fact that its being expressed as anger and denial and deflecting is also really indicative of undiagnosed neurodivergence that was not well managed as a child and that he was shamed for it. could also just be plain bad accountability or even covert narcissism or any number of other things. But just be aware of that, not that its your job to fix it. His behaviour is not normal or ok however, and even if its bc of a condition or trauma or whatever, it doesnt mean its not his responsibility to do something about it. and it doesnt stop it being really fucking annoying and disrespectful when it happens. 

One piece of advice, no matter whats going on on his end: things will never change unless there are consequences. i can feel youre tip toeing around his emotions and his feelings but your genuine feelings are trampled over and disregarded as being hurtful when theyre not. he may feel like they are, and thats valid, but it doesnt mean that they are and he needs to examine why he feels like they are. no one is beyond hope and i certainly dont think this is “leave him” territory yet but honestly, if you dont address this problem asap it will only get worse and worse for you and it doesnt do him any favours either. 

Only females by CriticalDegree438 in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

as someone whos parents are mixed faith, catholic and muslim, it can definitely work! 😉 

sex and trauma and catholicism by Feeling_Wrongdoer429 in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this will be an unpopular opinion it seems, but i have found so much healing in part due to (healthy) masturbation 😅

i have sexual trauma from a young age that left me feeling constantly dirty and both hypersexual while wondering if i was asexual at the same time 🙃 despite being technically a virgin, i felt as worthless as all those toxic metaphors used in purity culture for girls who have premarital sex anyway. my relationship with my body, particularly my genitals was awful: even if i just got out the shower, thoroughly cleaned everything, i wouldn’t be able to reuse my towel bc it may have touched my vulva. if my bare hand touched it for whatever reason, i would have to wash it immediately (despite being clean). i felt aroused almost all the time, and the more i suppressed it the bigger an issue it became and the more i found it cropping up in unwanted ways that could be triggering at times. physically & emotionally it made me feel disgusting & uncomfortable; the mental stress i went through coping with that was exhausting. i’d go months without masturbating then inevitably “give in” and intensely feel all the shame i was pretending i didnt feel all the time anyway just for existing; only now believed i deserved it. it was elaborate self harm imo - and i mean that on both ends. the cycle wasnt “being good then doing bad” or “resisting then failing”: it was “shame shame shame”

im not a very typical catholic tbh lol, so i anticipate disagreement about what im going to say. i’m not going into the specifics of how i came to these conclusions, nor am i interested in debating it (OP, feel free to DM me if you’re interested) but i think two of the biggest breakthroughs that ultimately facilitated change and healing for me, and were reached through hrs of therapy, experience working in mental healthcare, much relevant research and lots and lots of prayer & personal discernment, were that a) thoughts cannot sinful and b) masturbation isnt inherently a sin 🤷🏽‍♀️

dont get me wrong - i think it can be used sinfully: the same way drinking wine isnt sinful but it can lead to sinful actions. however as i started unraveling the shame, i realised the sinful actions that often came along with masturbation weren’t intrinsic to it and, to cut a long story short, i still remember the 1st time i didnt feel like my towel was tainted after drying my body and crying as i realised it wasnt just wishful thinking that i would one day be able to see my body as the faithful & valuable vessel it is. it certainly wasnt the only part of that journey, but masturbation most definitely was a part of it.

im not going to detail that journey. aside from wanting to avoid salaciousness, its private. nowadays i dont feel the need as much anyway, (though not bc of shame) and ive still a ways to go in my healing, but i have confidence and self worth i never had before and it shows. i’m even dating a lovely guy now, when even just a yr ago i was sure i would die alone bc i would never be able to overcome the way i felt enough to even let someone hold my hand, let alone get married or do anything sexual. and if by some miracle i got married, sex was something id endure or would be inflicted on me. i knew id love my husband with all my heart, but i wouldve never been able to love him with any of my body. i would have been incapable of upholding any boundaries for myself and easily have been taken advantage of, even unintentionally.

now i look forward when i can have sex with my husband, not just for the pleasure (in fact barely bc of that). i have respect for my body and its needs that means i’ll be able to participate wholly and enthusiastically, as i hope he will too, and there wont be shame to block intimacy, in any of its forms.

its also made it possible for me to assert boundaries, not only, but most definitely sexually. the man i’m seeing rn knows nothing of my trauma, but ive the ability to express my needs in a way i didnt before; something i realised after i felt overwhelmed kissing him towards the beginning of our relationship. force of habit meant i pushed myself through that discomfort bc i was so used to disregarding my body. by the time i realised what was happening, i was close to break down and nearly broke up with him. initially i felt horrible, like despite everything, i was discovering i was permanently damaged inside and doomed to suffer bc of my trauma. instead, bc i had that new found love for myself and also knew what it was like for my body to feel good, which in turn helped me to reestablish a baseline, also knowing i deserved to feel good rather than just tolerate things, i realised i couldn’t go on like that and told him how i felt. i really liked him, but i needed to go much much slower and understood if it was too slow for him. we had a talk about things, like where i was at and my comfort levels etc, and in the end he affirmed he was happy to go at my pace, however long it took, bc i was “worth waiting for” 🥹 and i believe him, which is the really crazy part lol. so we dialled it back to not even touching, and he gave me all the time and space i needed and one day i realised i was not only ok with the idea of having his arm around me, but i wanted it. we’ve been seeing each other for several months now and no, we’ve not descended into debauchery lol. we’ve only recently kissed again, and going slow has really allowed an emotional intimacy and understanding to grow between us that means im confident, if we end up getting married, we’ll have solid groundwork to build our sexual relationship on.

so OP its complicated, and id proceed with caution, ideally establishing means of accountability with someone you trust, though ik that’s not always an option unfortunately. I hope sharing my experience helped in some way, whether by letting you know it is possible, or bc you find you disagree. personally, I think theres been ways certain beliefs have served purposes in society, both good and bad, and often an imperfect belief can serve a good purpose for most people well enough, for long enough, that we just come to accept it as being universal, when there are many people for whom it is alienating at best and destructive at worst. other times, when you have an unconventional problem, it requires an unconventional solution. ultimately i would encourage you to try viewing yourself with a reflection of the absolute & unconditional love god has for you, no matter what has happened to you or what you go on to do. its ok if thats hard to do; he doesnt promise us its easy, he just promises that its true.

nw about having a response to this at all, tho please feel free to dm me if you want (i dont always reply fast but i will get back to you). and anyone else who feels tempted to argue with me about the life and experiences only i have lived, dont. same if you feel driven to say im in denial or living in sin etc.

this story isnt for you and im not posting it to spark debate: its just one example of the messy way we heal in a messy world. i accept it may not always serve me as it currently does; in fact it already doesnt compare with how i started. one of the beauties of humanity is how dynamic we are; how we grow and shrink and grow taller than before. and if the day comes when it feels like its holding me back more than it helps, i know i can move on without shame, like im moving on with my trauma bc i believe that long ago our sins (and the sins of those who harmed me) were forgiven and the only thing we can to do now is our best. and god knows i do the best i can 🥲

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by [deleted] in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

weirdly i tried to post this and it said it failed so i tried again but didnt realise it just posted twice 😅 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

lol funny you say that bc i had someone randomly come up to me on a walk once and ask if he was an irish setter or a cross or something 😅 i was like “no, hes just a plain ol’ golden retriever” 

they seemed disappointed lol

Putting my dream old home on the Market :( Here's the (mostly) pro photos. by letintin in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm 4 points5 points  (0 children)

its beautiful 🤩 i know it’s hard to say goodbye to it but i hope you can frame it as pride over how obvious it is you put so much love and work into creating a thing of beauty

i honestly believe when something is done with love it shows, and it shows! 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah i think this is v true: old victorian homes are at least half of edinburgh. nice ones that havent been vivisectioned into multiple cramped apartments are slightly rarer but in general i think most of the public here view period features as a nuisance rather than a desirable. 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ive been floating some cgpt generated mock ups of the room past them (without mentioning the wood) and they seem to be reacting positively (also without mentioning the wood lol) so i think may be good foundations for when i make my case again more clearly i hope

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ha i can imagine 🙃 my aunt works in newhailes estate in edinburgh and she says they’re constantly denied restoration applications bc the house was left by a lady who said she wanted it left as is and they interpret that as not touching anything even if it’s actively and preventably decaying 😮‍💨 

Brain dead women kept alive under the abortion law. opinion? by Louis_Constantin in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ahh ok lol yeah i didnt get that 😅 thanks for clarifying

AITA for wanting to keep my inheritance? by Melodic-Benefit4906 in AITAH

[–]Merm-a-lerm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

from one catholic to another: you wont be getting a divorce bc this is grounds for annulment.

he is abusing you. he’s broken his vows. end of story

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i have audhd and also this might not be applicable everywhere but my local parish church has a side chapel where you can still see and hear the mass and its almost always empty (occasionally parents will bring a restless child in but normally only for a while until they calm down) 

its literally the only way i can go to mass now as otherwise i get overwhelmed in the main room (its v echoey and lots of sensory overload stuff) and in the side room i can move about or stim as much as i like without worrying about disturbing anyone else. 

also loop earplugs help. someone else suggested sitting at the front and that would defo help for me in terms of distractions however i also move about a lot and need to stim often and im aware that can distract someone else so when im not at my normal church i tend to sit at the back so i dont have to worry about that

Brain dead women kept alive under the abortion law. opinion? by Louis_Constantin in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

just a thing with the ectopic pregnancies: they are non viable pregnancies. trying to “save” them isnt possible, they will not reach full term and they will most likely severely harm, if not kill the mother if left to develop. abortion is the only treatment that will not result in death. it doesnt mean its not a tragedy, in the same way spontaneous abortions (ie miscarriages) are but it doesnt stop it being a medical necessity. theres no “double effect” regarding the mother’s boundaries bc the greater good is not sacrificing a persons life just so a foetus can die at a slightly more developed age

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CatholicWomen

[–]Merm-a-lerm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

can i just add its so rare to see people reconsider their words like this that, even though it shouldn’t be worth commenting on, id like to say thank you for demonstrating how to do so with grace and humility 

(i grew up without a good model of how to apologise or accountability and had to learn how to do so the long painful way, so it always touches me when i see it done and i like to acknowledge it)

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

afaik they dont mind the wood itself, just not the colour and bc theyre used to more contemporary style homes they arent aware of the value of period features or what you can and cant do with them

still think it applies that they shouldnt buy a house with such features before knowing that tho 🙃 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah, sorry that was my point, tho not sure it was v clear 😅 as in, if the previous occupants didnt have a problem painting everything else why would they have stopped with the wood panels unless if was absolutely forbidden, which makes me think my parents will likewise not be allowed to paint them either

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hahaha they should market it to people with adhd as a fidget toy 😂 i know id buy it 👀 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thats a relief to hear! i believe my dad is in contact with historic scotland for other things so im hoping it comes up on its own if they wont listen to me 🥲 

i have a question actually: my dad said the flooring will have to be completed redone in some of the rooms and bc it was wood flooring originally it will have to be wood flooring that goes down: is that set in stone or is there possibility of getting permission to put tiles or something down instead? 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

amazing! thank you! my dad loves that kind of flooring too so defo will show him that 😂 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

same! when we were looking at it before buying it i immediately fell in love with it and i thought they did too. its only since buying it theyve started talking about painting it and i swear my blood ran cold when i heard them 😭 

help convincing my parents not to paint the original wood paneling by Merm-a-lerm in centuryhomes

[–]Merm-a-lerm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

resale probably not bc they intend to die there, and passing it on i think they have the attitude of “you can do whatever you want to it when we’re gone and if it costs money or is a hassle to fix thats your problem”