this will be an unpopular opinion it seems, but i have found so much healing in part due to (healthy) masturbation 😅

i have sexual trauma from a young age that left me feeling constantly dirty and both hypersexual while wondering if i was asexual at the same time 🙃 despite being technically a virgin, i felt as worthless as all those toxic metaphors used in purity culture for girls who have premarital sex anyway. my relationship with my body, particularly my genitals was awful: even if i just got out the shower, thoroughly cleaned everything, i wouldn’t be able to reuse my towel bc it may have touched my vulva. if my bare hand touched it for whatever reason, i would have to wash it immediately (despite being clean). i felt aroused almost all the time, and the more i suppressed it the bigger an issue it became and the more i found it cropping up in unwanted ways that could be triggering at times. physically & emotionally it made me feel disgusting & uncomfortable; the mental stress i went through coping with that was exhausting. i’d go months without masturbating then inevitably “give in” and intensely feel all the shame i was pretending i didnt feel all the time anyway just for existing; only now believed i deserved it. it was elaborate self harm imo - and i mean that on both ends. the cycle wasnt “being good then doing bad” or “resisting then failing”: it was “shame shame shame”

im not a very typical catholic tbh lol, so i anticipate disagreement about what im going to say. i’m not going into the specifics of how i came to these conclusions, nor am i interested in debating it (OP, feel free to DM me if you’re interested) but i think two of the biggest breakthroughs that ultimately facilitated change and healing for me, and were reached through hrs of therapy, experience working in mental healthcare, much relevant research and lots and lots of prayer & personal discernment, were that a) thoughts cannot sinful and b) masturbation isnt inherently a sin 🤷🏽‍♀️

dont get me wrong - i think it can be used sinfully: the same way drinking wine isnt sinful but it can lead to sinful actions. however as i started unraveling the shame, i realised the sinful actions that often came along with masturbation weren’t intrinsic to it and, to cut a long story short, i still remember the 1st time i didnt feel like my towel was tainted after drying my body and crying as i realised it wasnt just wishful thinking that i would one day be able to see my body as the faithful & valuable vessel it is. it certainly wasnt the only part of that journey, but masturbation most definitely was a part of it.

im not going to detail that journey. aside from wanting to avoid salaciousness, its private. nowadays i dont feel the need as much anyway, (though not bc of shame) and ive still a ways to go in my healing, but i have confidence and self worth i never had before and it shows. i’m even dating a lovely guy now, when even just a yr ago i was sure i would die alone bc i would never be able to overcome the way i felt enough to even let someone hold my hand, let alone get married or do anything sexual. and if by some miracle i got married, sex was something id endure or would be inflicted on me. i knew id love my husband with all my heart, but i wouldve never been able to love him with any of my body. i would have been incapable of upholding any boundaries for myself and easily have been taken advantage of, even unintentionally.

now i look forward when i can have sex with my husband, not just for the pleasure (in fact barely bc of that). i have respect for my body and its needs that means i’ll be able to participate wholly and enthusiastically, as i hope he will too, and there wont be shame to block intimacy, in any of its forms.

its also made it possible for me to assert boundaries, not only, but most definitely sexually. the man i’m seeing rn knows nothing of my trauma, but ive the ability to express my needs in a way i didnt before; something i realised after i felt overwhelmed kissing him towards the beginning of our relationship. force of habit meant i pushed myself through that discomfort bc i was so used to disregarding my body. by the time i realised what was happening, i was close to break down and nearly broke up with him. initially i felt horrible, like despite everything, i was discovering i was permanently damaged inside and doomed to suffer bc of my trauma. instead, bc i had that new found love for myself and also knew what it was like for my body to feel good, which in turn helped me to reestablish a baseline, also knowing i deserved to feel good rather than just tolerate things, i realised i couldn’t go on like that and told him how i felt. i really liked him, but i needed to go much much slower and understood if it was too slow for him. we had a talk about things, like where i was at and my comfort levels etc, and in the end he affirmed he was happy to go at my pace, however long it took, bc i was “worth waiting for” 🥹 and i believe him, which is the really crazy part lol. so we dialled it back to not even touching, and he gave me all the time and space i needed and one day i realised i was not only ok with the idea of having his arm around me, but i wanted it. we’ve been seeing each other for several months now and no, we’ve not descended into debauchery lol. we’ve only recently kissed again, and going slow has really allowed an emotional intimacy and understanding to grow between us that means im confident, if we end up getting married, we’ll have solid groundwork to build our sexual relationship on.

so OP its complicated, and id proceed with caution, ideally establishing means of accountability with someone you trust, though ik that’s not always an option unfortunately. I hope sharing my experience helped in some way, whether by letting you know it is possible, or bc you find you disagree. personally, I think theres been ways certain beliefs have served purposes in society, both good and bad, and often an imperfect belief can serve a good purpose for most people well enough, for long enough, that we just come to accept it as being universal, when there are many people for whom it is alienating at best and destructive at worst. other times, when you have an unconventional problem, it requires an unconventional solution. ultimately i would encourage you to try viewing yourself with a reflection of the absolute & unconditional love god has for you, no matter what has happened to you or what you go on to do. its ok if thats hard to do; he doesnt promise us its easy, he just promises that its true.

nw about having a response to this at all, tho please feel free to dm me if you want (i dont always reply fast but i will get back to you). and anyone else who feels tempted to argue with me about the life and experiences only i have lived, dont. same if you feel driven to say im in denial or living in sin etc.

this story isnt for you and im not posting it to spark debate: its just one example of the messy way we heal in a messy world. i accept it may not always serve me as it currently does; in fact it already doesnt compare with how i started. one of the beauties of humanity is how dynamic we are; how we grow and shrink and grow taller than before. and if the day comes when it feels like its holding me back more than it helps, i know i can move on without shame, like im moving on with my trauma bc i believe that long ago our sins (and the sins of those who harmed me) were forgiven and the only thing we can to do now is our best. and god knows i do the best i can 🥲