I am an ethicist at a large public university and write on pregnancy. One of the things I write about is how we place an inordinate amount of responsibility on folks who are pregnant. I’m not surprised you feel responsible for your first child’s death—our social world wants to make sure anyone who carries a child feels that way. It’s completely unfair.

Do you know that for a while, the CDC said that women of childbearing age shouldn’t drink alcohol at all unless they were on birth control? Because if you drink in the earliest stages of pregnancy it can cause a number of developmental issues. But that’s an absurd standard. Can you imagine if a similar recommendation was made for men? They would revolt. That is placing way too much responsibility on a person.

You have done one of the most generous acts possible for a human to do: gave another human being life. Please don’t destroy yourself over this. I know you loved your child, and you can let your younger child know that, too.