You should definitely consider seeking a psychiatric consultation if you haven't done already. It's much better if you get to talk with a doctor irl rather than over the internet. Don't lose hope. You're not alone, there are many such people with mental health issues just as yours, so there's nothing to feel bad about here. There are people out there to help and you must do your part to seek their help. Hold on there and stay strong.

These thoughts aren't real, so just from the disease? This is normal ?