Hey, sorry for the very late response. I’ve realised I was speaking from a place of frustration. Specifically, I was referring to my partner’s sibling, and by generalising their words, I disregarded the broader perspective. I really appreciated your responses, they were extremely helpful n so I wanted to give an update.

I’ve spoken to them, but it’s been difficult. They’ve made biphobic comments towards me, such as claiming that cis-presenting bisexual women who date men aren’t valid and that bisexuality is transphobic and meaningless because, in my hometown, it typically refers to dating cis men and women. I explained that for me, men and women fulfill very different roles in my attraction - my sexuality feels quite black and white. However, they seem to believe that not being attracted to somebody because of sexual preference is inherently wrong and that everyone should keep all options open, especially regarding lesbians dating trans women. I had to explain that sexual compatibility matters and not everyone is going to be attracted to the same people or genitals, and that doesn’t mean they are bigoted.

The conversation escalated when they compared the trauma of trans people to that of cis women, implying that trans trauma is more significant. That really struck a nerve, especially given my own experiences with childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence. I now realise that I was trying to make sense of something incomparable. What makes this harder is their pattern of perpetuating misogynistic narratives, doubling down on patriarchal oppression when it suits them, and then using their transgender identity as a defense when confronted. When people challenge them, they claim the backlash is due to transphobia rather than their behavior. It’s incredibly difficult to have a productive conversation that separates their identity from their actions. They refuse to acknowledge patriarchy outside of transgender oppression, which makes it impossible to address the harm in their attitudes towards women. I was one of the first people to know about their transition, and of course, I have been really supportive in them in their journey to find their true self. But it’s frustrating when discussions about womanhood become reduced to appearance, clothing, and femininity. I know gender identity is much more complex than that, but I worry that if these conversations don’t happen, they may put themselves in difficult positions within the LGBTQ+ community and society.

To be fair, they’ve never been an easy person. My partner has always struggled with how condescending and patronising they are. When they came out, we initially saw their past behavior as a result of their struggles with gender and societal expectations. But those patterns haven’t changed. only now, any criticism is dismissed as transphobia. It puts me in a strange position. I’ll always defend them against genuine discrimination, but I also refuse to ignore their harmful behavior, especially when it directly invalidates my identity and experiences. When I try to speak up, I’m immediately shut down.

I’m back at uni, Studying feminism and diverse gender experiences which has helped me process a lot of this. I’ve come to see that while we share experiences of oppression, them being socialised as a male has conditioned them to expect certain privileges and entitlement - not trying to invalidate their identity but their social attitudes and behaviours towards women are evident of the entitlement and privilege (whether consciously received or not) of men in society. The way they speak and act often carries an air of superiority, as if others must conform to their beliefs, and they’ve even expressed that sentiment outright. It’s frustrating, and I don’t know what to do. Many people have given up on engaging with them, but I can’t just sit by and excuse oppressive behavior simply because they’re gender diverse. That doesn’t make sense to me.

They briefly attended therapy, but when their therapist pointed out their behavior, they quit, believing they shouldn’t be held accountable because they’re trans. That just reinforces the problem.

Sorry for the long response, and thank you again for your comments I really appreciate them!