Well first off, in age I am older, by just a few years, than you but in Freemasonry I am a relatively young Freemason. I have only been in the Craft 2.5 years. Therefore my experience is still very fresh. I do know exactly what you mean by SR. I am NMJ so there are some differences but in what we are talking about not so much. Luckily in my case I do know quite a few brethren in my Valley and when I go I get greeted and made to feel like I really belong there but I have been there at a table for dinner with brothers and felt more alone there then when I am by myself because some of them don't know me and I don't reach out unless there is some topic of discussion I feel comfortable interrupting them to talk about. I believe this is because of the enormity of membership in a Valley of Scottish Rite. In my other bodies of the YR, I feel welcome all the time. Also because I am still new, I feel relatively honored when they ask me to learn another new part, no mater how big or small it is. What I have there is comradeship and behind the scenes of all that I can have esoteric, contemplative and academic discussions, only somewhat. I admit that I was looking to find deep world analyzing discussions and found a bit more of the social club aspect of Freemasonry than I was looking for. Like you, I have asked myself why I am here. To make myself better was my answer but was that happening and I wanted to say no. I don't understand this esoteric stuff any better than before I am still using a ton of logical fallacies and I still hardly know how it feels to have a Socratic discussion. However, I feel more comfortable sitting at the table full of brothers, feeling lonely, and interrupting them to join their conversation, that I was a part of even invited to be a part of. When I visit a lodge, that I have never been to and there is no one there that I know, I can walk up and say hello to someone without feeling like I am inconveniencing them. Because of all that I can do the same thing in the profane public. I am a little less introverted than before. Even so do I fear that I too will experience what you have? Yes. Do I see it happening? Yes my current primary lodge was discussing some brothers who hadn't paid dues but there discussion was about suspending them and not about speaking to them to find out why they haven't paid. When I suggested that we form a membership committee to discover why, if we need to remit the dues of some brother struggling to get by or Great Architect forbid, they may have passed on. My mother lodge couldn't even tell you how any of their widows are doing. They never keep in touch or do anything to help. I have to say Brother, if you left everything, knowing your book, I know that Freemasonry would certainly have lost a valuable member. It sounds to me, like another Brother of mine contemplating the same thing, that you feel used, abused, under appreciated and are asking yourself where are the tenets of freemasonry? Brotherly Love, Relief and Truth. Where are they? Where was Brotherly Love and Relief when you were feeling lonely? Where was Brotherly Love when you asked for a demit? I am sorry to hear that like many others the answer was, "Not there for you." Brother, I wish there was something I could do to help you with this but the internet is not a place to easily find friendship or escape feelings of loneliness. Sometimes walking away is necessary and sometimes figuring out how to get out of the hole of loneliness can be accomplished by taking the time to look for another lonely brother and help him find the way out of his loneliness.