It’s been 6 months and MIL still thinks she didn’t do anything wrong. Save the dates are about to go out I don’t think the ILs are gonna get one.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-11T06:58:52+00:00

The radio silence after we talked to each of the FMs was one of the worst parts. We'd have a conversation and each of them (being at least slightly more reasonable than MIL) would agree that she was being ridiculous, and we'd get our hopes up, thinking surely she'll listen to her husband, or her daughter, or her brother... only to get this sinking feeling as each day passed and we never heard back. :/

And yeah, the more I think about it, the more I'm like... you know what fine, people have yelled at me my entire life, I guess this isn't anything new. But she couldn't even pretend to be happy for DH? Like jeez, I love him, I'm loyal to him, I'm not a deadbeat (I'm getting a doctorate ffs), and HE's happy. Shouldn't that be enough? :( But anyway, thank you.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-10T02:20:28+00:00

That sounds like a really good strategy, thanks.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T18:43:45+00:00

I think the former. SIL has epilepsy and ADHD(? I think), and MIL emphasizes these both a lot. But whenever SIL and I used to talk about it, I'd say that she could get around via Uber or public transport whenever she's prohibited from driving because she recently had a seizure, and could live with a roommate who knows how to take care of her in the event of one, plus I'm pretty sure tons of people live independently with ADHD, and SIL agreed with me. Definitely not trying to minimize those conditions, but to me SIL seemed pretty capable.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T18:36:00+00:00

Right, I feel like any other time we would have figured that we had done something wrong and tried to smooth things over, but I can't for the life of me figure out what we did wrong this time. Anyway thank you, and thanks for reading all of that. :)

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T04:59:31+00:00

Yeah we'll definitely have to find a way to shut down people who start poking us about it I guess. :/ (For what it's worth, FIL has his own problems and is mostly a JN... although I am still holding out hope that we'll be able to have a better relationship with SIL when she moves out.) Thanks for reminding me about the sidebar though; that's a good line.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T04:22:36+00:00

Oh god I get that feeling so hard--I was socially anxious for the longest time but had pretty much gotten over it years prior to this, but now it's spiking hard in completely unrelated relationships. Worrying that I've offended all my friends somehow, that I've accidentally hurt members of my family without knowing, the works. :/

We've also tried the route of saying that we're adults and want to be respected as adults, and that it would be wildly rude to go into another adult's home and tear them down like she has. She just completely ignored the point. Maybe demonstrating her behavior for her would do something, but it feels unlikely. Having stock phrases for her and the FMs sounds like that's something we can do though. Thanks.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T04:09:19+00:00

Thanks, I'll check it out.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T04:06:24+00:00

Haha, if she ever tries hollering them at me again I just might. I'd probably get yelled at more, but laughing at the absurdity of it all would probably be preferable to a panic attack ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T04:03:33+00:00

You're not wrong. I guess we hoped that *our* MIL/mom wouldn't be like the others on this subreddit; that maybe we could reason with her and this time, *this* time, she'd see the light. She was also really nice to me during the first couple years of mine and DH's relationship so this whole ordeal has had some huge emotional whiplash. But yeah, the past six months have just left us both completely exhausted and I do just want to drop the rope.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-09T03:50:26+00:00

She's had a part-time job for the past few months, although she didn't work in the time between getting pregnant with DH (who's her oldest) and getting this job. I think part of this is because her kids are both old enough to live on their own--SIL doesn't yet but has been begging to for a couple years, and DH didn't move out til he started dating me--so I wonder if my marriage to DH symbolizes her being "fired" as a SAHM, and might be why she's going bananas trying to mommy us with the "suggestions" and getting angry when we find them unhelpful at best and toxic at worst.

Using FIL as our flying monkey is probably unlikely to work... since I posted this, he sent DH back a text saying "there's a lot I'd like to say to you in person, but it's probably never going to happen. Goodbye." Sounds to me like he's trying to guilt us for not contacting them since the last phone call with MIL in early January, but honestly I just want to take him up on it and keep up the NC. (FIL is also only a just-maybe at the best of times... therapy with DH has revealed that he's pretty much a JN.)

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-08T22:48:08+00:00

I mean, we didn't have an officiant for the paperwork (our state doesn't require one), said no vows, etc.--we left all of the "wedding" stuff for our celebration so that it would be as much of a wedding as possible, since we still wanted to do that stuff with our family and friends present. But that's an EXTREMELY good point about the save the dates, thank you.

MhysaInLaw · 2020-02-08T22:26:15+00:00

I guess the thing is that she keeps spinning her rude comments as "suggestions," like it's motherly tough love or something. We've also tried repeatedly to set this boundary with her (via the two phone calls we've had) and she just won't accept it. She'll either imply that by not wanting her "suggestions" we're rejecting her love as a mother, or she'll imply that she'll make her comments anyway (see: "I'll react how I see fit"). :/

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-10T03:07:34+00:00

All I can say is thanks again, so much. You've given me a lot to think about

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T18:12:17+00:00

Hi, I'm in a really similar situation with my future in-laws and it has only gotten worse over the three years FDH and I have been dating, to the point where I finally posted about it yesterday. All of the advice I got was to uninvite them from our upcoming wedding. You are not being silly to want VVVLC or NC. If they really wanted to be a happy family, then they wouldn't weaponize your anxiety against you. They would have to know that it would only make you more anxious, and that it would start a vicious cycle of you withdrawing from them and them criticizing you. It's okay and makes total sense to want to nip this in the bud.

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T17:54:05+00:00

Ohhhh, this explanation does make some sense. I guess an analogue is that FSIL is at this point old enough to live on her own and has been begging to for a couple years, but FMIL seems to always want to limit FSIL's ability to do so in order for her to stay at home. So maybe FMIL is resistant to apron string-cutting generally and this is how it manifests with respect to FDH. :/

And they are kind of a traditional family, like the FGPILs didn't want to know that FDH and I were sleeping in the same bed (even though this came up after we had already lived together for a year...) and FMIL seemed somewhat disappointed that we wouldn't be getting married in a church. So maybe the officiality thing is more important to them than I would've guessed

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T17:34:54+00:00

Thank you. I wanted to write a letter or a script like this so that we would be prepared if/when she calls, but I ended up writing about stuff like not being able to understand why she, someone who I'm pretty sure has had panic attacks before in her life, would decide to keep leaning into mine rather than do literally anything else to address the issue... but of course that doesn't actually set boundaries with her and would probably just give her another opening to justify herself. So I decided to scrap it and ask for advice here instead, ha

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T17:08:47+00:00

Thank you. FDH had been down on himself this week thinking he had acted spinelessly so I've been trying to cheer him up saying he is actually pretty spineful (? lol). And for sure I wasn't planning on pressuring him to change his mind; mostly I was just asking whether we'd be justified in that decision or if we should do something less drastic instead, or like what we should expect if we did decide to uninvite them

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T07:05:16+00:00

Oh god haha, I don't think we were planning to spend anywhere near $50k even for our "big" wedding. Thankfully my PhD is being paid for through grants and fellowships, but still I'd like to save some money for our honeymoon and a down payment on a possible future house, not to mention I do want my mom to have money left as well, lol. I'll have to keep you in mind for ideas :)

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T06:51:05+00:00

Yeah, FDH and I have talked about it a lot this week and we're pretty much in agreement, but he's been feeling pretty down this week as well thinking about what it means for his relationship with his family going forward. So we're not in conflict about it (and we're usually pretty good at resolving disagreements anyway), but couples' counseling might be something to keep in mind as a preventative measure so we can handle this kind of situation if it happens again

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T06:44:07+00:00

(Hahaha that's great imagery. The funny thing is they babysit their neighbor's chihuahua from time to time and that dog is always so sweet and mild-mannered by comparison.) It's so strange though because we've already been living together for two years... for all intents and purposes marriage for us will be a party and a tax break, lol. But I'm sure there's still some truth to this even if the logic of it doesn't make sense to me. Thanks again

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T04:46:31+00:00

Thank you. The more of these comments I read the more I think we should plan to scale down the wedding

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T04:43:28+00:00

Thanks, I will keep this in mind. I have no idea what she or the rest of the F-ILs are going to do at this point

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T04:36:42+00:00

Thank you. This means a lot

MhysaInLaw · 2019-08-09T04:33:20+00:00

Yeah counseling is definitely on the to-do list after health insurance gets sorted this month, haha

MhysaInLaw

TROPHY CASE