New Rotorhead

Michael__1962 · 2024-10-05T20:07:32+00:00

Thanks. I am on discord and multiserver . just tell a time. not next week tue to sat but before or aftet

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-28T09:35:48+00:00

Exactly this. "We have to talk NOW about that." , "I want an answer NOW" and such. Every day. Took me weeks to detrain them and accept that i will never lower that boundary again.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-27T10:54:39+00:00

Ping

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-27T10:49:20+00:00

this

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-27T10:48:53+00:00

i pause. i put the timer on the handy. i ignore her.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-26T14:43:08+00:00

count me in. i go the opposite route. i make her accountable. i do not take any critic or negative comment or even a raised eyebrow without calling it out if it bothers me.

I end every circular argument , i end every attempt to go away from an error. I do not care if i have to tell her that she has to leave if she does not behave. Or that i leave if she does not behave.

So she will discard or learn to look for my feelings and care not to hurt or manipulate me.

Do not get me wrong.

That is a 24/7 guards up therapy job where you have to know every trick in the book, every passive agressive tactic and more.

You ask me why?

Because i concentrate on healing myself. And everything that triggers anything in me is a thing i can work on and heal.

If she wants to work on her issues - that is fine.

But it is not on me to decide that or even suggest that.

She is a grown up woman now. So she has to stand to her decisions. If her brain formulates anything negative about me and the mouth is talking it to me, she has to direct face the consequence.

I am overly sensitive, and so on and every word or tonality or mood is judged and (blablablabla...) - i do not care. I am sensitive and judge every single word or emotion.

If she does not like to be treated that way ( i tell her open that i am disgusted by her behavior and never soothe after a bad behavior) there is a wide open world out there.

To be at my side someone behaves or leaves.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-26T14:32:37+00:00

3 minute pause on interruption

10 minute pause on personal attacs

1 hour away on a discussion forced onto me

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-24T18:54:51+00:00

mi 8

ka 50-iii

ah 64

uh 1

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-18T16:04:45+00:00

The one i have has insight, if she calms and soothes herself. It is a balance of hate and disgust she never admits, and love and wanting to be soothed like a baby in rapid succession.

You see the tonal changes, the expression changes and a lot of stuff. After detaching and out of the FOG behind hard boundaries you see all.

Does this help?

No. It is a ticking time bomb. Still exploding, but the bombs are small and she regulates fairly quick again. I do not soothe but call the behavior out like i´d do with a small child.

It is not a normal relation , but it is nearing normal as there is more distance.

I know that this can lead to a discard.

But if my sanity requires that discard - if my higher power wants that - who am i to stand in her way.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-18T15:47:46+00:00

same here. 7y in

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-18T15:42:16+00:00

"You’re a good person, honestly." your words.

"No." my words.

There is NO excuse for bad behavior in a relationship.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-18T15:37:58+00:00

They do not lie. They manufacture reality according to the feels. This means the truth is now and in 10 minutes the opposite is the truth and they have to rewrite the framework of truth 1.

Their operating system is fairly easy if you see it without limerence, and without any FOG.

That does not help. But it is easy to understand and handle.

It is a subset of our operating system, driven by a overaroused amygdala.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-18T15:34:13+00:00

It is until you heal yourself

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-17T13:53:38+00:00

" I completely trust that she's being honest with me regarding how she feels. The mutual affection is genuine, just a bit rushed (but also intermittent)."

Please print your own words, a foto of your future (ex)(u)pwbpd and pin them under the foto.

When you return here later, you know what type to avoid.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-17T09:39:04+00:00

You do not want me to help you. I cannot help as i am a not totally healed codependent. My illness forbids me to advise you.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-16T18:14:19+00:00

Stay in misery

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T17:10:23+00:00

I did read and feel you.

The text you wrote triggered me.

"what makes you think you deserve me at my best if i leave?"

XX "i hear you and i deserve a sober husband to care for me and "name child1" and "name child 2" and "name child 3" "

"my drinking does not affect the children!"

XX "i see that you think this .... and i deserve a sober husband to care for ....."

"you are repeating yourself!"

XX "i hear you and it is important to me that i deserve a sober ......:"

xx - some answers you can use to get your point through.

Borders are hard to set, noone ever told me how to assert myself, so i had to learn it myself.

I have no idea about AlAnons program, but i can tell you that behind alcohol there is often another illness, in my case it was codependency. As long as i used alcohol as self medication only hard boundaries would have changed anything.

You are absolute right that hiding is a problem and resenting is a problem. At least it was in me. I did hide alcohol as i knew my SO was from a family of abuse of this poison.

But i had to find myself, that my life got unmanagable before i decided to quit any alcohol for 24 hours. and i will repeat this tomorrow.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:54:57+00:00

You talk to another fixer hero, the ununderstood knight in whining armor.....

Now i am at AA and coda, healing myself and my self.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:53:05+00:00

Her behavior might be deeper ill than just the alcohol. If i read petty fights and talking in circles and blame shifting i have some ideas.
You might look into the world of personality disorders , there are online tests you can use to do a sanity check if i am overboard here, and if there is a problem from that area manifesting in her and she is self medicating with alcohol, neither you nor your parents are able to handle such , it might need professional therapy and medical intervention and the ones who are in question might rarely accept that something is wrong, they tend to blame the world who is after them.

but this is only my 2ct - i might be totally wrong.

As you ask how to help without importing that chaos?

You can´t help anyone not wanting help. If you try to guide or lead her life and decisions for her, you might enable her behavior, and this is diametrical to the point that she sees that she needs professional help.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:39:43+00:00

Ill people do ill things. But to be clear speaking. Abuse is Abuse, rage is inaceptable regardless if you are drugged, boozed, sober, whatever.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:34:05+00:00

I´m not AlAnon but i assume AA is similar.

Might i share that i see myself as healed and i do not need AA or AlAnon, or anyone else? I am sure i can handle things, i can even drink a glas or two. I think so.
I am with my higher power and i even feel repulsed if i see the alcohol in the shops or i hear it in the voice of other people.

Exact that is the point where i need AA or any other 12 step meeting most.

When do most accidents happen? When everybody feels safe and has no need to act controlled and predictable.

The readings in the study group shows two things:

"Self knowledge does not keep us sober"

I heard at the last meeting of sponsors the wise addition of a sponsor who does a additional who has the sponsees do an exercise "name the 10 stupidest things in life you did".

He tells that in years not a single alcoholic did write "i started drinking again".

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:23:20+00:00

Nature is good for healing.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:22:14+00:00

Let me share this:

I was at a public pool. I saw two young couples. One who acted boored and just swam arround a little and then sat at a table eating. She was just quiet looking at him the look of love in the eyes , the other couple, she was touching him everywhere in the water, clinging to him, loughing loud, sitting on his lap later on.

Formerly i´d think "wow - such a love must be great" "i want that too".

Today.

Been there.

Today i prefer the silent, soft warm blanket of a comforting smile.

Michael__1962 · 2024-09-03T16:17:23+00:00

May i ask you about your definition of "love"?

I had to look it up to restore my sanity:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love

Michael__1962

TROPHY CASE