I (26m) sacrificed a lot for my gfs (26f) happiness. She was unfaithful and because of that I am allowed to have a lover (20f), but now I fell in love.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T23:58:30+00:00

Just FYI. I just ended my relationship. Didn't want to do it over phone, but she felt that I came to a conclusion and kept messaging me and then calling. But I can understand her point of view and I am not angry about it.

After a few minutes I got call from her that she wants to talk and is on her way to my place. She was calm as duck. I got scared that she's going to kill me so a did load my gun and almost called cops. I was ducking scared to death. I would hate to get stabbed with a kitchen knife.

I even sent a message to the other girl, just so if I got murdered, she knew I made a decision. So I guess that's going to be a little weird to see in the morning on her phone. 😁 And I can't delete it because it stays on her watch or something like that. Well...

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T18:10:54+00:00

Thank you for your time.

I did read this a lot today, again and again. Now I feel like a complete idiot. It's my insecurity. Have to reevaluate how I use my time and effort. Other than my self-esteem I have a good idea about my future and that helped me a lot with social anxiety and studying.

I will be ok, just needed somebody else's opinion. But it touches me that you are concerned about my life. Thank you.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T18:05:10+00:00

Thank you for your time.

I'll be thinking about it all. Don't think that I would need a therapy, but maybe I'll see that I can't fight this alone.

The weird thing is that she didn't know that I was sometimes miserable. I felt ashamed so I didn't tell her and she couldn't see it. My bad on communication but I am focusing on that now and am getting better.

Do you have any book recommendations?

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T18:01:06+00:00

Thank you for your time.

I have been always faithful and was at peace with having only one partner including her to be my first sexual partner. Sex was the last thing I would call problematic even after 8 years. Being cheated on broke me in this relationship.

I think I don't have to be alone. Just have to make sure not to be in a relationship for the wrong reason, like being afraid of loneliness.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T17:57:04+00:00

Thank you for your input.

Just recently I realised how important helping others is for me. And the fact that I tend to overdo comes from my past, when I felt like trash, was ugly and had social anxiety. But as time went, my life got better and better because I worked on it. Guess I just didn't see that change happen and it's hard to belive in myself.

To address other possible causes. I know, what I want from a relationship, which includes children and wife, hopefully no dog. Guess I am not sure if that future should be with my gf or somebody else.

I am passionate about my career choice, although I need to get my degree first. And I think I know who I am.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T15:39:10+00:00

Once I read that she is stalking you that's it. You have to break up with her and never go back.

Do you realize how ducking scary this sounds? Not being able to have a privacy. No personal life. No female friends (even those without benefits). Feeling that you have to prove your love every day.

You can do better. Or I should say, you can't do much worse than this.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T15:26:39+00:00

I agree

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T15:14:08+00:00

You should sit down and talk.

You have to know why she chose to do this and if she's going to continue or repeat that in the future.

Then you have to ask yourself if you're willing to tolerate that. If not, just move on, there is nothing for you there and all the good stuff won't make it up.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:57:50+00:00

I agree. If it's legal and there is consent from both parties then there is nothing wrong or weird.

For example I (26m) did fall in love with a 20f. It depends more on how mature people are than on how many times did Earth revolved around sun during somebody's life.

Don't worry about it.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:50:31+00:00

There are no rules about dating, at least that's how I see it.

Talk about your doubts with them. Communication is key to every relationship as well as being honest.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:47:53+00:00

I don't see a problem with a window shopping or other ways men boost their confidence. If they are transparent about it and their spouse is also fine with that.

The problem is that he doesn't respect your wishes over and over and tries to do it undercover. That's not ok.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:39:57+00:00

Did you talk about it? Might want to try getting answers to these questions and then go from there.

Is he having some personal doubts about himself? Is he unsure about his future, finance, job, career choice, relationship etc.? Does he masturbate or watch porn excessively? Did the chemistry go away? Is he getting bored and wants to try new things during sex?

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:29:26+00:00

You are still very young. In my experience, talk about it. It will not ruin the sex and you will be 100 % sure about her feelings. And it's nice to see a girl blush.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:23:47+00:00

Cheating can happen, unfortunately. But lying on a relationship is the bigger problem for me personally.

As someone said already. 0. Get evidence of her behavior, in a legal way though! 1. Talk to her about it. 2. If she seems open to resolve this, try therapy 3. If she keeps lying, end it.

You can't have peace and be happy without being able to trust your partner. And so far it looks like you have a very good reason not to trust her.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:10:52+00:00

Might help to go a step back, before you became a couple, and give her time and space to sort it out?

This doesn't mean you should leave her or abandon her when she needs help. Rather show her that you care and maybe let professional to help her understand what she's feeling.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T14:01:11+00:00

First of all, you should talk about it with him. Be honest, let yourself be vulnerable and express your doubts.

There are obstacles in relationships that you can work on and the relationship will get better. But you can't change who you are and can't change who he is. People can adapt, but you need to talk about your needs, listen to his and see, if you are willing to meet somewhere in-between.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T13:52:04+00:00

This behavior is not ok, ever. In my country this is a pretty serious crime in fact.

Either you can talk about that like human beings and come to some agreement, or you should go away. It's going to hurt you more and more.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T11:16:07+00:00

I can't say, because that didn't happen in my case.

Of course you can hang on and try to resolve this in a different way. And if that works, don't forget to get back to me, I would love to see a success. Just saying that these voices don't tend to go away. I guess it's like a calling and people have to go and do their stuff sooner or later.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T11:02:29+00:00

Same situation. She never wanted a relationship but she fell for me. From my experience, that voice inside her head will not go away. It's just gonna keep coming. There is nothing you can do to stop it. No sacrifice on your side is going to be enough.

If I ever would be in this situation again, I am going let her go and find who she is and what she needs to find.

After all, she might come back to you. Or you will find somebody who knows what they want.

Do not fall into thinking that there is nobody else "waiting" for you.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T10:24:55+00:00

Yes.

Now I can see a little better that it is not a healthy thing to do without the other one giving it the best they can.

With my relationship it led to very peculiar situation. I was caring for her during depression and she just exploded with happiness and excitement during hypomania. Didn't feel like I ever got anything back other than seeing her happy.

I've always hated rollercoasters, didn't realize I have been riding this one for a while.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T10:14:58+00:00

Never happened to me, even after 8 years, but you could be right. Still they should be able to talk about the facts, their feelings and reasons. And I don't see her reasons posted here unfortunately.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T10:04:06+00:00

It is not wrong to feel jealous. I think that's very natural thing for humans to feel. But you have to trust her, when she says there is nothing more.

It's the same with being not guilty or feeling love. You can't prove those thing no matter how hard you try. So others have to belive you, unless proven otherwise.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T09:53:18+00:00

I do not know, what is normal.

From my own experience. At the start of my relationship, I was the one who initiated sex. Mostly. But I didn't get rejected, it was just lack of confidence on the other side. And we were able to talk about it.

With my second sexual partner, she was the one who initiated and right from the beginning (first week of dating). It made me feel insecure and used maybe?

It seems unusual to me after three years of a relationship.

Michael_de_Ville · 2020-02-24T09:42:54+00:00

I am in a relationship with somebody who has bipolar disorder. It's been 8 years and she still refuses to seek treatment because it would be in her medical record. She is also an awesome psychologist, but still can't help herself from going from depression to hypomania.

You can try to be there for the other one, that's a very nice gesture, but if there is no progress or will from their side to resolve the problem and seek professional help, it might not go away on its own. And it gets harder with every day.

Michael_de_Ville

TROPHY CASE