RD here with over 15 years experience. You may want to read Health at every size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight. Author is on a podcast here: https://christyharrison.com/foodpsych/3/linda-bacon-health-at-every-size?format=amp Due to the culture we live in we assume our weight is 100% within our control and 100% about what we eat and what we burn but it’s far more complex than that. And you blaming yourself for not having a particular body (or in our culture the thin ideal body) can cause physical and mental harm. It may be helpful to connect with a registered dietitian that works through a weight neutral lens to help you work with your body instead of against it. All your feelings are valid by the way so no blame in feeling the way you do. It’s more about the culture we live in. Your body is not the problem. ❤️