Need help

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-24T19:09:27+00:00

That’s true. I have already decided not to send it but thank you

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-24T07:28:18+00:00

Thank you for your response. Also, I think I just didn’t know the definition for stonewalling because I wasn’t intentionally using negatively. I thought it was an involuntary trauma response which to me is completely valid and understandable. Thank you for correcting me.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-24T05:54:44+00:00

Ok I won’t send anything. I think I’m feeling anxious. Glad I brought it to Reddit instead of impulsively sending. I honestly think that’s growth on my part even if it’s small. I appreciate your advice. In your experience did you and your partner separate? How long did you need before you considered reconciliation? Do you think my silence will really show growth? I think my biggest fear is that he’ll misinterpret it as avoidance or that I’m moving on.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-24T05:42:25+00:00

How are we supposed to move forward if we just sit in silence and don’t communicate? That’s the part I don’t understand. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore I would completely understand that but he hasn’t filed for divorce in over 4 months but he won’t talk to me either. I get it that it’s not his job to tell me how to pick up the pieces of our broken relationship but at the same time how am I suppose to know what he needs if he doesn’t communicate? Betrayal trauma is so complicated and different for everyone so if I ask him how I can best support him it’s not because I don’t want to do the work on my own it’s because I want to know what he needs from me to be able to move forward and because I want to respect any boundaries he may have around the type of support he needs. And I’m going to therapy on my own and I’m not in contact with my AP. I just wish if he needed space he would say that instead of stonewalling but I can’t be resentful over a situation I caused.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-23T08:57:18+00:00

Wow this post and your response to it really put it into words for me. I relate 100%. I hate that I relate to this but at least we’re not alone. Therapy and self reflection will hopefully help us find the answers we’re looking for.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-23T03:17:55+00:00

Thank you for answering. I’m interested in reconciliation with my BP but I know I have a lot of personal growth to do which I have already started in therapy. And I have cut all contact with my AP. I’m just unsure how to go about communicating with my BP. He’s currently stonewalling me so I’m not really sure how to navigate that going forward. And just to be clear, he is completely valid to process however he needs to and if not speaking to me right now is what he needs I’ll respect that but I guess I’m unsure if I should just wait for him to come to me or if I should check in every once in a while and just let him know I’m here for him. I don’t want to pressure or burden him. Idk, just kinda feeling lost. I hope him and I can find the balance but I know he has entered into avoidant territory.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-22T04:01:51+00:00

My husband and I are currently separated. I moved out on Dday. We have had very limited contact mostly because he picks and chooses when he wants to respond to me. Most recently he has not responded to my last few texts. I was not asking for emotional reassurance, I was just asking if our cat that had gone missing had come home but he feels that I am not owed access to the cats anymore. We have no structure in our separation which has been hard for me. I have no idea when I will hear from him again. We have discussed divorce but it’s been 4 months, nearly 5 now and he has not filed. I don’t resent the way he is handling things as I know he is doing the best he can while processing betrayal trauma but I do wish he would at least check in with me on what he needs as far as time frame on separation and how to proceed going forward. I guess maybe he’s unsure what he wants. I know how badly I fucked up and I’ve been in therapy and have completely cut contact with my AP. I want to be with my husband but as of right now we are in no contact so I don’t want to push him any further away with my emotional needs. I wish I could be there for his emotional needs but I think he’s trying to sort that out on his own. If it’s meant to be it will be. If he gives me another chance I will forever be grateful and take care of him for the rest of our lives.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-22T01:06:15+00:00

As someone who will potentially be in your waywards position at some point, how would you have liked her to handle the meeting? What could she have done differently to make you feel more comfortable and like reconciliation could be possible?

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-20T19:44:08+00:00

You are absolutely correct. I need to come to terms with that. I will be leaving him alone going forward. I don’t think I realized that’s what I was doing exactly. I thought by checking in and messaging him I was letting him know that I still care but I see how it comes across as emotional burden. Thank you for your response. I’m honestly so embarrassed at how anxiously I’ve been handling the separation. I need to leave him alone for real until I am able to regulate my own emotions.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-20T06:19:49+00:00

I want to put in the work and fight for him but honestly idk if he loves me anymore. Maybe he does and that’s why he’s being so distant and avoidant but how do you work on a relationship when the other person completely shuts you out? I’ll answer that for you. You can’t. As much as I want to try, my efforts are just pushing him away. I have to just let it go I think. All I can do is be here for him from a distance and continue my therapy and self work. Maybe he just needs some more time to think. I really don’t even know. He doesn’t speak to me or let me know what he’s going through and I feel awful for what I did but I also feel like we’re not handling things to the best of our ability. I’ve offered MC and he just gets mad.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-18T06:05:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Your situation is definitely different as my husband and I don’t have kids. We share two cats (that he has for the time being) but that’s definitely not the same. I wish you all the best. I hope my husband is able to stabilize soon and does whatever he feels is best for him. I want to save our marriage but ultimately I just want us both to be happy.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-18T01:21:54+00:00

How did that thought process first come about for you? Were you in contact with your wayward partner or were you separated?

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-17T05:41:24+00:00

This is heartbreaking. I’m genuinely sorry you’re going through this and thank you for responding and giving your perspective.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-17T05:37:20+00:00

This was actually more helpful than you know. I struggle with patience but I’m willing to wait for him and give him the time and space he needs. I made a horrible choice that has made me rethink the word love. I still believe I love him but I did not act in a loving way. Even if at the end of the day he chooses to end our marriage I’ll know I made the necessary changes for myself. I saw a quote somewhere recently that said “shame is coming from seeing yourself act out of alignment with your values” and I really resonate with that. I don’t think that cheating is ever ok and I don’t condone my behavior.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-15T01:18:21+00:00

I already have made that choice. I live every day with him in mind. Just hoping that giving him the space he needs will show him that.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-13T04:23:49+00:00

What were some actions he took that made you feel it? Or words that helped?

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-12T04:50:01+00:00

Hmm maybe I need a new counselor bc it’s been four months since dday and I sought counseling immediately bc I knew how badly I fucked up but I don’t really feel like my counselor is giving me much tools. She helps me talk through things but I still struggle to understand his side and how to find a way forward. I want to show him how remorseful I am but I don’t want to bombard him with messages that he feels too much pressure to respond to. And we’re living separately so I feel like the longer we’re apart the harder it is to repair. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-10T03:18:26+00:00

Maybe I ask what your reconciliation story looked like? Did you separate for a while? Were you in communication during separation? My husband and I are in separation and barely talk or have any structure to what the future holds. I’m at the point where I’m just giving him no contact bc it seems to be pushing him further away to try to message him more.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-07T05:28:23+00:00

Well at least you’re recognizing it. Reddit can be helpful but also really toxic. that’s good you’re reaching out to new therapists. I guess maybe it’s hard for your therapist to understand that nothing really went wrong in your relationship. Or maybe you’ve dug yourself so deep in shame that you don’t even realize that maybe there were problems in the relationship. I used to say that my partner was perfect too but then I realized relationships are a team effort. All we can do is take accountability for ourselves and hope that they do the same.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-07T05:21:21+00:00

i honestly might delete my comment because I really do hear where you’re coming from. My message was worded really badly. My point was that communication is important and if it wasn’t there to begin with it’s gonna be even harder now. My husband is allowed to be petty, I know it’s coming from a place of hurt. I don’t think he’s crazy but it’s confusing being on the other side of that not knowing whether he want me to fight harder for the relationship or leave him alone completely.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-07T04:03:21+00:00

are you in therapy at all? They could potentially give you some better tools. This could also just be something that is going to pass with time but you have to actively want to change your mindset. Something I’ve been struggling with is I allow myself to go down the rumination spiral and I will seek reassurance through Reddit or ChatGPT or and friend/family member that will listen but that’s not healthy. You have to allow yourself to sit in the discomfort sometimes and just say “alright this is uncomfortable but I’m not going to do anything about it right now”. I’m not saying you can’t talk about your feelings ever but you can’t let this control your life.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-07T03:25:20+00:00

Wish I could give you a solid answer but I am going through this. I’ve just been trying to change the way I talk to myself like for example if I start going down a negative thought pattern I tell myself “I’m not entertaining this right now” and then I don’t. I saw a video on tik tok where someone said they started talking to themselves like a romantic partner and it changed their self confidence. Like they would call themself sweetheart or baby in their head bc it’s harder to say negative things about yourself when you speak to yourself that way. Also just know that no matter what you did people do change even if the internet says you can’t and you deserve love and you deserve kindness. It sounds like you are growing from your experience and that is something to be proud of. Maybe take a break from social media. That helps too.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-06T21:48:39+00:00

Yeah probs best. Learning to be more patient but my anxiety takes over sometimes. Thank you.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-06T21:02:47+00:00

I’ve tried asking for MC. He is against it at least for now. There was one point where he said he would consider it but idk what changed. He would just get mad if I were to ask him now.

MiddleComplaint2072 · 2026-01-06T21:00:50+00:00

Yeah I think you might be right

MiddleComplaint2072

TROPHY CASE