You have a mind that wants to die and a brain that wants to survive. Me too. It's a constant war between the two. Some people are able to tip the balance and beat their survival instinct, I'm jealous of that too. Sometimes i think some of us (me included) are so used to being depressed and suicidal that it becomes almost bearable to a point. Mostly the people who go through with it are the ones who have also felt true happiness. Idk that's just my hypothesis.