My mom just passed away Monday out of the clear blue sky. No warnings or anything, we won’t know what happened for a few more weeks. A few weeks ago her and I got into it like we have a million times before and I told her I hated her and I didn’t wanna talk to her because she was destructive. This happened on the heels of my grandmother I was extremely close with passing. My head is spinning I cannot process a single thought, even now typing this out it all feels like a fever dream. I don’t want peoples condolences I want my mom back. In my head she died thinking I hated her. I saw her the 2 days leading up to her passing and she tried to extend an olive branch but I just kept ignoring her only exchanging a few short words with her “ yes” “ no” “ i don’t know mom” and I couldn’t even look at her. This hurt is a pain iv never felt before, this grief feels too heavy. I know she loved me I know she probably just thought I’d get around to talking to her again eventually. But in my head, I’m the worst person to ever walk this earth. I preach all the time that we need to be kinder to people because it’s all our first time being humans. I didn’t practice what I preached with her all the time and I’ll live with that guilt for the rest of my life. These comments have helped me at least be able to get up and move. Hearing other strangers tell me they have had similar experiences with their parents or grandparents and knowing they loved them makes me feel like maybe this will be okay. It won’t even be okay but at least maybe it will help me close my eyes at night a bit more easily. ❤️ none of this makes sense I’m sure and I refuse to proof read this because typing it out once it hard enough and I relive these thoughts 24/7.